It seems like a decade since writing a post! I've missed putting my feeling in writing. At times I feel a little inadequate to write after reading all the wonderful stuff that is out there. Some things I may be repeating, one can't remember always what one has said already. So if that's the case, my apologies in advance.
I've had several friends and family member question why I would put myself out there in writing the subjects I have written on. I am glad to say that my family has taken what I've written well, they're just sorry to know all that has happened to me as a very young girl. In all honesty I knew people who were close to me would read what I had written and I wanted them too. It was NEVER my intention to hide under a anonymous name for I knew that if I was to ever overcome my mental imagines, I was going to have to come completely clean and be very open, which included who I was.
You see I saw a broader picture than just a release from my own struggles. I saw a whole lot of people getting a release from their own demons. Sexual abuse is something a person rarely recovers completely from. I know I certainly haven't! However, I have become more at peace within myself and that speaks volumes.
Do I close my eyes at night and relive somethings? At times, YES.
Does it bring shivers down my spine and try to consume me? At times, YES!
It's so easy to allow yourself to become overwhelmed in the past, to drudge up all those negative experiences and become depressed. It's also hard when you realize that the dreams you once had for yourself will never come true. It's even harder when you realize that one of the reason they will never come true was because of the abuse you endured. Not that I'm using it as an excuse, because I know there are a lot of people out there who have gone through even worse than I have and yet made a fantastic life for themselves.
It has taken me 42 years to realize why my behaviors were so extreme. And even though people have the best of intentions, they can NEVER know unless they have been through it themselves what it feels like to be soiled, thinking you're unworthy of a quality love, although you search for it most of your life. I guess it's just in our instinct to continue to try and salvage our lives.
I hope that those out there who do know me don't think this was an attempt on my part to put shame on my family. I know some people took me wrong or maybe I just didn't make myself very clear. I do want to say that although I was an unplanned pregnancy I DO know my parents loved me. They had their own set of issues to deal with that's all. And although they aren't alive today, I still would have written on all the subjects I have written on. I had to. It was a drawing deep within me to share my experiences. I know that I have touched some with my openness and for that I am truly grateful.
Just think about this....if only we as a people could trust our inner self to just be honest, and not be fearful of what others might think, then maybe, just maybe we could live happier, healthier lives. Now I'm not saying we should go around just speaking our minds that would hurt someones feelings...that would be displeasing to God and cause more harm than good. However, I do feel that if we could share more of our lives, hurts, dreams and failures there would be others willing to do the same. For I truly believe with all my heart that there are so many hurting people out in this big ole' world that would find closure if only they had the freedom to be honest without repercussion's. Yes, WITHOUT repercussion's. It's time that we all realized we're flawed. One mans struggles may not be yours but yours are just as much of a struggle. We need to have compassion for one another and a high tolerance showing LOVE and RESPECT for each other.
I fall short myself but I strive to reach that goal. God willing and I know HE is...someday I will attain that goal. People ask me why I have to put God into everything, the simple answer to that is because HE is in everything. Every decision we make whether it be good or bad, HE is there trying to help his children as best as HE can. Remember though, HE did give us a free will and HE won't go against it. He'll try to show us, speak to us through people, places, and things, but ultimately we have to come to the conclusion that we were in the wrong and ask for HIS forgiveness and assistance. And what's so wonderful about our Lord is that HE is there, even when we are at our lowest, giving us a life line if we would just reach up and grab it! That's what HE has done for me and I hate to tell you how many times HE has had to help me out of the pit I've dug myself into!!
I just wanted to touch base with you dear friends. There has been a lot of changes going on in my life. Some wonderful, some not so good. I just know that through it all I am not alone and that is so comforting. I had a dream last night that let me know God is still fighting for me, and that HIS power is still thriving inside of me. I love those dreams and I thank you Lord for giving me hope and a vision. God says in His word that His people perish for lack of knowledge...help me Lord not to be one of those people.
To you out there who think that you are unworthy, just remember I too feel that way at times. Our abusers did a terrific job in making us feel we are the one to blame...but YOU are worthy and I encourage you to continue to tell yourself that. Our abusers have stolen a great deal from us, but we can take it back. This is my attempt to regain my life by sharing my inner most thoughts. As you read my stories of survival I hope you can begin to see yourself as a survivor but more importantly WORTHY of all that life as to offer. Pick yourself up out of the depths of despair and continue to endure. If I can, YOU can too. Life is good and it's waiting for you to embrace it...so go ahead...EMBRACE IT!
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Thursday, May 17, 2012
My Battle With The Mind
I don't know if you realize this or not, but we all battle with our minds. It's a continuous fight between good and evil, right and wrong. I myself battle with unworthiness. I know that scripture tells me I have the mind of Christ and through that I can know all things. That Jesus was chastised for my peace and well-being [Isaiah 53:5] That Jesus is (Himself) my peace [Ephesians 2:14] However, knowing that and actually feeling that are two very different things. I have come along way since my first blog. I have reach highs and I have reach lows. At times, remembering has been a difficult thing to share and scary too.
I battle with unworthiness because I expect myself to be perfect before my God, and when I share my opinions with you I want to be honest and earn your trust. My battle is my own struggle...well not my own, it's mine and God's. You see He is still working on me and daily as I try to walk in His path of righteousness, I realize and understand the scripture "My righteousness is like filthy rags." For only Jesus' righteousness is what I yearn to attain, and it is a goal I've not reached. You see that's my battle...because I shall never reach it and the reason for that is because Jesus is already my righteousness! That's why Jesus says My grace is sufficient.
So then why do I battle with my mind? Because I know that there is so much more out there for me to do for Him, but my flesh is still weak. I respect my Heavenly Father so much, that I am not worthy to do His perfect Will for Him. Yes I have His grace, but I still willingly sin, I hate myself for sinning , but still proceed to sin. How can I explain this...help me Lord? I know that drinking too much to where you are drunk is wrong. Yet most Saturday nights I partake in to much drink. Most Saturday nights my husband and I sit at home and listen to music and relax by drinking some beer. How can I be used of God if I myself can not resist the lust of a good buzz. How can He move through me...even worse... I make Him a partaker in this awful sin. How you say? Because His Holy Spirit dwells within me, therefore I grieve His Spirit when I do these things.
Yet all through the week, I hear the needs of others, and my first reaction is to pray for them and ask God to answer my prayers...but why should He? I know that if I resist the devil he must flee. I know I wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. That I have the power over serpents and scorpions and over all the power of the enemy and nothing shall by any means hurt me. I will use those words for everyone else,and believe(have faith) that God will do it but, will I use them to help me...I have but sadly I go back and do it again so the answer is... NO! What is God to do with someone like me?
I can use excuses that I've been sexually abused, rejected, raped, but that is not the reason. The truth is my flash is weak...the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. I tell you these things because I want you to understand I hate fake people. And the last thing I want is for someone to think I am trying to pretend to be something I'm not!! I will always be real with you, whether it be good or bad, I want you to know that I will always speak truth. I guess I'm asking you to trust this sinner, although I know I do not deserve it.
Back to my battle...in the bible it says in Galatians 5:19-21 [Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these;Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, sedition's, heresies, Envying, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such likes: as I have told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.] That my friends is a command and the manifestations of a fleshly life: that will damn the soul. I love the Lord my God with all my heart and all my soul and all my mind...He knows I do, yet I can not stop partaking in alcohol at least one night a week. I have no desire to drink anytime but with my husband on Saturday night. This messes with my mind!! Am I saved? Will I go to heaven? Will I be in the rapture? All these things go through my mind constantly. You would think that if it bothers me that bad I'd just stop, right? Wrong!!
So I continue asking for forgiveness, but doesn't true repentance mean turning away from that sin? YES! So therefore I must not be truly repentant... yet I am! All I know to do at this point in my life is to continue to fight the good fight, and not give up. To claim 2 Corinthians 3:4 [For though we walk (live) in the flesh, we are not carrying on our warfare according to the flesh and using mere human weapons.For the weapons of our warfare are not physical(weapons of flesh and blood), but they are mighty before God for the overthrow and destruction of strongholds.] And that is what I am battling...a STRONGHOLD!
I just felt the need to share with you my flaws. Why, you might say to yourself must she have such a need to share something that is really nobodies business but her own? You see I don't want you to think I'm a hypocrite...yet I am... I guess we all are at one time or another!! However, I would die for my Lord before I would deny Him, but I AM still a work in progress. I have faith that one day I will overcome this stronghold. However I know it will come NOT by might, nor by power, but by My (Gods) Spirit, says the Lords of Hosts.
Recently our President just went on record supporting the marriage of homosexuals. I want to make one thing perfectly clear, although I do not agree with our President, I do not see one sin any different than another sin with the exception of the unpardonable one which is to deny Jesus Christ. With that being said, I do think it is one thing to partake in a sin, but it's another thing to willingly condone it. I do not condone my actions but that is between me and God, however when we allow our country to adapt and knowingly accept marriage between same sex individuals, it's like saying that this is not a sin in the sight of God and once more we as a nation become more desensitized to yet another of what God calls the works of the flesh. I just want to make it clear that God tells us to love all people and to go forth to all nations baptizing in the name of the Father,Son and Holy Spirit...but He also tell us that although we are in this world we are not to be of this world!!
Thus , this is MY problem...the battle with my mind...MY stronghold is not another persons stronghold. However, when a nation takes the stronghold out of the individuals decision and makes it a civil rights issue instead of a moral issue and says it's alright, I take offense and worry about this once great nation.
I am a sinner saved by grace, but just because a country makes a sin acceptable doesn't mean God does too!!!
May my Heavenly Father have mercy on me and may He have mercy on our country!! God's Word says "confess your faults one to another, that you might be healed"...may this be the start to my healing, one can only hope.
I battle with unworthiness because I expect myself to be perfect before my God, and when I share my opinions with you I want to be honest and earn your trust. My battle is my own struggle...well not my own, it's mine and God's. You see He is still working on me and daily as I try to walk in His path of righteousness, I realize and understand the scripture "My righteousness is like filthy rags." For only Jesus' righteousness is what I yearn to attain, and it is a goal I've not reached. You see that's my battle...because I shall never reach it and the reason for that is because Jesus is already my righteousness! That's why Jesus says My grace is sufficient.
So then why do I battle with my mind? Because I know that there is so much more out there for me to do for Him, but my flesh is still weak. I respect my Heavenly Father so much, that I am not worthy to do His perfect Will for Him. Yes I have His grace, but I still willingly sin, I hate myself for sinning , but still proceed to sin. How can I explain this...help me Lord? I know that drinking too much to where you are drunk is wrong. Yet most Saturday nights I partake in to much drink. Most Saturday nights my husband and I sit at home and listen to music and relax by drinking some beer. How can I be used of God if I myself can not resist the lust of a good buzz. How can He move through me...even worse... I make Him a partaker in this awful sin. How you say? Because His Holy Spirit dwells within me, therefore I grieve His Spirit when I do these things.
Yet all through the week, I hear the needs of others, and my first reaction is to pray for them and ask God to answer my prayers...but why should He? I know that if I resist the devil he must flee. I know I wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. That I have the power over serpents and scorpions and over all the power of the enemy and nothing shall by any means hurt me. I will use those words for everyone else,and believe(have faith) that God will do it but, will I use them to help me...I have but sadly I go back and do it again so the answer is... NO! What is God to do with someone like me?
I can use excuses that I've been sexually abused, rejected, raped, but that is not the reason. The truth is my flash is weak...the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. I tell you these things because I want you to understand I hate fake people. And the last thing I want is for someone to think I am trying to pretend to be something I'm not!! I will always be real with you, whether it be good or bad, I want you to know that I will always speak truth. I guess I'm asking you to trust this sinner, although I know I do not deserve it.
Back to my battle...in the bible it says in Galatians 5:19-21 [Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these;Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, sedition's, heresies, Envying, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such likes: as I have told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.] That my friends is a command and the manifestations of a fleshly life: that will damn the soul. I love the Lord my God with all my heart and all my soul and all my mind...He knows I do, yet I can not stop partaking in alcohol at least one night a week. I have no desire to drink anytime but with my husband on Saturday night. This messes with my mind!! Am I saved? Will I go to heaven? Will I be in the rapture? All these things go through my mind constantly. You would think that if it bothers me that bad I'd just stop, right? Wrong!!
So I continue asking for forgiveness, but doesn't true repentance mean turning away from that sin? YES! So therefore I must not be truly repentant... yet I am! All I know to do at this point in my life is to continue to fight the good fight, and not give up. To claim 2 Corinthians 3:4 [For though we walk (live) in the flesh, we are not carrying on our warfare according to the flesh and using mere human weapons.For the weapons of our warfare are not physical(weapons of flesh and blood), but they are mighty before God for the overthrow and destruction of strongholds.] And that is what I am battling...a STRONGHOLD!
I just felt the need to share with you my flaws. Why, you might say to yourself must she have such a need to share something that is really nobodies business but her own? You see I don't want you to think I'm a hypocrite...yet I am... I guess we all are at one time or another!! However, I would die for my Lord before I would deny Him, but I AM still a work in progress. I have faith that one day I will overcome this stronghold. However I know it will come NOT by might, nor by power, but by My (Gods) Spirit, says the Lords of Hosts.
Recently our President just went on record supporting the marriage of homosexuals. I want to make one thing perfectly clear, although I do not agree with our President, I do not see one sin any different than another sin with the exception of the unpardonable one which is to deny Jesus Christ. With that being said, I do think it is one thing to partake in a sin, but it's another thing to willingly condone it. I do not condone my actions but that is between me and God, however when we allow our country to adapt and knowingly accept marriage between same sex individuals, it's like saying that this is not a sin in the sight of God and once more we as a nation become more desensitized to yet another of what God calls the works of the flesh. I just want to make it clear that God tells us to love all people and to go forth to all nations baptizing in the name of the Father,Son and Holy Spirit...but He also tell us that although we are in this world we are not to be of this world!!
Thus , this is MY problem...the battle with my mind...MY stronghold is not another persons stronghold. However, when a nation takes the stronghold out of the individuals decision and makes it a civil rights issue instead of a moral issue and says it's alright, I take offense and worry about this once great nation.
I am a sinner saved by grace, but just because a country makes a sin acceptable doesn't mean God does too!!!
May my Heavenly Father have mercy on me and may He have mercy on our country!! God's Word says "confess your faults one to another, that you might be healed"...may this be the start to my healing, one can only hope.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
The Truth, The Whole Truth, And Nothing But The Truth
This was written by Rebecca O'Conner
John 14:6 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.
Truth is God, and God is truth. God is Word, and Word is Truth. What is Truth's definition?
The dictionary defines it as:
1. something factual: the thing that corresponds to fact or reality
2. true quality: Correspondence to fact or reality
3. true statement: a statement that corresponds to fact or reality
Truth is fact and reality. Truth cannot be recalibrated. It is set as fact and reality no matter the situation surrounding it, man's agreement to it or his adherence to it. Man may accept a fable, but it will not stop the course of Truth. Truth will find it's reality.
Wisdom follows Truth and is blessed by it, while the foolish disregard it, and Truth becomes his curse. All through the Pentateuch [first five books of Moses and the law] God is setting the grounds for what will bring life, abundance and blessings and what will reap lack, curses and destruction. Jesus came to bring us eternal life through forgiveness by His shed blood and abundance for our obedience to walk in the spirit and in Truth. God is not in the curses because God is not a curse. Satan is the author of all curses to mankind. We have the choice of two doors:
1. The door of Truth
2. The door of man lured by lust and desire
Judgment is in the hands of man contingent upon his choice. God is not giving judgment:He has already made judgment by setting forth His Truth: Deut 30:19 I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may have life:
I said that to tell you this: In this nation we are trying to remedy the symptoms of disobedience without seeing that the cause IS disobedience. None of the wounds to our economy will be remedied because we ignore the source of our problem. Obedience is better than sacrifice, but we keep trying to feed the sacrifice, which is like a ravenous animal. Feeding into lack is like trying to feed quicksand. The more we feed it the more it eats. We have the entire Old Testament as an example of the rise and fall of God's people. God wanted them to walk in life as a model to the world, but upon their conformation to the world they sacrificed the blessings to live under curses and death. Captivity ruled their disobedience.
FACT: Seven years after the first warning of our hedge crumbling on September 11, 2001, our economy took a hit with global banks collapsing. Bailouts and bankruptcy were fed into this quicksand which gobbled and fed more to no avail. Everyone was made a debtor to the god of mammon! It happened to fall on the 7th year of the Hebrew shmita. Simply put, the Hebrew shmita forces man to recognize that there is more to life than just the physical world. By refraining from agricultural work and instead, devoting his time to WORD study, man spent every seventh year developing the spiritual world as well. Second, shmita involves social justice. In the past, landowners were, by definition rich; more land signified greater wealth. Yet during the sabbatical year, the landowners must repudiate ownership of his fruit. In other words, anyone may enter the landowner's Field and partake of the fruit. [No, this is not called socialism but charity and spiritual growth.] thus, the landowner and the village pauper enter the field as equals, and each are permitted to pick exactly the amount they need to eat. Since the rich must forgive all poor's debts, an impoverished man can more easily get back on his own two feet after the shmita year has concluded. Furthermore, by observing the laws of shmita, man is, in effect declaring that he recognizes that all the property which he has acquired does not truly belong to him. Rather, everything that he has comes from God. therefore, he obeys God's command and repudiates ownership of his fruit, refrains from working his fields and cancels debtors. This Hebrew practice was the spiritual Truth of forgiving debts. When the Jews did not obey the shmita, they found themselves in captivity, and the land rested by force, and the wealthy landowners lost their lands by force. The Jews would either submit to Truth or be forced into Truth at their peril...Truth is not stopped because man ignores it.
Granted, our nation is many sabbaticals in debt but lived under the grace of God's forgiveness. However, we were served notice on 9/11 that our hedge had been compromised. We had no idea that we were vulnerable, but Truth was revealed by force as the enemy entered where he could not before. Truth to the disobedient is a curse. As this nation has disregarded Truth, Truth was revealed in a way we did not choose. That was man's judgment, and we are living it. We did not obey the Truth even after it was exposed, and the next Truth followed. There is no grace, for grace is the sign of a nation under God. Our decision was to become a secular nation and further our walk of disobedience. Truth will become a reality whether man complies with it or not. In 2008, just seven years to the day of 9/11 the landowners began to fail and banks began to collapse. We fed the symptoms by bailouts, and those not receiving them went bankrupt. Man is a poor excuse for god, but man continues to play the role.
This means that Truth will prevail but not as the blessing it was intended because man has cursed all of God's blessings and reset another truth to his own pallet. when a nation recalibrates away from God, he ignorantly sets the prophetic clock of forced Truth, however, instead of receiving the prosperity of it, we receive it in our lack. Man becomes under the hand of his own judgment. He made his choice but does not like what his choice has produced.
This is an election year. How far off course do we intend to go? If you asked anyone what they think is the most important consideration in this country, you will hear them say JOBS and the economy. The more we seek mammon the more it will be our curse. Again, we do not heed the Truth, but in the end Truth will be the reality. No man can stop Truth, but he can repent for having left it, return to God and be blessed or live on the negative side of this Truth as it's reality unfolds.
Which of America's gods will back up on us next? the pharaoh of old made forced abortion on the Jews, and Egypt lost their firstborn. what will happen when we elect a leader like Obama who lifted the ban on partial birth abortions as well as government's intrusion with mandates of contraceptives forced on churches to offer in contradiction to abstinence? Truth is at our door ready to make it's third visit. You can either open the door to Truth and follow its blessings or bolt the door against it and sacrifice the blessing. Truth will come and with it the opportunity to be blessed. Take the opportunity and put your hand to what is right. Make a commitment to morality rather than mammon. We have the choice to welcome the blessings back in this nation or become like the rest of the world and taste its suffering.
These are my own words: Debbie Killian....on May 9th 2012 our President announced that he will support gay marriage.
While God loves the homosexual He hates the homosexuality. For me, this is another blow to our country and another strike against us from God. And sadly most people are for it, even Christians. What's wrong with this picture? God has explicitly shown us in the Word that having unnatural desires for the same sex is a sin, however we choose AGAIN to embrace it. I'm not saying that we are not to love homosexuals....I have a few self proclaimed gays who are very kind and caring and I like them deeply.
That being said, I still have to speak God's Truth and you can find it many scriptures such as Colossians 3:5-7: Galatians 6:19-21: 1 Corinthians 6:9&10.
Could it be possible that our immorality will be the door ready to make it's third visit??
Just a thought.
John 14:6 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.
Truth is God, and God is truth. God is Word, and Word is Truth. What is Truth's definition?
The dictionary defines it as:
1. something factual: the thing that corresponds to fact or reality
2. true quality: Correspondence to fact or reality
3. true statement: a statement that corresponds to fact or reality
Truth is fact and reality. Truth cannot be recalibrated. It is set as fact and reality no matter the situation surrounding it, man's agreement to it or his adherence to it. Man may accept a fable, but it will not stop the course of Truth. Truth will find it's reality.
Wisdom follows Truth and is blessed by it, while the foolish disregard it, and Truth becomes his curse. All through the Pentateuch [first five books of Moses and the law] God is setting the grounds for what will bring life, abundance and blessings and what will reap lack, curses and destruction. Jesus came to bring us eternal life through forgiveness by His shed blood and abundance for our obedience to walk in the spirit and in Truth. God is not in the curses because God is not a curse. Satan is the author of all curses to mankind. We have the choice of two doors:
1. The door of Truth
2. The door of man lured by lust and desire
Judgment is in the hands of man contingent upon his choice. God is not giving judgment:He has already made judgment by setting forth His Truth: Deut 30:19 I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may have life:
I said that to tell you this: In this nation we are trying to remedy the symptoms of disobedience without seeing that the cause IS disobedience. None of the wounds to our economy will be remedied because we ignore the source of our problem. Obedience is better than sacrifice, but we keep trying to feed the sacrifice, which is like a ravenous animal. Feeding into lack is like trying to feed quicksand. The more we feed it the more it eats. We have the entire Old Testament as an example of the rise and fall of God's people. God wanted them to walk in life as a model to the world, but upon their conformation to the world they sacrificed the blessings to live under curses and death. Captivity ruled their disobedience.
FACT: Seven years after the first warning of our hedge crumbling on September 11, 2001, our economy took a hit with global banks collapsing. Bailouts and bankruptcy were fed into this quicksand which gobbled and fed more to no avail. Everyone was made a debtor to the god of mammon! It happened to fall on the 7th year of the Hebrew shmita. Simply put, the Hebrew shmita forces man to recognize that there is more to life than just the physical world. By refraining from agricultural work and instead, devoting his time to WORD study, man spent every seventh year developing the spiritual world as well. Second, shmita involves social justice. In the past, landowners were, by definition rich; more land signified greater wealth. Yet during the sabbatical year, the landowners must repudiate ownership of his fruit. In other words, anyone may enter the landowner's Field and partake of the fruit. [No, this is not called socialism but charity and spiritual growth.] thus, the landowner and the village pauper enter the field as equals, and each are permitted to pick exactly the amount they need to eat. Since the rich must forgive all poor's debts, an impoverished man can more easily get back on his own two feet after the shmita year has concluded. Furthermore, by observing the laws of shmita, man is, in effect declaring that he recognizes that all the property which he has acquired does not truly belong to him. Rather, everything that he has comes from God. therefore, he obeys God's command and repudiates ownership of his fruit, refrains from working his fields and cancels debtors. This Hebrew practice was the spiritual Truth of forgiving debts. When the Jews did not obey the shmita, they found themselves in captivity, and the land rested by force, and the wealthy landowners lost their lands by force. The Jews would either submit to Truth or be forced into Truth at their peril...Truth is not stopped because man ignores it.
Granted, our nation is many sabbaticals in debt but lived under the grace of God's forgiveness. However, we were served notice on 9/11 that our hedge had been compromised. We had no idea that we were vulnerable, but Truth was revealed by force as the enemy entered where he could not before. Truth to the disobedient is a curse. As this nation has disregarded Truth, Truth was revealed in a way we did not choose. That was man's judgment, and we are living it. We did not obey the Truth even after it was exposed, and the next Truth followed. There is no grace, for grace is the sign of a nation under God. Our decision was to become a secular nation and further our walk of disobedience. Truth will become a reality whether man complies with it or not. In 2008, just seven years to the day of 9/11 the landowners began to fail and banks began to collapse. We fed the symptoms by bailouts, and those not receiving them went bankrupt. Man is a poor excuse for god, but man continues to play the role.
This means that Truth will prevail but not as the blessing it was intended because man has cursed all of God's blessings and reset another truth to his own pallet. when a nation recalibrates away from God, he ignorantly sets the prophetic clock of forced Truth, however, instead of receiving the prosperity of it, we receive it in our lack. Man becomes under the hand of his own judgment. He made his choice but does not like what his choice has produced.
This is an election year. How far off course do we intend to go? If you asked anyone what they think is the most important consideration in this country, you will hear them say JOBS and the economy. The more we seek mammon the more it will be our curse. Again, we do not heed the Truth, but in the end Truth will be the reality. No man can stop Truth, but he can repent for having left it, return to God and be blessed or live on the negative side of this Truth as it's reality unfolds.
Which of America's gods will back up on us next? the pharaoh of old made forced abortion on the Jews, and Egypt lost their firstborn. what will happen when we elect a leader like Obama who lifted the ban on partial birth abortions as well as government's intrusion with mandates of contraceptives forced on churches to offer in contradiction to abstinence? Truth is at our door ready to make it's third visit. You can either open the door to Truth and follow its blessings or bolt the door against it and sacrifice the blessing. Truth will come and with it the opportunity to be blessed. Take the opportunity and put your hand to what is right. Make a commitment to morality rather than mammon. We have the choice to welcome the blessings back in this nation or become like the rest of the world and taste its suffering.
These are my own words: Debbie Killian....on May 9th 2012 our President announced that he will support gay marriage.
While God loves the homosexual He hates the homosexuality. For me, this is another blow to our country and another strike against us from God. And sadly most people are for it, even Christians. What's wrong with this picture? God has explicitly shown us in the Word that having unnatural desires for the same sex is a sin, however we choose AGAIN to embrace it. I'm not saying that we are not to love homosexuals....I have a few self proclaimed gays who are very kind and caring and I like them deeply.
That being said, I still have to speak God's Truth and you can find it many scriptures such as Colossians 3:5-7: Galatians 6:19-21: 1 Corinthians 6:9&10.
Could it be possible that our immorality will be the door ready to make it's third visit??
Just a thought.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Divided We Fall
"Israel is the only nation on earth that inhabits the same land, bears the same name, speaks the same language, and worships the same God that it did over 3,000 years. you dig the soil and you find pottery from Davidic times, coins from Bar Kokhba, and 2,000-year-old-scrolls written in a script remarkably like the one that today advertises ice cream at the corner candy store." Charles Krauthammer- The Weekly Standard, May 11, 1998
In 1200BC the Children of Israel settled in the Land of Canaan after Moses led the twelve Hebrew tribes out of slavery in Egypt and with the conquests of Joshua entered into the Promise Land. She established herself as a sustainable force in the area at that time. However, in a dispute over a king, the Israelites split into the Northern Kingdom of Israel (10 tribes)and the Southern Kingdom of Judah (2 tribes). As we know, a kingdom divided against itself cannot stand, and in 722 BC Israel's reign ended when the ten tribes were conquered by Sargon ll,King of Assyria, which is modern day Iran and Syria. Likewise, in 586 BC Judah's reign ended with the conquest of Jerusalem and the Southern Kingdom by Nebuchadnezzar ll, King of Babylonia. Most of the Jews were killed, became slaves or were disbursed to other countries. Through the different conquests Israel as a nation was no longer. If you were born in the 1920s, for example, you could not fathom that a prophecy for the nation of Israel as valid because there was no such nation.
Atheists were coming out of the woodwork in the late 1800s because the end times prophecies could only occur if Israel was a nation, and it was not. It had not been for almost 3000 years, and many of the "intellectuals" wanted to know when the possibility of those prophecies, could conceivably be fulfilled. The end could not have happened in the 1800s. Israel had not been restored to her ancient land. then, almost overnight, Israel again came into being.
On May 14, 1948, with the help of the US and England, Israel was restored after the holocaust nearly wiped them out; and they have been forced to contend with ever since. On May 15, 1948, Israel was attacked by five Arab countries the very first day of her new existence. This was another prophecy fulfilled because the prophets indicated that even though Israel would be restored and would thrive she would never have peace until the end and would be surrounded by her enemies. The prophecies said that in the end, the world would turn against Israel. That would lead the way to the plains to Armageddon and the end of things as we know it. That prophecy has almost been fulfilled. Israel has been surrounded by enemies for years, but treaties have been in place to prevent war. However, with encouragement from the West, Arab leaders are being overthrown. As bad some of these leaders may have been, many were allies of the West. Through American taxpayers, billions of dollars were offered each year if they would promise not to go to war with Israel. It was like giving your lunch money to a bully to prevent being beaten up. The bully takes the money but eventually beats you up anyway. The bully is doing that very thing now. The Muslim Brotherhood, a " terrorist organization", is systematically replacing these leaders one by one and is threatening to end the "peace" with Israel. all the governments surrounding Israel are in turmoil or revolt, and they are all Islamic...enemies of Israel.
All hades is getting ready to break loose. The bullies are coming. While America has been a force with which to contend as standing in partnership with Israel, we have become a silent partner. While this administration makes sounds of supporting Israel publicly, behind close doors the opposite is true. Sanctions do not seem to matter when your national religion requires you to destroy the "GREAT SATAN". We are considered the GREAT SATAN often accompanied by shouts of "Marg bar Amrika!" Meaning:"Death to America".
Obama told Netanyahu we would support Israel's fight to stop Iran ONLY after the coming election...Just a few days ago Obama told Russian President Dmitry Medvedev privately that he had one election left and after that he would have more flexibility. Of course, Obama did not realize that his microphone was still on. The same slip happened with French President Sarkozy. Sarkozy called Israel's Prime Minister Netanyahu a liar to which President Obama replied, "you are sick of him, but I have to work with him every day." Just what exactly will happen after the election is any body's guess, but it does not seem to favor Israel.
I do not believe that President Obama speaks for all democrats and certainly not for all Americans, but I give him three strikes:
1. He has done more than any president on behalf of pro-choice.
2. He has done more than any president to infringe the rights of Christians.
3. He has been a most reluctant ally to Israel.
Written by Rebecca O'Conner and I concur.
In 1200BC the Children of Israel settled in the Land of Canaan after Moses led the twelve Hebrew tribes out of slavery in Egypt and with the conquests of Joshua entered into the Promise Land. She established herself as a sustainable force in the area at that time. However, in a dispute over a king, the Israelites split into the Northern Kingdom of Israel (10 tribes)and the Southern Kingdom of Judah (2 tribes). As we know, a kingdom divided against itself cannot stand, and in 722 BC Israel's reign ended when the ten tribes were conquered by Sargon ll,King of Assyria, which is modern day Iran and Syria. Likewise, in 586 BC Judah's reign ended with the conquest of Jerusalem and the Southern Kingdom by Nebuchadnezzar ll, King of Babylonia. Most of the Jews were killed, became slaves or were disbursed to other countries. Through the different conquests Israel as a nation was no longer. If you were born in the 1920s, for example, you could not fathom that a prophecy for the nation of Israel as valid because there was no such nation.
Atheists were coming out of the woodwork in the late 1800s because the end times prophecies could only occur if Israel was a nation, and it was not. It had not been for almost 3000 years, and many of the "intellectuals" wanted to know when the possibility of those prophecies, could conceivably be fulfilled. The end could not have happened in the 1800s. Israel had not been restored to her ancient land. then, almost overnight, Israel again came into being.
On May 14, 1948, with the help of the US and England, Israel was restored after the holocaust nearly wiped them out; and they have been forced to contend with ever since. On May 15, 1948, Israel was attacked by five Arab countries the very first day of her new existence. This was another prophecy fulfilled because the prophets indicated that even though Israel would be restored and would thrive she would never have peace until the end and would be surrounded by her enemies. The prophecies said that in the end, the world would turn against Israel. That would lead the way to the plains to Armageddon and the end of things as we know it. That prophecy has almost been fulfilled. Israel has been surrounded by enemies for years, but treaties have been in place to prevent war. However, with encouragement from the West, Arab leaders are being overthrown. As bad some of these leaders may have been, many were allies of the West. Through American taxpayers, billions of dollars were offered each year if they would promise not to go to war with Israel. It was like giving your lunch money to a bully to prevent being beaten up. The bully takes the money but eventually beats you up anyway. The bully is doing that very thing now. The Muslim Brotherhood, a " terrorist organization", is systematically replacing these leaders one by one and is threatening to end the "peace" with Israel. all the governments surrounding Israel are in turmoil or revolt, and they are all Islamic...enemies of Israel.
All hades is getting ready to break loose. The bullies are coming. While America has been a force with which to contend as standing in partnership with Israel, we have become a silent partner. While this administration makes sounds of supporting Israel publicly, behind close doors the opposite is true. Sanctions do not seem to matter when your national religion requires you to destroy the "GREAT SATAN". We are considered the GREAT SATAN often accompanied by shouts of "Marg bar Amrika!" Meaning:"Death to America".
Obama told Netanyahu we would support Israel's fight to stop Iran ONLY after the coming election...Just a few days ago Obama told Russian President Dmitry Medvedev privately that he had one election left and after that he would have more flexibility. Of course, Obama did not realize that his microphone was still on. The same slip happened with French President Sarkozy. Sarkozy called Israel's Prime Minister Netanyahu a liar to which President Obama replied, "you are sick of him, but I have to work with him every day." Just what exactly will happen after the election is any body's guess, but it does not seem to favor Israel.
I do not believe that President Obama speaks for all democrats and certainly not for all Americans, but I give him three strikes:
1. He has done more than any president on behalf of pro-choice.
2. He has done more than any president to infringe the rights of Christians.
3. He has been a most reluctant ally to Israel.
Written by Rebecca O'Conner and I concur.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Sticks And Stones
I was in the fifth grade and there was a boy in my class that everyone made fun of. This is my first recollection of being mean to someone. He was a poor boy, big for his age and everyone, including me thought he was gross. I know that is not a nice thing to say but I am speaking the truth. I remember us making comments under our breath when he would walk by knowing full well he heard every word and then laughing about it. We would walk home and he would walk by himself and we would yell terrible things to him, sometimes he would retaliate and sometimes he would act as if he didn't hear us, but I know he did. I think back on that now, and I tell you if I ever run into him I would give him the most sincere apology, for I am truly ashamed. I along with everyone else was just plain mean to this boy and for what? Because he was poor, dressed poorly, and was big for his age. My heart aches just thinking about it!
I remember later in Junior High I was made to be his science partner. At first I was appalled, but as I got to know him I found him to be nice and extremely helpful with our project.Even though he saw my reaction and remembered all the nasty things I as well as other had said about him, he still was nice to me. However, did I bother to apologize for my bad behavior...NO! I regret it to this day, and now that bullying as been brought to the fore front it bothers me even more than ever.
Awe, but believe me, YOU do reap what you sow, because I too was bullied in High School and let me tell you it isn't fun. Of course I had skills to take up for myself, but what about the ones who do not? Not that this makes one bit of difference, but back then we didn't think of it as being a bully, we thought of it as just making fun of someone, not realizing how deeply we were hurting them. I'll bet there were mornings when he wished he didn't have to go to school, because when it was happening to me, I sure skipped a lot of school.
What make any of us think we are better than anyone else? We were uniquely created for a reason and yet as people we seem to get great pleasure out of hurting one another. As humans we are so consumed by appearance instead of character that it's a wonder God hasn't wiped His hands completely of us. So what if someone is fat, skinny, unattractive (in our eyes). Whether they are short or tall, African American, Asian, Indian, Hispanic, heterosexual or homosexual? Who are we to judge? And what right has ever been given to us to judge? What right has ever been given to us to be cruel and that's what it is...CRUEL!!
We also judge people by their sins and because of it treat them unfairly. It is not for us to judge. God says in Matthew 7:1-5 Judge not,that ye be not judged. For what judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. And why behold thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but consider not the beam that is in your eye? Or how will thy say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote in your eye ; and behold, a beam is in thy own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast the beam out of your own eye; and then shall you see clearly to cast out the mote in your brother's eye. Sin is sin, we as a people put a degree on sin but in God's eyes gossiping is just as sinful as over eating, or drinking, or any other sin, with the exception of the unpardonable one.
Who made us judge and jury? I tell you, we will be held accountable for bullying and I repent, for Lord I am truly sorry. People are killing themselves over being bullied, people are killing each other because they think themselves better than someone else. It has become an epidemic and now with the Internet and texting, it's even worse. Stick and stones may brake my bones but words will never hurt me. That is such a lie, for words can cut deeper and last longer than any knife wound. Hurtful words play over and over in your mind, to the point to where you start to believe them. Society has made such a big deal out of looks, and size that I feel sorry for the youth growing up in these times. So some kids don't like sports, or they are not a cheerleader so what? So what if your not popular, it's what's inside that truly counts, although I'm sure those of you being bullied are saying to yourself, "easy for you to say!"
Believe it or not, it does get better as you get older, but if you find yourself in a situation that is unbearable don't keep still. It's just like sexual or physical abuse, silence is an abusers best friend and it is also a bully's best friend. Go to someone and tell, don't be afraid or ashamed that you can't handle it on your own. Sometimes it takes another person to step in and take action. Trust me, for ever action there is a reaction and your reaction may not be able to undo, especially if you are thinking of taking your own life!! Nobody, no matter what is said about you is worth taking your life over. Your life is a precious gift and you are precious!
I was abused, used, mistreated and unpopular in High School. I had a teacher make fun of me my freshman year in front of the whole class. I had friends who turned their backs on me and friends who betrayed me. Like I said, for every action there is a reaction and my reaction was rebellion, every kind of rebellion you can think of. I lived a life of lies and deceit and I cried when I was alone all the time. I could have used some help, but I didn't reach out because of pride. When I think back on that young boy, I wonder if he cried when he was alone? I wonder if he ever felt love and acceptance as he grew older? Children can be so cruel and so can their parents. And there is no defense for a parent condoning their child being a bully.
Those of you who are reading this, if you have been bullied please know that there is help out there. Now, more than ever you have an advocate because people are finally recognizing the terrible effects of bullying. Now is YOUR time to expose those who are mistreating you. Whether it be with words, or physical, YOU have the power to stop it. Just as all of us in life must step forward when a wrong is being committed, you must too. You are stronger than you think and braver than you realize. Just take that one step or say those two words...HELP ME! I will help you, I realize that in order for you to comment you need a google account, but it's not hard to get. Do it, then write to me, together we can find a solution, no matter where you live. If need be, I'll be your advocate!!
My heart is sadden as I type this because there is a man lying in a hospital room fighting for his very life because of a bully. Don't let that be you. You may not feel this way, but God does love you. He knew you before you were even conceived and He has a plan for each and everyone of us who will seek Him and allow Him to direct our path. Come just as you are with all your imperfections, as we all have them. In closing really comprehend what Jesus says in Matthew 5:3-12
3) Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4) Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
5) Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
6) Blessed are they which hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be full.
7) Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
8) Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
9) Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
10) Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of
heaven.
11) Blessed are ye when men shall revile you and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil
against you falsely, for my sake.
12) Rejoice and be exceedingly glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they
the prophets which were before you.
The first one 3) is a prophecy, the following nine are promises and the last one 12) is a command.
God will richly reward you and He will come to your defense. And may we all remember what it says in
St. John15:12&13 This is my commandment that you love one another, as I have loved you. Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
I hope one day I get the opportunity to see that young man, so that I can tell him how sorry I am. If you are guilty of bullying as I once was, I pray this makes you realize that your actions are no small thing and that it really is a sign of a deep seeded problem within you as it was in me. And those of you who have been bullied as I once was, forgive them. Forgiveness is for YOU, for not being able to forgive only hurts YOU! When you forgive it releases YOU to live a fulfilled and content life. It loosens YOU to receive all that God has to offer YOU. I encourage all to quit focusing on the exterior and look at the interior of a person. I like M.L.King have a dream also, that one day we will not look at the color of ones skin or their appearance, but rather become aware of the importance of the content of their character. For that truly IS what matters!!
I remember later in Junior High I was made to be his science partner. At first I was appalled, but as I got to know him I found him to be nice and extremely helpful with our project.Even though he saw my reaction and remembered all the nasty things I as well as other had said about him, he still was nice to me. However, did I bother to apologize for my bad behavior...NO! I regret it to this day, and now that bullying as been brought to the fore front it bothers me even more than ever.
Awe, but believe me, YOU do reap what you sow, because I too was bullied in High School and let me tell you it isn't fun. Of course I had skills to take up for myself, but what about the ones who do not? Not that this makes one bit of difference, but back then we didn't think of it as being a bully, we thought of it as just making fun of someone, not realizing how deeply we were hurting them. I'll bet there were mornings when he wished he didn't have to go to school, because when it was happening to me, I sure skipped a lot of school.
What make any of us think we are better than anyone else? We were uniquely created for a reason and yet as people we seem to get great pleasure out of hurting one another. As humans we are so consumed by appearance instead of character that it's a wonder God hasn't wiped His hands completely of us. So what if someone is fat, skinny, unattractive (in our eyes). Whether they are short or tall, African American, Asian, Indian, Hispanic, heterosexual or homosexual? Who are we to judge? And what right has ever been given to us to judge? What right has ever been given to us to be cruel and that's what it is...CRUEL!!
We also judge people by their sins and because of it treat them unfairly. It is not for us to judge. God says in Matthew 7:1-5 Judge not,that ye be not judged. For what judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. And why behold thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but consider not the beam that is in your eye? Or how will thy say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote in your eye ; and behold, a beam is in thy own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast the beam out of your own eye; and then shall you see clearly to cast out the mote in your brother's eye. Sin is sin, we as a people put a degree on sin but in God's eyes gossiping is just as sinful as over eating, or drinking, or any other sin, with the exception of the unpardonable one.
Who made us judge and jury? I tell you, we will be held accountable for bullying and I repent, for Lord I am truly sorry. People are killing themselves over being bullied, people are killing each other because they think themselves better than someone else. It has become an epidemic and now with the Internet and texting, it's even worse. Stick and stones may brake my bones but words will never hurt me. That is such a lie, for words can cut deeper and last longer than any knife wound. Hurtful words play over and over in your mind, to the point to where you start to believe them. Society has made such a big deal out of looks, and size that I feel sorry for the youth growing up in these times. So some kids don't like sports, or they are not a cheerleader so what? So what if your not popular, it's what's inside that truly counts, although I'm sure those of you being bullied are saying to yourself, "easy for you to say!"
Believe it or not, it does get better as you get older, but if you find yourself in a situation that is unbearable don't keep still. It's just like sexual or physical abuse, silence is an abusers best friend and it is also a bully's best friend. Go to someone and tell, don't be afraid or ashamed that you can't handle it on your own. Sometimes it takes another person to step in and take action. Trust me, for ever action there is a reaction and your reaction may not be able to undo, especially if you are thinking of taking your own life!! Nobody, no matter what is said about you is worth taking your life over. Your life is a precious gift and you are precious!
I was abused, used, mistreated and unpopular in High School. I had a teacher make fun of me my freshman year in front of the whole class. I had friends who turned their backs on me and friends who betrayed me. Like I said, for every action there is a reaction and my reaction was rebellion, every kind of rebellion you can think of. I lived a life of lies and deceit and I cried when I was alone all the time. I could have used some help, but I didn't reach out because of pride. When I think back on that young boy, I wonder if he cried when he was alone? I wonder if he ever felt love and acceptance as he grew older? Children can be so cruel and so can their parents. And there is no defense for a parent condoning their child being a bully.
Those of you who are reading this, if you have been bullied please know that there is help out there. Now, more than ever you have an advocate because people are finally recognizing the terrible effects of bullying. Now is YOUR time to expose those who are mistreating you. Whether it be with words, or physical, YOU have the power to stop it. Just as all of us in life must step forward when a wrong is being committed, you must too. You are stronger than you think and braver than you realize. Just take that one step or say those two words...HELP ME! I will help you, I realize that in order for you to comment you need a google account, but it's not hard to get. Do it, then write to me, together we can find a solution, no matter where you live. If need be, I'll be your advocate!!
My heart is sadden as I type this because there is a man lying in a hospital room fighting for his very life because of a bully. Don't let that be you. You may not feel this way, but God does love you. He knew you before you were even conceived and He has a plan for each and everyone of us who will seek Him and allow Him to direct our path. Come just as you are with all your imperfections, as we all have them. In closing really comprehend what Jesus says in Matthew 5:3-12
3) Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4) Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
5) Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
6) Blessed are they which hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be full.
7) Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
8) Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
9) Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
10) Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of
heaven.
11) Blessed are ye when men shall revile you and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil
against you falsely, for my sake.
12) Rejoice and be exceedingly glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they
the prophets which were before you.
The first one 3) is a prophecy, the following nine are promises and the last one 12) is a command.
God will richly reward you and He will come to your defense. And may we all remember what it says in
St. John15:12&13 This is my commandment that you love one another, as I have loved you. Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
I hope one day I get the opportunity to see that young man, so that I can tell him how sorry I am. If you are guilty of bullying as I once was, I pray this makes you realize that your actions are no small thing and that it really is a sign of a deep seeded problem within you as it was in me. And those of you who have been bullied as I once was, forgive them. Forgiveness is for YOU, for not being able to forgive only hurts YOU! When you forgive it releases YOU to live a fulfilled and content life. It loosens YOU to receive all that God has to offer YOU. I encourage all to quit focusing on the exterior and look at the interior of a person. I like M.L.King have a dream also, that one day we will not look at the color of ones skin or their appearance, but rather become aware of the importance of the content of their character. For that truly IS what matters!!
Friday, March 30, 2012
Just As I Am
I'm sitting here thinking about when I began writing my blogs, how scared I was that no one would understand and yes...I even thought some of you would think I of was attention seeking! Now I realize it has become a necessity!! I don't know how I kept all this in for so many years. Here I am, a grown woman and in some aspects still a small child. I think about the really important things that were back in my life and wish I had a do over. Then I suddenly realize that if maybe, just maybe I had never been abused I would have done a lot of things different. I've said it once and I'll say it again, people say you should never have regrets. I say to myself, "how can I NOT have regrets?" Did I want someone to abuse me? Absolutely not! So yes, I regret all of this stuff that has happened to me!! However, I know God will work it all toward the good for me and for you.
I wonder about abusers? What makes a man/woman think of a child so sexually? I know all the reasons given for such behavior, but still, being the victim and knowing how a victim feels, I still have to wonder! How do they justify their actions? Even physical abuse, a man shakes his six weeks old baby girl until her brain is damaged!!!! I use to care for people whom had grown and were adults, but had no great quality of life because of actions such as shaking, and throwing them against a wall. I look at my soon to be two month old grandson and think...how can someone do such a thing? My heart cries out for that child and more like them. It happens often you know?
I'll be fifty six soon and I confess that I live on red alert for my grandchildren. The parents get mad because I make comments concerning their safety, but I can't help it. I know they are being well watched, but still I can't help it! I don't mean to insult their abilities as a mother, I simply can't help it!! The thought of one of my grandchildren ever going through what I have, sickens me to the core. The thought of my children being assaulted sickens me to the core. I don't want one more child to EVER feel the way I've felt all these years. But that's unrealistic I know!
I ponder on my Heavenly Father. He knows all things before it happens, why did it ever have to happen? I know the answers to those questions, you see I have the head knowledge, but I still don't have the heart knowledge. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame God. I know why humans have a sinful nature. Not every wrong thing I did can I completely blame on the abuse. I also had choices that I hold myself accountable for, some decisions I made out of PRIDE! It does say "Pride goth before the fall". Well that's certainly the truth.
Oh I could on and on and on and ON, but there is no need for it anymore. I've come into a happier place. I'm understanding that you don't always have to be perfect to be accepted. I'm slowly but surely understanding the acceptance of self. That's a victory, REALLY it is! The family and friends I love don't profess to be perfect and I love them JUST the way they are. They may make me mad, but still I love them. I truly care for the well being. And as for myself? It is what it is, plain and simply. Sometimes life throws you some lemons....bad lemons. However, one can choose to either just sit there and let them rot, of make some good old lemonade. I'm ready for the lemonade!
I'm not saying that every once in awhile I won't have a difficult day, but I feel like I'm on the mend. And I encourage YOU the reader, if you're at the end of yourself, and you know what I mean. Please, comment to me, I'll return your questions or testimonies with a comment. I know how important it is sometimes to vent. VENT to me, I'm here. Nope, I do not have a P.H.D., so I don't know all the answers, but I can listen and tell you how I feel. I want to be the listening ear I never had. Anonymous is fine, we're all just faces in a world full of danger.
I'm going to try and be more upbeat with my blogs. So if you begin to notice that I'm not just focusing on abuse, rejection, etc. it's because I'm learning to accept me. The good, the bad, the ugly...me! However, I do have a weapon on my side and He is Jesus. Those of you who do not know Him, you really should give HIM a try, you won't be disappointed. Not in Jesus, In humans YES, but not Jesus. Those of you whom are Christians, we all need to have a more intimate relationship with Him. I've noticed that since writing these blogs and sharing my love for Jesus, I've started to change inside. Will the wounds always be there? Only time will tell, after all this is new for me. I've never experienced this kind of acceptance towards myself. One thing I do know, I always have Jesus, maybe not as close as He would have liked me to be YET, but He has always waited for me. HE'S waiting for YOU too.
Yes, I believe I'm beginning to reclaim my life. I'm not stupid enough not to know there is still a hill to climb, but at least I'm climbing. I'm now moving forward instead of backwards. I may stumble, but I know I'm capable of getting up, brushing myself off and starting all over again. And I give God the glory. Just as I am, I come but not alone, with Jesus.
I wonder about abusers? What makes a man/woman think of a child so sexually? I know all the reasons given for such behavior, but still, being the victim and knowing how a victim feels, I still have to wonder! How do they justify their actions? Even physical abuse, a man shakes his six weeks old baby girl until her brain is damaged!!!! I use to care for people whom had grown and were adults, but had no great quality of life because of actions such as shaking, and throwing them against a wall. I look at my soon to be two month old grandson and think...how can someone do such a thing? My heart cries out for that child and more like them. It happens often you know?
I'll be fifty six soon and I confess that I live on red alert for my grandchildren. The parents get mad because I make comments concerning their safety, but I can't help it. I know they are being well watched, but still I can't help it! I don't mean to insult their abilities as a mother, I simply can't help it!! The thought of one of my grandchildren ever going through what I have, sickens me to the core. The thought of my children being assaulted sickens me to the core. I don't want one more child to EVER feel the way I've felt all these years. But that's unrealistic I know!
I ponder on my Heavenly Father. He knows all things before it happens, why did it ever have to happen? I know the answers to those questions, you see I have the head knowledge, but I still don't have the heart knowledge. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame God. I know why humans have a sinful nature. Not every wrong thing I did can I completely blame on the abuse. I also had choices that I hold myself accountable for, some decisions I made out of PRIDE! It does say "Pride goth before the fall". Well that's certainly the truth.
Oh I could on and on and on and ON, but there is no need for it anymore. I've come into a happier place. I'm understanding that you don't always have to be perfect to be accepted. I'm slowly but surely understanding the acceptance of self. That's a victory, REALLY it is! The family and friends I love don't profess to be perfect and I love them JUST the way they are. They may make me mad, but still I love them. I truly care for the well being. And as for myself? It is what it is, plain and simply. Sometimes life throws you some lemons....bad lemons. However, one can choose to either just sit there and let them rot, of make some good old lemonade. I'm ready for the lemonade!
I'm not saying that every once in awhile I won't have a difficult day, but I feel like I'm on the mend. And I encourage YOU the reader, if you're at the end of yourself, and you know what I mean. Please, comment to me, I'll return your questions or testimonies with a comment. I know how important it is sometimes to vent. VENT to me, I'm here. Nope, I do not have a P.H.D., so I don't know all the answers, but I can listen and tell you how I feel. I want to be the listening ear I never had. Anonymous is fine, we're all just faces in a world full of danger.
I'm going to try and be more upbeat with my blogs. So if you begin to notice that I'm not just focusing on abuse, rejection, etc. it's because I'm learning to accept me. The good, the bad, the ugly...me! However, I do have a weapon on my side and He is Jesus. Those of you who do not know Him, you really should give HIM a try, you won't be disappointed. Not in Jesus, In humans YES, but not Jesus. Those of you whom are Christians, we all need to have a more intimate relationship with Him. I've noticed that since writing these blogs and sharing my love for Jesus, I've started to change inside. Will the wounds always be there? Only time will tell, after all this is new for me. I've never experienced this kind of acceptance towards myself. One thing I do know, I always have Jesus, maybe not as close as He would have liked me to be YET, but He has always waited for me. HE'S waiting for YOU too.
Yes, I believe I'm beginning to reclaim my life. I'm not stupid enough not to know there is still a hill to climb, but at least I'm climbing. I'm now moving forward instead of backwards. I may stumble, but I know I'm capable of getting up, brushing myself off and starting all over again. And I give God the glory. Just as I am, I come but not alone, with Jesus.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Reading Road Maps In The Dark
I realize I have laid dormant for many years. As I look back on my life, it's almost as if I've watched it from outside of my body. Here I am, soon to be 56 years old and other than my children, what do I have to show for it? I wasted my years wondering mindlessly in the dark. Fooling myself into thinking I was doing terrific when all along I was fooling people around me as well as myself.
I should have gone to college, but I wasn't encouraged to do so. I look at all my friends have accomplished and wonder why didn't I have that drive? I know it's never too late to go to college, but my desire is not there. What is my purpose Lord? I know we all have some kind of calling, but I'm yet to find mine. I'm not complaining, really I'm not. Nor am I wanting sympathy. God has been good to me regardless of my rebellious nature and for that I am truly thankful!
I feel I'm beginning a new chapter in my life and although I've been told that we should never have regrets because they're what makes us who we are. I can't help but have them anyway. When I was a little girl I had such dreams for my life, but I allowed them to be stolen. Now as I reflect on the many years that have past, I can't help but feel mad at myself as well as others, but mainly at myself. After all it was up to me to take the lessons I learned and turn them into good.
A friend of mine posted a song by Michael McDermott called Carry Your Cross and although I find the lyrics haunting because of memories, there is one particular part of the song that keeps going over and over in my mind and those lyrics are "We're like reading road maps in the dark!" That's what I feel like I've been doing all of my life!! I'm so ready to come out of that darkness and begin to read the map that God has had planed out for me, but I keep getting in His way! I'm so sorry for decisions I've made, some that has caused harm to my loved ones. I truly want to do what is pleasing to my Lord, but just as Paul wrote, the thing I want to do, I do not do and those things that I do not want to do, I do.
How long can you wait for me Lord? I'm afraid of that answer. My desire is there but my flesh is so weak. All I know to do is ask You Lord to please not give up on me. People think because I pray and desire to seek Your will and I talk the talk, that I walk the walk. That is so far from the truth, although I will say my desire is to be that kind of person, sadly I am not consistent nor have I surrender completely.
I guess I'm writing this because I don't want any one to think I am fake or that I'm try to put on a facade. I tell it like it is, good or bad and when I'm wrong I say I'm wrong. I think I am a trust worthy person, and will defend what I believe is right to the very end. If I am your friend, I will fight for you if need be and when I get hurt, I try to forgive. Sometimes it takes awhile for me to get to the point of forgiveness, but eventually I do get there.
I tend to look at others who have strength and conviction for the Lord and find myself envious of their relationship with God. All the while knowing full well, that He is there ready for me...waiting for me...reaching for me. Why, what or whom am I waiting for? These are questions I ask myself almost daily. Do I have faith? The answer is definitely. Do I believe God answers prayer? Most definitely!!
So why am I still reading road maps in the dark? I believe some of it has to do with the sexual abuse that still creeps around in my mind, as well as some hurts that I haven't be able to let go of. Important people who have hurt my heart that hasn't yet mended. And some of them have been Christians. Yet I know when I stand before my Lord and Savior I have no excuse, for He is ready and willing to heal my brokenness. You see I know the scriptures, and recite them to help others, yet here I am keeping myself from allowing God to help me. Oh, He has help me many times, but I always take the help I've received from Him back!
Why are you down cast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 42:11
I truly believe and have hope in the scripture that is found in Romans 8:38&39...For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I claim that Father for myself in Jesus Name. Please forgive me and never give up on me, for I know in my heart that the scripture is true in Philippians 2:13...For it is God which works in you(me) both to will and to do His good pleasure. As always I will continue to pray for my break through and I am sure that day will come!!
I should have gone to college, but I wasn't encouraged to do so. I look at all my friends have accomplished and wonder why didn't I have that drive? I know it's never too late to go to college, but my desire is not there. What is my purpose Lord? I know we all have some kind of calling, but I'm yet to find mine. I'm not complaining, really I'm not. Nor am I wanting sympathy. God has been good to me regardless of my rebellious nature and for that I am truly thankful!
I feel I'm beginning a new chapter in my life and although I've been told that we should never have regrets because they're what makes us who we are. I can't help but have them anyway. When I was a little girl I had such dreams for my life, but I allowed them to be stolen. Now as I reflect on the many years that have past, I can't help but feel mad at myself as well as others, but mainly at myself. After all it was up to me to take the lessons I learned and turn them into good.
A friend of mine posted a song by Michael McDermott called Carry Your Cross and although I find the lyrics haunting because of memories, there is one particular part of the song that keeps going over and over in my mind and those lyrics are "We're like reading road maps in the dark!" That's what I feel like I've been doing all of my life!! I'm so ready to come out of that darkness and begin to read the map that God has had planed out for me, but I keep getting in His way! I'm so sorry for decisions I've made, some that has caused harm to my loved ones. I truly want to do what is pleasing to my Lord, but just as Paul wrote, the thing I want to do, I do not do and those things that I do not want to do, I do.
How long can you wait for me Lord? I'm afraid of that answer. My desire is there but my flesh is so weak. All I know to do is ask You Lord to please not give up on me. People think because I pray and desire to seek Your will and I talk the talk, that I walk the walk. That is so far from the truth, although I will say my desire is to be that kind of person, sadly I am not consistent nor have I surrender completely.
I guess I'm writing this because I don't want any one to think I am fake or that I'm try to put on a facade. I tell it like it is, good or bad and when I'm wrong I say I'm wrong. I think I am a trust worthy person, and will defend what I believe is right to the very end. If I am your friend, I will fight for you if need be and when I get hurt, I try to forgive. Sometimes it takes awhile for me to get to the point of forgiveness, but eventually I do get there.
I tend to look at others who have strength and conviction for the Lord and find myself envious of their relationship with God. All the while knowing full well, that He is there ready for me...waiting for me...reaching for me. Why, what or whom am I waiting for? These are questions I ask myself almost daily. Do I have faith? The answer is definitely. Do I believe God answers prayer? Most definitely!!
So why am I still reading road maps in the dark? I believe some of it has to do with the sexual abuse that still creeps around in my mind, as well as some hurts that I haven't be able to let go of. Important people who have hurt my heart that hasn't yet mended. And some of them have been Christians. Yet I know when I stand before my Lord and Savior I have no excuse, for He is ready and willing to heal my brokenness. You see I know the scriptures, and recite them to help others, yet here I am keeping myself from allowing God to help me. Oh, He has help me many times, but I always take the help I've received from Him back!
Why are you down cast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 42:11
I truly believe and have hope in the scripture that is found in Romans 8:38&39...For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I claim that Father for myself in Jesus Name. Please forgive me and never give up on me, for I know in my heart that the scripture is true in Philippians 2:13...For it is God which works in you(me) both to will and to do His good pleasure. As always I will continue to pray for my break through and I am sure that day will come!!
Friday, March 9, 2012
The Invisible Children Of Uganda
There were many reason I began to write a blog, but I never knew just how therapeutic this would be. I have manage all my life to disguise my feelings and at times I think many thought I had no feeling nor conscience. It's easier than people think to hide pain that one goes through, than it is to deal with someone else's pain. I feel someone else's pain this evening so strongly that I feel I am suffocating.
I could never be a politician, no it's much better for me to just be a plain Jane, a no schmo, a nobody because if I had the power to exercise force I would do it this very moment! I must have been hiding under a rock for eight or nine years, because this is the first time I've actually heard about Joesph Kony the leader of the L.R.A. or Lords Resistance Army. I watched in horror as the reporter told the story of all the children being kidnapped and forced to fight for this Joesph Kony. The boys are brutalized and taken from the parents, even made to kill them and the girls are taking for sexual pleasures for the men in authority in this army.
As a sexually abused survivor I can hardly catch my breath listening to the horrific and disgusting situations these young children have to endure. I can not believe that our government has allowed this to go on for so long. You may feel that it is none of our business and to let the country deal with their own issues, God tells me different and so does my heart. What is wrong with this world? And what is wrong with us? I guess God knows what he's talking about by not revealing the power that we actually have within us, because we probably would use it to call down fire upon everyone who offended us, but this circumstance is totally different as far as I am concerned. And at this time I wish I could call fire down on this ungodly man!!I know, I know, vengeance is mine saith the Lord.
Just as my heart would beat out of my chest when going through the abuse I have had to deal with, my heart is beating out of my chest for these "Invisible Children of Uganda" It's as if I feel there heart pounding, feel there tears actually going down my face, I can hear the screams of the young girls being raped and killed and the boys getting their ears,fingers,lips and nose cut off. Why is this happening? And better yet, what can we do? I feel as if I can't catch my breath, as if there is something I can do this very moment, but what? Ranting is getting me nowhere, and crying isn't helping either!
PRAY...PRAY...PRAY AND DON'T STOP! We are entering a time where crucial decisions are being made, and we just might be the next to endure such brutality. I know you love us Lord, but how can you put up with so much wickedness, and how can we ask you to not look away from us as a nation, when we have turned our backs on you? We aren't living an American dream, but rather the reality of America! And the reality is that we have turned away from our first love which is God all mighty and He is going to turn His back on us if we as a nation and as individuals don't repent and turn from our sins and abominations. Do you really think that we are THAT special that what is happening in Uganda, Iran, Syria, North Korea can't happen to us? We are already owned by China.
When I found out that those children in Uganda run every night once it is dark trying to return to their homes, knowing if they get caught death awaits them and nothing is being done about it, simply makes me sick and ashamed for our Country and ashamed as a people who speak of rights for others. Oh we will fight for the right to abort a child, fight for the right for same sex marriage, fight for the right for other religions to have their freedoms while little by little Christians loose theirs. We fight for every single thing that God abhors.
Over and over again God speaks to the churches in Revelations warning and saying "he that hath an ear let him hear what the Spirit saith to the churches!" But we desensitized people don't think God is speaking to us. We say, but God we love thy neighbor as Christ loves the church...lies! We feed the poor and widows and care for the children...lies! We are a nation of lovers of self.
God how can I lay me down to sleep tonight knowing there are children out there being tortured, mutilate, raped, shivering in the darkness. Wondering where their help or even if their help will come? As I place those covers over my clean body, with my belly full, heat in my home, water to drink and food to eat and a light to find my way, how do I close my eyes and sleep peacefully? Where is their light Oh Lord? Where is their comfortable bed to sleep in and food and water to drink? Wanting their mothers and fathers to hold them and tell them they are loved and are safe?
They are going through their tribulation right now, young , innocent, and scared. Can you hear their hearts beating out of their chest? I can. Can you hear their cry in the night and through the day? I can. Can you hear that young girl being raped or beaten into submission? I can. Can you hear that young boy being sodomized? I can. Can you stand by and do nothing? I can't.
God I make this pledge to you this very moment, if you show me the way to help, I will. Show me the path in which to take,for I can rest assured that You will protect me, for he that dwells in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the Shadow of the Almighty. I know that God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and of love, and of a sound mind. That no weapon formed against me shall prosper. Any tongue that shall rise against me shall be shown to be wrong, for this is my heritage as a servant of the Lord and my righteousness is of the Lord.
As I close with such a heavy heart, I leave you with this prayer. Father, may those who read this blog be touched by You. May they not find comfort in their cozy life, without thinking of the children of Uganda. May you bring a Godly conviction on each and everyone to the point to where they are seeking a solution to the help of this cause. And may you turn the embers that burn ever so slowly into a raging fire that causes them not to be satisfied with their life. I ask this in the Name of Jesus, for it's not by might, nor by power, but by My spirit, says the Lord, Amen!
Father, I claim Proverbs 3:24 "When I lie down to sleep, I shall not fear for my sleep shall be sweet." And one day soon, every child shall be able to say the same thing. In the Name of Jesus,Amen!
Since I wrote this I have seen a video that exposes this evil man for what he truly is. In October President Obama officially sent troops to help with technology to find Kony, but we must keep reminding the politicians that we the people care. So on April 20th 2012 people from all over the world are going to bring light to Joseph Kony by putting flyer's and posters up and give him all the exposure and awareness that a movie star would get but it's for the purpose of revealing this depraved terrorist for what he really is. I hope all who hear the video and learn about the event will participate. If you'd like to view the video go to... Kony2012www.youtube.com
I could never be a politician, no it's much better for me to just be a plain Jane, a no schmo, a nobody because if I had the power to exercise force I would do it this very moment! I must have been hiding under a rock for eight or nine years, because this is the first time I've actually heard about Joesph Kony the leader of the L.R.A. or Lords Resistance Army. I watched in horror as the reporter told the story of all the children being kidnapped and forced to fight for this Joesph Kony. The boys are brutalized and taken from the parents, even made to kill them and the girls are taking for sexual pleasures for the men in authority in this army.
As a sexually abused survivor I can hardly catch my breath listening to the horrific and disgusting situations these young children have to endure. I can not believe that our government has allowed this to go on for so long. You may feel that it is none of our business and to let the country deal with their own issues, God tells me different and so does my heart. What is wrong with this world? And what is wrong with us? I guess God knows what he's talking about by not revealing the power that we actually have within us, because we probably would use it to call down fire upon everyone who offended us, but this circumstance is totally different as far as I am concerned. And at this time I wish I could call fire down on this ungodly man!!I know, I know, vengeance is mine saith the Lord.
Just as my heart would beat out of my chest when going through the abuse I have had to deal with, my heart is beating out of my chest for these "Invisible Children of Uganda" It's as if I feel there heart pounding, feel there tears actually going down my face, I can hear the screams of the young girls being raped and killed and the boys getting their ears,fingers,lips and nose cut off. Why is this happening? And better yet, what can we do? I feel as if I can't catch my breath, as if there is something I can do this very moment, but what? Ranting is getting me nowhere, and crying isn't helping either!
PRAY...PRAY...PRAY AND DON'T STOP! We are entering a time where crucial decisions are being made, and we just might be the next to endure such brutality. I know you love us Lord, but how can you put up with so much wickedness, and how can we ask you to not look away from us as a nation, when we have turned our backs on you? We aren't living an American dream, but rather the reality of America! And the reality is that we have turned away from our first love which is God all mighty and He is going to turn His back on us if we as a nation and as individuals don't repent and turn from our sins and abominations. Do you really think that we are THAT special that what is happening in Uganda, Iran, Syria, North Korea can't happen to us? We are already owned by China.
When I found out that those children in Uganda run every night once it is dark trying to return to their homes, knowing if they get caught death awaits them and nothing is being done about it, simply makes me sick and ashamed for our Country and ashamed as a people who speak of rights for others. Oh we will fight for the right to abort a child, fight for the right for same sex marriage, fight for the right for other religions to have their freedoms while little by little Christians loose theirs. We fight for every single thing that God abhors.
Over and over again God speaks to the churches in Revelations warning and saying "he that hath an ear let him hear what the Spirit saith to the churches!" But we desensitized people don't think God is speaking to us. We say, but God we love thy neighbor as Christ loves the church...lies! We feed the poor and widows and care for the children...lies! We are a nation of lovers of self.
God how can I lay me down to sleep tonight knowing there are children out there being tortured, mutilate, raped, shivering in the darkness. Wondering where their help or even if their help will come? As I place those covers over my clean body, with my belly full, heat in my home, water to drink and food to eat and a light to find my way, how do I close my eyes and sleep peacefully? Where is their light Oh Lord? Where is their comfortable bed to sleep in and food and water to drink? Wanting their mothers and fathers to hold them and tell them they are loved and are safe?
They are going through their tribulation right now, young , innocent, and scared. Can you hear their hearts beating out of their chest? I can. Can you hear their cry in the night and through the day? I can. Can you hear that young girl being raped or beaten into submission? I can. Can you hear that young boy being sodomized? I can. Can you stand by and do nothing? I can't.
God I make this pledge to you this very moment, if you show me the way to help, I will. Show me the path in which to take,for I can rest assured that You will protect me, for he that dwells in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the Shadow of the Almighty. I know that God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and of love, and of a sound mind. That no weapon formed against me shall prosper. Any tongue that shall rise against me shall be shown to be wrong, for this is my heritage as a servant of the Lord and my righteousness is of the Lord.
As I close with such a heavy heart, I leave you with this prayer. Father, may those who read this blog be touched by You. May they not find comfort in their cozy life, without thinking of the children of Uganda. May you bring a Godly conviction on each and everyone to the point to where they are seeking a solution to the help of this cause. And may you turn the embers that burn ever so slowly into a raging fire that causes them not to be satisfied with their life. I ask this in the Name of Jesus, for it's not by might, nor by power, but by My spirit, says the Lord, Amen!
Father, I claim Proverbs 3:24 "When I lie down to sleep, I shall not fear for my sleep shall be sweet." And one day soon, every child shall be able to say the same thing. In the Name of Jesus,Amen!
Since I wrote this I have seen a video that exposes this evil man for what he truly is. In October President Obama officially sent troops to help with technology to find Kony, but we must keep reminding the politicians that we the people care. So on April 20th 2012 people from all over the world are going to bring light to Joseph Kony by putting flyer's and posters up and give him all the exposure and awareness that a movie star would get but it's for the purpose of revealing this depraved terrorist for what he really is. I hope all who hear the video and learn about the event will participate. If you'd like to view the video go to... Kony2012www.youtube.com
Monday, March 5, 2012
The Candle Lighter Award
For those of you who have been following my blog site, you may have noticed a Candle Lighters Award below my profile picture. I have been blessed to be the recipient of this award. The award represents the following:
The Candle Lighters Award is an award for a post or blog that is positive and brings light into the world.
The Candle Lighters Award belongs to those who believe, who always survive the day and never stop dreaming, who do not quit but keep trying.
There are no rules
If a person wishes to accept it is done! You are also free to decline or ignore. A recipient can pass it on to as many nominees as they wish and as often as they wish.
If anyone would have told me that after only a few months of blogging that someone would find ME worthy of the recognition of an award, I would have thought it ridiculous. After all I have never been one to receive recognition for anything positive, at least not in a very long time. And definitely not someone like myself, who only has a High School education and can not compete with such knowledgeable and professional blogs. However, here I am accepting The Candler Lighters Award from another blogger whom I respect and find to be just as courageous as she has given me credit for being.
Thank You Rescuing Little L for thinking me a worthy recipient of such an honor, I have read so many blogs, how can one choose, for there are so many of us out there? Yet I accept this award but, I do so for ALL abused people whom are out there, silent, feeling they have no voice, ashamed, feeling alone and still to blame.
When I read that I had been chosen, I can not begin to express to you the joy I felt plus the acceptance for being me. ME... the person whom I have been running from for years, the pain I had tried to block out of my mind. The hurt and disgust for myself that I had hidden all these years. The lost LOVE!! This award will never take away the memories that have held me captive all these years, nor do I ever expect that they will ever leave. However I know that with God's help I will be able to overcome and possibly do even more...be a beacon of light to those who feel that they will always have to live all the days of their lives feeling soiled, used, and cast aside like a piece of garbage.
Let me encourage you ...no challenge you from this day forth to seize the world and all it has for you. Quit believing the lies that pulse through your brain and the depression that continues to try and grip your spirit! Let this day be a day of renewal for you as well as for me. Allow Jesus to renew your spirit as you pray and commune with Him daily. I try to remember scripture from the bible to help me through. Two that are always of comfort to me are the following:
Philippians 4:13> I can do ALL things through Christ who strenghtens me.
Romans 8:37> I am more than a conqueror through Christ who loves me.
I look forward to writing many more blogs. Not all of them will pertain to sexual issues, but I'm sure that because of my history, it will have some bearing on my opinions. I promise that to the best of my ability to always be honest and forthcoming with all that is in my heart. You see, I feel that there is not one person whom can move forward without acknowledging their own truths. For you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free, and once you are free, you will be free indeed!
Again many thanks to you Rescuing Little L...may God's blessing abound mightily for you and yours.
The Candle Lighters Award is an award for a post or blog that is positive and brings light into the world.
The Candle Lighters Award belongs to those who believe, who always survive the day and never stop dreaming, who do not quit but keep trying.
There are no rules
If a person wishes to accept it is done! You are also free to decline or ignore. A recipient can pass it on to as many nominees as they wish and as often as they wish.
If anyone would have told me that after only a few months of blogging that someone would find ME worthy of the recognition of an award, I would have thought it ridiculous. After all I have never been one to receive recognition for anything positive, at least not in a very long time. And definitely not someone like myself, who only has a High School education and can not compete with such knowledgeable and professional blogs. However, here I am accepting The Candler Lighters Award from another blogger whom I respect and find to be just as courageous as she has given me credit for being.
Thank You Rescuing Little L for thinking me a worthy recipient of such an honor, I have read so many blogs, how can one choose, for there are so many of us out there? Yet I accept this award but, I do so for ALL abused people whom are out there, silent, feeling they have no voice, ashamed, feeling alone and still to blame.
When I read that I had been chosen, I can not begin to express to you the joy I felt plus the acceptance for being me. ME... the person whom I have been running from for years, the pain I had tried to block out of my mind. The hurt and disgust for myself that I had hidden all these years. The lost LOVE!! This award will never take away the memories that have held me captive all these years, nor do I ever expect that they will ever leave. However I know that with God's help I will be able to overcome and possibly do even more...be a beacon of light to those who feel that they will always have to live all the days of their lives feeling soiled, used, and cast aside like a piece of garbage.
Let me encourage you ...no challenge you from this day forth to seize the world and all it has for you. Quit believing the lies that pulse through your brain and the depression that continues to try and grip your spirit! Let this day be a day of renewal for you as well as for me. Allow Jesus to renew your spirit as you pray and commune with Him daily. I try to remember scripture from the bible to help me through. Two that are always of comfort to me are the following:
Philippians 4:13> I can do ALL things through Christ who strenghtens me.
Romans 8:37> I am more than a conqueror through Christ who loves me.
I look forward to writing many more blogs. Not all of them will pertain to sexual issues, but I'm sure that because of my history, it will have some bearing on my opinions. I promise that to the best of my ability to always be honest and forthcoming with all that is in my heart. You see, I feel that there is not one person whom can move forward without acknowledging their own truths. For you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free, and once you are free, you will be free indeed!
Again many thanks to you Rescuing Little L...may God's blessing abound mightily for you and yours.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Poof, You're Gone But Not Forgotten
Where does one begin with this topic? I have sought God to help me with the words, I have asked God if I should even write these words! All I know is that all that has happened to me in my life has shaped and manipulated as well as corrupted my thinking process. Even as I write these blogs, I know that I haven't healed and may never heal completely, although God is trying to help bring me through this nightmare.
I have made awful choices in my life, destructive choices, choices that effected others, but at the time I didn't care. I wish I could tell you that during this time I didn't know Jesus Christ, that I hadn't accepted Him as my Lord and Savior, but that would be a lie. I was "born again" at the age of ten and yes it was real. I knew Him as my Savior, but I didn't know Him as my Father, Comforter, Healer, and certainly NOT as a Mighty Counselor.
Before I go any further God spoke this scripture to me so that I could feel a freedom to share this intense subject. Romans 8: 1 "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit". In the Webster dictionary, "condemnation" means, To find to be wrong; to show the guilt; to announce judgement upon; to officially declare unfit for use. Although I have asked for forgiveness and know the Lord has forgiven me, how can I forgive myself? I still struggle with condemnation!
I'd love to be able to justify my actions, but there is no justification for abortion!! Not only have I experienced it, but I've taken another to do so. I needed to call upon my Counselor, but at the time I didn't look upon Him like that, maybe my love for self kept me blinded. I would love to be able to play the blame game, but in all honesty there is NO ONE to blame but me, myself and I.
In the era I grew up in, people tried to justify these actions by saying as women we have a right to choose what goes on in our body, we still have many who think like that! I'm just curious to know that if these women would have ever had an abortion, would they still feel the same? Could they have gone on living with it day in and day out afterwards? There was another young girl at the time that was going to abort her baby at the same time with me, but her family found out and stopped her...thank God! I see that child and to this day wonder what if? How my heart aches for what I put my unborn baby through! Maybe I was a late in life inconvenience, but at least I had a chance at life. What chance did my child have and even more important, what would that child have become, what mark would he/she have made in this world? If at conception the baby is not alive, then why does it have to be killed? Because at conception it is a thriving, undeveloped human being and that's just the plain facts! The baby IS alive!! However, I got on an airplane at the age of fifteen, flew to New York and returned the same day...POOF...the baby was gone!! How convenient for ME! ME! ME! ME! It was all about ME!
Now, how do I justify this...in church they say justify means just as if it didn't happen... but it did! Everyday I think how, why, what if, what for and where do I go now? When I read about the right we as women are to have over our bodies, I always wonder, what about the right of the child? What about the right to peace of mind...because I was never counseled on how to live with this knowledge that I killed a baby. I harbor such grief and disdain for myself over this. The guilt I feel toward the girl I took to the abortion clinic still haunts me. It's like a cancer gnawing at my guts.
I've always read in scripture that king David had a heart towards God, a pure heart. Yet he saw Bathsheba (who was married) bathing and when he looked upon her he found her to be beautiful in his sight(he had lust for her). King David sent for her and slept with her. Later she tells him that she is pregnant. King David tried everything to get her husband to lay with his wife, even bringing him home from battle. However, Uriah was a honorable man, and because his friends/tribesmen were in battle, he felt it wrong to have comfort and chose to sleep at the door of the king's house, and when David realized that this man was going to be honorable and not sleep with Bathsheba, David sent him to the front lines knowing full well he would be killed. Therefore leaving Bathsheba to mourn her husband for awhile but then free to become David's wife. Which was displeasing to God. David knew this man would die, and sent him intentionally to the battle field so that he could get out of the mess he created with Bathsheba and be free to have this man's wife. After awhile David repented and was forgiven, but he intentionally murdered a man for his gain and yet God still forgave him. Why do I find it so hard to accept that God will do that for me?
I just don't think I should get off that easy, but that is what grace is all about. Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me, I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now I see. I'm so terribly sorry for my sins. Jesus says, if we confess our sins and turn away from them, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins. I'm sure some of you reading this understand exactly what I am going through, while others find what I have written irrelevant. For those of you who feel the anguish of knowing you killed a human being, I feel your pain. I have no answers, only to say that I too feel the guilt and can only leave you with this scripture...
Hebrews 13:5 >Let your character or moral disposition be free from the love of money---(including)greed, avarice, lust and craving for earthly possessions---and be satisfied with your present (circumstances and with what you have); for He (God) Himself has said, "I will not in any way fail you, nor give you up, nor leave you without support. (I will) not, (I will) not, (I will) not in any degree leave you helpless, nor forsake, nor let (you) down, nor (relax My hold on you). Assuredly not!"
God tells us over and over that He loves us and will not leave us nor forsake us. I know all to well that it seems to easy to be forgiven for such a sin. However, it is man who puts a degree on sin, for in God's sight, sin is sin with the exception of the unpardonable sin which is to deny Jesus Christ. My prayer for those of us whom have participated in this atrocity is that we find peace, love and an assurance of His forgiveness, loving kindness and His acceptance. May we find His saving grace!!
I have made awful choices in my life, destructive choices, choices that effected others, but at the time I didn't care. I wish I could tell you that during this time I didn't know Jesus Christ, that I hadn't accepted Him as my Lord and Savior, but that would be a lie. I was "born again" at the age of ten and yes it was real. I knew Him as my Savior, but I didn't know Him as my Father, Comforter, Healer, and certainly NOT as a Mighty Counselor.
Before I go any further God spoke this scripture to me so that I could feel a freedom to share this intense subject. Romans 8: 1 "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit". In the Webster dictionary, "condemnation" means, To find to be wrong; to show the guilt; to announce judgement upon; to officially declare unfit for use. Although I have asked for forgiveness and know the Lord has forgiven me, how can I forgive myself? I still struggle with condemnation!
I'd love to be able to justify my actions, but there is no justification for abortion!! Not only have I experienced it, but I've taken another to do so. I needed to call upon my Counselor, but at the time I didn't look upon Him like that, maybe my love for self kept me blinded. I would love to be able to play the blame game, but in all honesty there is NO ONE to blame but me, myself and I.
In the era I grew up in, people tried to justify these actions by saying as women we have a right to choose what goes on in our body, we still have many who think like that! I'm just curious to know that if these women would have ever had an abortion, would they still feel the same? Could they have gone on living with it day in and day out afterwards? There was another young girl at the time that was going to abort her baby at the same time with me, but her family found out and stopped her...thank God! I see that child and to this day wonder what if? How my heart aches for what I put my unborn baby through! Maybe I was a late in life inconvenience, but at least I had a chance at life. What chance did my child have and even more important, what would that child have become, what mark would he/she have made in this world? If at conception the baby is not alive, then why does it have to be killed? Because at conception it is a thriving, undeveloped human being and that's just the plain facts! The baby IS alive!! However, I got on an airplane at the age of fifteen, flew to New York and returned the same day...POOF...the baby was gone!! How convenient for ME! ME! ME! ME! It was all about ME!
Now, how do I justify this...in church they say justify means just as if it didn't happen... but it did! Everyday I think how, why, what if, what for and where do I go now? When I read about the right we as women are to have over our bodies, I always wonder, what about the right of the child? What about the right to peace of mind...because I was never counseled on how to live with this knowledge that I killed a baby. I harbor such grief and disdain for myself over this. The guilt I feel toward the girl I took to the abortion clinic still haunts me. It's like a cancer gnawing at my guts.
I've always read in scripture that king David had a heart towards God, a pure heart. Yet he saw Bathsheba (who was married) bathing and when he looked upon her he found her to be beautiful in his sight(he had lust for her). King David sent for her and slept with her. Later she tells him that she is pregnant. King David tried everything to get her husband to lay with his wife, even bringing him home from battle. However, Uriah was a honorable man, and because his friends/tribesmen were in battle, he felt it wrong to have comfort and chose to sleep at the door of the king's house, and when David realized that this man was going to be honorable and not sleep with Bathsheba, David sent him to the front lines knowing full well he would be killed. Therefore leaving Bathsheba to mourn her husband for awhile but then free to become David's wife. Which was displeasing to God. David knew this man would die, and sent him intentionally to the battle field so that he could get out of the mess he created with Bathsheba and be free to have this man's wife. After awhile David repented and was forgiven, but he intentionally murdered a man for his gain and yet God still forgave him. Why do I find it so hard to accept that God will do that for me?
I just don't think I should get off that easy, but that is what grace is all about. Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me, I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now I see. I'm so terribly sorry for my sins. Jesus says, if we confess our sins and turn away from them, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins. I'm sure some of you reading this understand exactly what I am going through, while others find what I have written irrelevant. For those of you who feel the anguish of knowing you killed a human being, I feel your pain. I have no answers, only to say that I too feel the guilt and can only leave you with this scripture...
Hebrews 13:5 >Let your character or moral disposition be free from the love of money---(including)greed, avarice, lust and craving for earthly possessions---and be satisfied with your present (circumstances and with what you have); for He (God) Himself has said, "I will not in any way fail you, nor give you up, nor leave you without support. (I will) not, (I will) not, (I will) not in any degree leave you helpless, nor forsake, nor let (you) down, nor (relax My hold on you). Assuredly not!"
God tells us over and over that He loves us and will not leave us nor forsake us. I know all to well that it seems to easy to be forgiven for such a sin. However, it is man who puts a degree on sin, for in God's sight, sin is sin with the exception of the unpardonable sin which is to deny Jesus Christ. My prayer for those of us whom have participated in this atrocity is that we find peace, love and an assurance of His forgiveness, loving kindness and His acceptance. May we find His saving grace!!
Friday, February 17, 2012
Crying In The Dark
I have prayed for direction on how to write this blog, for I need guidance on how to word this as to not bring hurt to anyone. You see I am happily married now to a wonderful man and in no way is this meant to cause him to doubt my love for him, for I truly feel God sent him to me and I love him.
Doctors say that when you are a child, your brain is still in the process of growing and so your thought process, your ability for reasoning is undeveloped. So I humbly ask you to please keep this in mind as I share what I consider my first rejection of love from a boy friend. The reason that I feel this important to share, is to show yet another way sexual abuse can warp your mind. I have struggled far too long with trust issues and am only now beginning to fully understand why my life went so wrong back in my younger years.
As most of us did, we have gone through a first love. For those whom have been following my blogs, you may remember me asking the question, could I ever love or trust anyone? Well, after my experiences with the abuse I endured, I thought I had found someone that I could trust and love. We had a special relationship, full of laughter, special moments together, dancing, talking and sharing our problems. Yes, I thought it was love but most of all I had found a "male" whom I thought was my best friend. Did I tell him about my abuse? No, because I was a shamed of what he would think of me, but we share everything else.
He was wonderful boy. Not only was he good looking, but he was kind, and fun and very caring. His life wasn't all roses and he was a hard worker. He had a paper route and mowed grass, he was far from lazy and he treated me like I was special. I received wonderful gifts from him, for the first time in my life he made Valentines Day, Birthdays and Christmas very special. One gift I have to this day. He played basketball and I was a cheerleader, mainly his cheerleader. I adored the ground he walked on and felt the feeling was mutual. I had fully believed in our relationship and in my innocence truly believed that someday we would be married. That's how devoted to him I was. I thought I'd finally found someone who truly loved me for me and as far as I felt, the very gates of hell wouldn't prevail against our love. I had him high on a pedestal believing that our love was that "pure" love I had longed for. You see I sought purity so desperately!! I wanted to feel pure!
One day HELL came knocking at my door, because he had been advised to break up with me and experience the world. This took me from the highest mountain top to the deaths of despair. My life was shattered! Now most of you have gone through this in your life time and bounced right back, however for someone who has gone through the kinds of abuse that I had endured, it took me to a whole different level. For the first time in my life, I no longer cared about my friends, most of them wanted my boy friend anyway, and to be perfectly frank, I couldn't hang in the circle of friends we both had because I couldn't stand to watch him with other girls. After awhile he decided he wanted to try again, but by that time I had heard some much, that this "pure" love I had held so close to my heart I now thought was gone. For ME the "PURENESS" had been taken from me. I had been told he had given himself to someone else! So I rebelled, I made a new circle of friends and was determined to never let anyone hurt me again...on the contrary...I would be the one who would do the hurting. And I hurt many people!
During that time I think I tried every drug that was out there with the exception of heroin (I was too scared of needles) or else I probably would have. Back then we didn't have crack cocaine or methylene to my knowledge...thank God! I was promiscuous, after all why not, I had been used and abused and it was time for me to be the abuser. I had no respect for myself much less anyone else, and frankly I didn't give a damn. I was on a path of destruction and looking back on it now, I think I wanted to self destruct. I was miserable with myself, I couldn't let go of the past and deep down inside I wanted so much to return to my first love. By that time he had a girl friend and naturally I knew he would never want me now...not now!!
So I went on with my life, drinking, drugging and giving myself to whomever I felt like. I realize now I was just trying to mask the pain of abuse, abandonment, and rejection. I had good men come and go in my life, but I wouldn't have recognized it for I felt so hurt and betrayed, so damaged. I can't tell you the number of times I cried myself to sleep during those dark ages. I did finally marry and had three beautiful daughters and guarded them with my life, until my marriage fell apart. I place no blame on anyone for it was my own dissatisfaction that was the demise of my marriage. However that's a whole other subject altogether.
You see even though I wasn't being abused by anyone anymore, I had become my own abuser. It was like a person who liked cutting themselves, they do it because the pain they feel is so great inside that they have to release it through self mutilation. I was determined to sabotage my life because I felt unworthy to have a fulfilling, wonderful life. I eventually left the hard drugs alone, but continued with the drinking, marijuana and promiscuous behavior. It is only by the grace of God that I am able to write these words down and share my experiences with you. I was on a path of life long unhappiness and if it were not for God sending my husband into my life, who knows what would have happened to me!
Are you out there in this world, wondering in the darkness, feeling depressed, unwanted, unworthy? Do you feel like trash and allow men/women to soil you, or even deluding yourself into thinking that you are the one trashing the man/woman? Are you allowing drugs and alcohol to dull your senses just so you can make it through another day? Is pain, anxiety, the feeling of suffocating getting to be to much? Do you feel like death is better than living? Well, I've been there, felt that, and have even came close to accomplishing death...except there was one BIG reason that kept me from it...my belief in GOD. JESUS said He would never leave us nor forsake us.
I know that Jesus never caused these terrible things to happen to me, nor did my boy friend intentionally try to hurt me . After all, we were young and suppose to explore life. Why these things happened to me, I will never know. I only know that they did and now I have to decide what I am going to do about it? Am I going to let it continue to defeat me or am I going to overcome it? It's my choice as it is yours. I have chose to overcome as I hope you will also. I encourage you to put your trust in the Lord with your whole heart. As we continue on this journey allow Jesus to be your peace, Ephesians 2:14.
Proverbs 3:5,6 Lean on, trust and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him,and He shall direct and make straight and plain your paths.
I truly feel God has had me write these experiences to not only help set me free, but for YOU who is out there crying in the dark! Won't you please trust me and respond to me in a comment? Together with the help of our Heavenly Father we can get through this together. What? You say you don't believe in God? Then let us work together to overcome your pain through sharing our experiences together. You can remain anonymous, just take that step of exposing the shame, a shame that you shouldn't carry any longer. For it's not your fault. You can only changed what you are willing to acknowledge. I promise you... it will be the start of reclaiming your life!
Doctors say that when you are a child, your brain is still in the process of growing and so your thought process, your ability for reasoning is undeveloped. So I humbly ask you to please keep this in mind as I share what I consider my first rejection of love from a boy friend. The reason that I feel this important to share, is to show yet another way sexual abuse can warp your mind. I have struggled far too long with trust issues and am only now beginning to fully understand why my life went so wrong back in my younger years.
As most of us did, we have gone through a first love. For those whom have been following my blogs, you may remember me asking the question, could I ever love or trust anyone? Well, after my experiences with the abuse I endured, I thought I had found someone that I could trust and love. We had a special relationship, full of laughter, special moments together, dancing, talking and sharing our problems. Yes, I thought it was love but most of all I had found a "male" whom I thought was my best friend. Did I tell him about my abuse? No, because I was a shamed of what he would think of me, but we share everything else.
He was wonderful boy. Not only was he good looking, but he was kind, and fun and very caring. His life wasn't all roses and he was a hard worker. He had a paper route and mowed grass, he was far from lazy and he treated me like I was special. I received wonderful gifts from him, for the first time in my life he made Valentines Day, Birthdays and Christmas very special. One gift I have to this day. He played basketball and I was a cheerleader, mainly his cheerleader. I adored the ground he walked on and felt the feeling was mutual. I had fully believed in our relationship and in my innocence truly believed that someday we would be married. That's how devoted to him I was. I thought I'd finally found someone who truly loved me for me and as far as I felt, the very gates of hell wouldn't prevail against our love. I had him high on a pedestal believing that our love was that "pure" love I had longed for. You see I sought purity so desperately!! I wanted to feel pure!
One day HELL came knocking at my door, because he had been advised to break up with me and experience the world. This took me from the highest mountain top to the deaths of despair. My life was shattered! Now most of you have gone through this in your life time and bounced right back, however for someone who has gone through the kinds of abuse that I had endured, it took me to a whole different level. For the first time in my life, I no longer cared about my friends, most of them wanted my boy friend anyway, and to be perfectly frank, I couldn't hang in the circle of friends we both had because I couldn't stand to watch him with other girls. After awhile he decided he wanted to try again, but by that time I had heard some much, that this "pure" love I had held so close to my heart I now thought was gone. For ME the "PURENESS" had been taken from me. I had been told he had given himself to someone else! So I rebelled, I made a new circle of friends and was determined to never let anyone hurt me again...on the contrary...I would be the one who would do the hurting. And I hurt many people!
During that time I think I tried every drug that was out there with the exception of heroin (I was too scared of needles) or else I probably would have. Back then we didn't have crack cocaine or methylene to my knowledge...thank God! I was promiscuous, after all why not, I had been used and abused and it was time for me to be the abuser. I had no respect for myself much less anyone else, and frankly I didn't give a damn. I was on a path of destruction and looking back on it now, I think I wanted to self destruct. I was miserable with myself, I couldn't let go of the past and deep down inside I wanted so much to return to my first love. By that time he had a girl friend and naturally I knew he would never want me now...not now!!
So I went on with my life, drinking, drugging and giving myself to whomever I felt like. I realize now I was just trying to mask the pain of abuse, abandonment, and rejection. I had good men come and go in my life, but I wouldn't have recognized it for I felt so hurt and betrayed, so damaged. I can't tell you the number of times I cried myself to sleep during those dark ages. I did finally marry and had three beautiful daughters and guarded them with my life, until my marriage fell apart. I place no blame on anyone for it was my own dissatisfaction that was the demise of my marriage. However that's a whole other subject altogether.
You see even though I wasn't being abused by anyone anymore, I had become my own abuser. It was like a person who liked cutting themselves, they do it because the pain they feel is so great inside that they have to release it through self mutilation. I was determined to sabotage my life because I felt unworthy to have a fulfilling, wonderful life. I eventually left the hard drugs alone, but continued with the drinking, marijuana and promiscuous behavior. It is only by the grace of God that I am able to write these words down and share my experiences with you. I was on a path of life long unhappiness and if it were not for God sending my husband into my life, who knows what would have happened to me!
Are you out there in this world, wondering in the darkness, feeling depressed, unwanted, unworthy? Do you feel like trash and allow men/women to soil you, or even deluding yourself into thinking that you are the one trashing the man/woman? Are you allowing drugs and alcohol to dull your senses just so you can make it through another day? Is pain, anxiety, the feeling of suffocating getting to be to much? Do you feel like death is better than living? Well, I've been there, felt that, and have even came close to accomplishing death...except there was one BIG reason that kept me from it...my belief in GOD. JESUS said He would never leave us nor forsake us.
I know that Jesus never caused these terrible things to happen to me, nor did my boy friend intentionally try to hurt me . After all, we were young and suppose to explore life. Why these things happened to me, I will never know. I only know that they did and now I have to decide what I am going to do about it? Am I going to let it continue to defeat me or am I going to overcome it? It's my choice as it is yours. I have chose to overcome as I hope you will also. I encourage you to put your trust in the Lord with your whole heart. As we continue on this journey allow Jesus to be your peace, Ephesians 2:14.
Proverbs 3:5,6 Lean on, trust and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him,and He shall direct and make straight and plain your paths.
I truly feel God has had me write these experiences to not only help set me free, but for YOU who is out there crying in the dark! Won't you please trust me and respond to me in a comment? Together with the help of our Heavenly Father we can get through this together. What? You say you don't believe in God? Then let us work together to overcome your pain through sharing our experiences together. You can remain anonymous, just take that step of exposing the shame, a shame that you shouldn't carry any longer. For it's not your fault. You can only changed what you are willing to acknowledge. I promise you... it will be the start of reclaiming your life!
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
I Am Depleted
As I have revealed these horrific life changing events in my life, I have found that it has left me depleted. People have commented that I am strong...I am not! They say I have guts...it's a ruse. You see I'm neither strong or gutsy, I am a survivor! A survivor trying to climb out of the depth of despair. Trying to make sense of this legacy that has kept me from being completely set free. When a person thinks of the word legacy what comes to mind is personal property, money or valuables handed down from an ancestor, something to be proud of. However all I think about is an earlier era in time, that all to often comes creeping back into my mind. This is not the legacy I want to hand down to my children. So with the Lords help and guidance may the memories that have held me captive in the recess' of my mind eventually become one of triumph!
Lately I have found myself surrounded by news of sexual abuse. It's alarming how much of it goes on, but what is most alarming is how others choose to ignore it. What the hell is wrong with the human race? Have we become so disinterested in others that we turn a blind eye when we notice something that is just plain wrong? Are we so desensitized that we just don't care? We not only have strangers, but ministers, teachers, counselors and yes, even parents in the grips of a depraved mind. People hurting people, adults hurting children while others watch and do nothing. Oh, they may report it, but do they follow through? Sadly the answer is usually not!
Do any of you have any idea of what a child/person goes through when they have been assaulted? You can never get back your innocence, the feeling of safety, the peaceful sleep much less peace of mind. Your wholesomeness is gone not to mention your trust. You try to push it to the back of your mind in the hopes that it will quietly go away, but it's always there. All it takes is a news story, a smell, a forlorn look on a child/person face that is so identifiable because you been there, you know it, you feel it, you lived it!
There are so many people crying inside, hurting to their very core. Wounds that are still so fresh, yet the abuse happened years ago. People whom are still ashamed to come forward, either for fear of rebuke from family members or fear from the rebuke of society. We have nothing to be ashamed of. YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. You were unwilling participants that were brain washed into thinking you were willing. Lies, all lies that have held us captive for far too long. We've been held in the bondage of our abusers long enough. Is there hope for us? Can we break the shackles that hold us down?
I believe we can be loosened from these shackles of bondage. It doesn't happen over night and it certainly is a process, but it can be done. I'm not going to tell you that those experiences will leave your memory, but it can be tolerated and even livable. It takes time and a willing heart, but most of all it takes God to help you through this process.
By now those of you who have been reading my blogs know I am a Christian, a believer in Jesus Christ. If you truly seek Him, He will come to you. And YOU whom have just read this and don't believe there is a God. What's it going to hurt to just open your mind to the possibility for just a few minutes or even a few days and ask Him to reveal Himself to you. If you remain TRULY OPEN He will not disappoint you. After all if you truly believe there is no such thing as God, then what do you have to lose? Just go to your bible or if you do not have one borrow one and look up these scriptures.
St.Matthew: Chapter 7 verse 7 and 8 [Ask and it shall be given you; seek and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asks receives; and he that seeks finds and to him that knocks it shall be opened].
Then once you have received Jesus go to the book of St.John: Chapter 8 verse 32 [And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free] and verse 36 of the same chapter [If the Son (Jesus) therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed].
Jesus also teaches in St. Luke Chapter 4 verse 18 [The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he has sent me to heal the broken-hearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised].
St. John 3:16 [for God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that who so ever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life].
I encourage you to comment, I would love to read your thoughts.
Lately I have found myself surrounded by news of sexual abuse. It's alarming how much of it goes on, but what is most alarming is how others choose to ignore it. What the hell is wrong with the human race? Have we become so disinterested in others that we turn a blind eye when we notice something that is just plain wrong? Are we so desensitized that we just don't care? We not only have strangers, but ministers, teachers, counselors and yes, even parents in the grips of a depraved mind. People hurting people, adults hurting children while others watch and do nothing. Oh, they may report it, but do they follow through? Sadly the answer is usually not!
Do any of you have any idea of what a child/person goes through when they have been assaulted? You can never get back your innocence, the feeling of safety, the peaceful sleep much less peace of mind. Your wholesomeness is gone not to mention your trust. You try to push it to the back of your mind in the hopes that it will quietly go away, but it's always there. All it takes is a news story, a smell, a forlorn look on a child/person face that is so identifiable because you been there, you know it, you feel it, you lived it!
There are so many people crying inside, hurting to their very core. Wounds that are still so fresh, yet the abuse happened years ago. People whom are still ashamed to come forward, either for fear of rebuke from family members or fear from the rebuke of society. We have nothing to be ashamed of. YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. You were unwilling participants that were brain washed into thinking you were willing. Lies, all lies that have held us captive for far too long. We've been held in the bondage of our abusers long enough. Is there hope for us? Can we break the shackles that hold us down?
I believe we can be loosened from these shackles of bondage. It doesn't happen over night and it certainly is a process, but it can be done. I'm not going to tell you that those experiences will leave your memory, but it can be tolerated and even livable. It takes time and a willing heart, but most of all it takes God to help you through this process.
By now those of you who have been reading my blogs know I am a Christian, a believer in Jesus Christ. If you truly seek Him, He will come to you. And YOU whom have just read this and don't believe there is a God. What's it going to hurt to just open your mind to the possibility for just a few minutes or even a few days and ask Him to reveal Himself to you. If you remain TRULY OPEN He will not disappoint you. After all if you truly believe there is no such thing as God, then what do you have to lose? Just go to your bible or if you do not have one borrow one and look up these scriptures.
St.Matthew: Chapter 7 verse 7 and 8 [Ask and it shall be given you; seek and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asks receives; and he that seeks finds and to him that knocks it shall be opened].
Then once you have received Jesus go to the book of St.John: Chapter 8 verse 32 [And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free] and verse 36 of the same chapter [If the Son (Jesus) therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed].
Jesus also teaches in St. Luke Chapter 4 verse 18 [The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he has sent me to heal the broken-hearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised].
St. John 3:16 [for God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that who so ever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life].
I encourage you to comment, I would love to read your thoughts.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
VICTORIOUS!!
As I'm walking home from school on Friday, I'm wondering what my new and "third" babysitter would be like. As I got into the car to drive to her home, I had no idea what the weekend would hold. By now I'm nine years old. My babysitter has two young children and a husband. I remember my mom driving away as I sighed and walked around the neighborhood scoping things out. There were plenty of kids, and a playground with swings, a merry-go-round and jungle gym. I thought to myself, "that's pretty cool". It didn't take me long to make friends and from this day "two girls"still remain my friends. I have to admit, at first it wasn't so bad. I enjoyed going there on the weekends and for the first time, I wasn't being sexually abused.
I was there about a month when I experienced my babysitter being physically abuse. The husband of my babysitter would go out drinking and come home mad at the world. He was a small guy and had a chip on his shoulder. I've heard it called a small mans complex causing the need to compensate by acting strong towards those smaller than him. Men at the bar would say things to him that would upset him and since he was of small stature he didn't dare try to fight them, instead he would come home and take it out on my babysitter. I've seen such terrible things and have actually feared for my life. I watched this man pull rollers out of this woman's head, try to drown her , throw beer cans at her legs until they bled, slapped her and at the end, held us all hostage with a knife, saying that if the police came he would kill us all, us meaning his children as well as me.
You are probably asking yourself why I never told. First of all my babysitter would plead with me not to and second I wasn't being sexually abused so therefore I felt this was better than what I had endured in the past. But the knife was the straw that broke the camels back, even for my babysitter. And for the first time she was ready to leave and I was free to tell and that I did! I even had to testify at her divorce hearing as to what I had observed. Needless to say, the divorce was granted. And I began to think we were finally safe.
However with the divorce came a different life style for my babysitter. She was wanting to go out more and at times would leave us with a neighbor boy to watch us while she went out. He was in High School and I knew him, he had been around and seemed nice. I was allowed to stay up later than her children since I was older, but also because this kept my mouth shut. One night it was getting late and I was laying on the couch watching television and he approached me and tried to touch me. I was older and wiser and this was NOT going to happen to me again. I refused and stood my ground for the very first time in my life!! Of course this made him mad and he chocked me, but I didn't care, he could KILL me, but he wasn't going to touch me! No one was, not ever again, not without my permission and he didn't!
The next day I told my babysitter as well as my mother what had happened. Of course he denied it, and the sad thing is, everyone believed him, but he was never to watch us again and he never tried to touch me after that! I had won, I may have been kidded about my "exaggeration" that he would even be interested in such a young girl, but I didn't care, for I had WON! For the first time I was VICTORIOUS!!
If a child ever comes to you and says they have been touched in an uncomfortable way, NEVER dismiss them. Always investigate and NEVER make then feel unvalidated. You have no idea how much courage it took for them to reveal the hurt, shame and guilt that they have endured. You have no idea how scared they are of what you might think of them! If they are brave enough to come to you, DO NOT make them feel unworthy or abandoned. Do not brush them off...you may be their only hope of refuge!! And by all means, if you ever suspect a child is being abused, don't ignore the signs, talk to the child, if he/she denies it then watch. If you find that you may be right...report it, it's far better to error on the side of caution then to find out later that you were right but did nothing about it.
I'm happy to say that FINALLY my mother decided to quit working on the weekends, but by that time I was almost able to stay on my own. I had lived through sexual and physical abuse and by this time I had built up a thick skin, a hardness, but at the same time I was still that little girl, crying inside, insecure, with feelings of abandonment, loneliness, shame and guilt. Would I ever be able to feel safe, to trust anyone, to love anyone? Would I ever be able to get the imagines out of my mind? I was damaged goods, but hid it well. I had become a master deceiver, and had a hard heart, but my extrovert personality compensated for all of that and had helped me to keep my secret well hid...until now!
2 Corinthians 3:5 [My power and ability and sufficiency are from God. Greater is He that is in me that he that is in the world].
I was there about a month when I experienced my babysitter being physically abuse. The husband of my babysitter would go out drinking and come home mad at the world. He was a small guy and had a chip on his shoulder. I've heard it called a small mans complex causing the need to compensate by acting strong towards those smaller than him. Men at the bar would say things to him that would upset him and since he was of small stature he didn't dare try to fight them, instead he would come home and take it out on my babysitter. I've seen such terrible things and have actually feared for my life. I watched this man pull rollers out of this woman's head, try to drown her , throw beer cans at her legs until they bled, slapped her and at the end, held us all hostage with a knife, saying that if the police came he would kill us all, us meaning his children as well as me.
You are probably asking yourself why I never told. First of all my babysitter would plead with me not to and second I wasn't being sexually abused so therefore I felt this was better than what I had endured in the past. But the knife was the straw that broke the camels back, even for my babysitter. And for the first time she was ready to leave and I was free to tell and that I did! I even had to testify at her divorce hearing as to what I had observed. Needless to say, the divorce was granted. And I began to think we were finally safe.
However with the divorce came a different life style for my babysitter. She was wanting to go out more and at times would leave us with a neighbor boy to watch us while she went out. He was in High School and I knew him, he had been around and seemed nice. I was allowed to stay up later than her children since I was older, but also because this kept my mouth shut. One night it was getting late and I was laying on the couch watching television and he approached me and tried to touch me. I was older and wiser and this was NOT going to happen to me again. I refused and stood my ground for the very first time in my life!! Of course this made him mad and he chocked me, but I didn't care, he could KILL me, but he wasn't going to touch me! No one was, not ever again, not without my permission and he didn't!
The next day I told my babysitter as well as my mother what had happened. Of course he denied it, and the sad thing is, everyone believed him, but he was never to watch us again and he never tried to touch me after that! I had won, I may have been kidded about my "exaggeration" that he would even be interested in such a young girl, but I didn't care, for I had WON! For the first time I was VICTORIOUS!!
If a child ever comes to you and says they have been touched in an uncomfortable way, NEVER dismiss them. Always investigate and NEVER make then feel unvalidated. You have no idea how much courage it took for them to reveal the hurt, shame and guilt that they have endured. You have no idea how scared they are of what you might think of them! If they are brave enough to come to you, DO NOT make them feel unworthy or abandoned. Do not brush them off...you may be their only hope of refuge!! And by all means, if you ever suspect a child is being abused, don't ignore the signs, talk to the child, if he/she denies it then watch. If you find that you may be right...report it, it's far better to error on the side of caution then to find out later that you were right but did nothing about it.
I'm happy to say that FINALLY my mother decided to quit working on the weekends, but by that time I was almost able to stay on my own. I had lived through sexual and physical abuse and by this time I had built up a thick skin, a hardness, but at the same time I was still that little girl, crying inside, insecure, with feelings of abandonment, loneliness, shame and guilt. Would I ever be able to feel safe, to trust anyone, to love anyone? Would I ever be able to get the imagines out of my mind? I was damaged goods, but hid it well. I had become a master deceiver, and had a hard heart, but my extrovert personality compensated for all of that and had helped me to keep my secret well hid...until now!
2 Corinthians 3:5 [My power and ability and sufficiency are from God. Greater is He that is in me that he that is in the world].
Monday, January 30, 2012
I'm A Puppet On A String
It's a known fact that sharks smell blood in the water and swim straight to it. Just when I thought it was safe to feel freedom, the shark must have smelled blood because another abuser came into my life. As I go back into my mind that's what I see, a shark swimming around me, her fin sticking out of the water getting closer and closer until the attack! Yes, I said she remember a molester does not have to be a male. I knew freedom for about three years and then a new babysitter came into my life.
As usual my parents worked weekends and the lady who had taken care of me had become ill and wasn't able to watch me any longer. My hope was that my mom would stop working weekends and stay home, but that wasn't happening and now I had a new babysitter. At first like most abusers she was nice, letting me watch programs I liked and giving me freedom to play with kids when they were around. I actually thought she was cool. She was in her senior year of High School and would watch me after school until my mom came home and then always on the weekends. However, she liked the boys, mostly "hoods" that's what rebellious kids were called back in my day.
On the weekends I would have to stay with her Friday night, Saturday night, and all day Sunday. I also had to sleep in the same bed with her, I hated that and I never understood why since there was another bedroom. However, that was the rule and therefore I obeyed. In her house was a basement and in one corner of the basement was an area that had a curtain around it with a mattress on the floor. I always thought it was strange but never really gave it that much thought. I liked going in the basement, we played music, danced and sang, those were fun times. One day the fun stopped and again the HELL began.
"Come over here Debbie and give me a message, my back hurts" she said. I was always giving my big brother messages so I thought nothing of it. Then she told me to start rubbing her in personal spots and I said NO. She told me that if I didn't do as she said she would tell my mom I was bad then I would be grounded from playing with the kids after school and would have to stay in her house all the time. She became mean and the look in her eyes scared me, so although I hated it, I touched her where ever she told me to. It started to happen more often, and at times would occur in my parents own bed. OH, how I hated the control she had over me. I was her puppet and she was pulling the strings, this went on for one long year.
I can remember sitting and watching Lassie on Sunday evenings and when Lassie would put her paw up at the end of the show, silent tears would fall down my face. Partly because I wished that Lassie could save me, and also because I knew my mom would be coming to get me soon. My babysitter would laugh at me and call me a baby. To this day when I watch an old episode of Lassie, the memories come flooding back.
Silly me, I thought I was safe when I heard a girl was going to watch me. That's when I learned that gender plays no part in sexual abuse. It matters not whether you are the victim or the abuser, gender has no boundries. I would wonder what I had done that was so wrong for my life to be so ugly and dark!
As my babysitter was getting ready for graduation, I was informed that she wouldn't be watching me any longer. Hallelujah, I was excited. My abuser was going to be gone and maybe just maybe my mom would be staying home with me. But that was not to be, for yet again I was on my way to a new sitter. What awaited me, I didn't know. I had learned not to be excited about anything anymore, and was so broken inside that whatever was going to happen to me was my own HELL to deal with.
I begged my mom to stay home with me, but she said she needed to work. My parents owned two taverns at that time and she was responsibile for one, or so she said. You know my mother was raised in church, but while she was working she didn't go so neither did I. Oh, I was told about God and sang the songs such as "Jesus Loves the Little Children" and every now and then my older sister would take me to church. I loved the feeling I had when I went to church, I felt so clean afterwards. When I would hear teaching where Jesus said "suffer the little children to come unto me", I always thought it meant the children who were suffering and in my young mind I wondered why Jesus didn't come to me. He was there, I know that now, but my parents were more involved with making money. I just wish they had read the word in Proverbs 28:20 [A faithful man shall abound with blessings: but he that maketh haste to be rich shall not be innocent].
I can't help but feel they had a hand in my abuse by not being there, by not caring when I cried and begged them not to leave me. I'm sure now that if I would have just told them what was happening, they would have put a stop to it. However, I'm not so sure if my mom would have stopped working or just found me another babysitter. Silence is an abusers best friend. I had many babysitters in my young life, not all of them sexually abused me, but some were cruel and one put me through a different HELL. I'll have to leave that story for another time, for I'm too weary to share it now this story has left me depleted.
However, I must tell you I am feeling lighter as I reclaim my life. I leave you with this verse that is a promise I stand on from Philippians 1:6 [I am sure that God who began the good work in you will keep on helping you grow in His grace until His task within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns].
As usual my parents worked weekends and the lady who had taken care of me had become ill and wasn't able to watch me any longer. My hope was that my mom would stop working weekends and stay home, but that wasn't happening and now I had a new babysitter. At first like most abusers she was nice, letting me watch programs I liked and giving me freedom to play with kids when they were around. I actually thought she was cool. She was in her senior year of High School and would watch me after school until my mom came home and then always on the weekends. However, she liked the boys, mostly "hoods" that's what rebellious kids were called back in my day.
On the weekends I would have to stay with her Friday night, Saturday night, and all day Sunday. I also had to sleep in the same bed with her, I hated that and I never understood why since there was another bedroom. However, that was the rule and therefore I obeyed. In her house was a basement and in one corner of the basement was an area that had a curtain around it with a mattress on the floor. I always thought it was strange but never really gave it that much thought. I liked going in the basement, we played music, danced and sang, those were fun times. One day the fun stopped and again the HELL began.
"Come over here Debbie and give me a message, my back hurts" she said. I was always giving my big brother messages so I thought nothing of it. Then she told me to start rubbing her in personal spots and I said NO. She told me that if I didn't do as she said she would tell my mom I was bad then I would be grounded from playing with the kids after school and would have to stay in her house all the time. She became mean and the look in her eyes scared me, so although I hated it, I touched her where ever she told me to. It started to happen more often, and at times would occur in my parents own bed. OH, how I hated the control she had over me. I was her puppet and she was pulling the strings, this went on for one long year.
I can remember sitting and watching Lassie on Sunday evenings and when Lassie would put her paw up at the end of the show, silent tears would fall down my face. Partly because I wished that Lassie could save me, and also because I knew my mom would be coming to get me soon. My babysitter would laugh at me and call me a baby. To this day when I watch an old episode of Lassie, the memories come flooding back.
Silly me, I thought I was safe when I heard a girl was going to watch me. That's when I learned that gender plays no part in sexual abuse. It matters not whether you are the victim or the abuser, gender has no boundries. I would wonder what I had done that was so wrong for my life to be so ugly and dark!
As my babysitter was getting ready for graduation, I was informed that she wouldn't be watching me any longer. Hallelujah, I was excited. My abuser was going to be gone and maybe just maybe my mom would be staying home with me. But that was not to be, for yet again I was on my way to a new sitter. What awaited me, I didn't know. I had learned not to be excited about anything anymore, and was so broken inside that whatever was going to happen to me was my own HELL to deal with.
I begged my mom to stay home with me, but she said she needed to work. My parents owned two taverns at that time and she was responsibile for one, or so she said. You know my mother was raised in church, but while she was working she didn't go so neither did I. Oh, I was told about God and sang the songs such as "Jesus Loves the Little Children" and every now and then my older sister would take me to church. I loved the feeling I had when I went to church, I felt so clean afterwards. When I would hear teaching where Jesus said "suffer the little children to come unto me", I always thought it meant the children who were suffering and in my young mind I wondered why Jesus didn't come to me. He was there, I know that now, but my parents were more involved with making money. I just wish they had read the word in Proverbs 28:20 [A faithful man shall abound with blessings: but he that maketh haste to be rich shall not be innocent].
I can't help but feel they had a hand in my abuse by not being there, by not caring when I cried and begged them not to leave me. I'm sure now that if I would have just told them what was happening, they would have put a stop to it. However, I'm not so sure if my mom would have stopped working or just found me another babysitter. Silence is an abusers best friend. I had many babysitters in my young life, not all of them sexually abused me, but some were cruel and one put me through a different HELL. I'll have to leave that story for another time, for I'm too weary to share it now this story has left me depleted.
However, I must tell you I am feeling lighter as I reclaim my life. I leave you with this verse that is a promise I stand on from Philippians 1:6 [I am sure that God who began the good work in you will keep on helping you grow in His grace until His task within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns].
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
It's Hard To Forgive Lord
It's sad to say, but I have to be truthful, I was relieved when my abuser died. Thinking about it over the past few days I have wondered, did he ever know Jesus? Was he in a bondage of hell of his own? Had he also come from a life of abuse? Over the years I have read and listened to people say that most abuser are victims of abuse themselves. This may sound strange coming from me, but I hope in my abuser last breath he cried out for forgiveness and his soul was saved.
When ask how many times a person should forgive, I always refer to Matthew 18:21 & 22 [Then came Peter to Him, (Jesus) and said, Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him, seven times? Jesus said unto him, I say unto thee, not seven times: but seventy times seven] That's a lot of forgiveness. And in all honesty it has been hard to forgive this man, yet how can I expect Jesus to forgive me, if I'm not willing to forgive him, no matter how awful the sin and how traumatic the experience was for me. How can I truly be set free, unless I am willing to free myself from this anger and hatred.
As I continue this journey, of reclaiming my life, there will be many times that I will have to ponder this question. In the Webster Dictionary the definition of forgive which is a verb, (a verb is an action word) means To pardon; to give up resentment of; to cease to feel resentment against. That's a hard pill to swallow, especially when it has altered ones life. Yet I must take action to do so, this I know.
To every action there is a reaction, and as you will read in later blogs to come, my actions have cause reactions that I am not proud of and has also caused me much pain because of my poor decisions concerning relationships. I have lost a lot in my life and have endured more abuse and have felt severe rejection, but I will write about that another time.
My purpose for writing this particular blog, is to reveal that forgiveness is the key to beginning a normal life. And I know that all abused victims desire a normalcy, we strive to feel whole, complete, to feel that we are without blemish. I truly feel through this journey those who continue to follow my blog that we will find our final destination without spot or blemish.
However, in order to accomplish this we must strive to begin to heal through forgiveness. God's word states in Ephesians 4:31 & 32 [Let all bitterness and wrath, anger, clamour and evil speaking, be put away from you with all malice. And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you.]
I realize that this will be difficult to do, some may say impossible. Therefore instead of saying I can or will do this, let's just begin to try and to say to the Lord "make me willing to be willing". You see, I say I forgive, but then I find myself fighting these awful feeling again. That's right, at times I'm right back where I started from, but I am willing to be made willing to forgive, in Jesus Name, Amen.
When ask how many times a person should forgive, I always refer to Matthew 18:21 & 22 [Then came Peter to Him, (Jesus) and said, Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him, seven times? Jesus said unto him, I say unto thee, not seven times: but seventy times seven] That's a lot of forgiveness. And in all honesty it has been hard to forgive this man, yet how can I expect Jesus to forgive me, if I'm not willing to forgive him, no matter how awful the sin and how traumatic the experience was for me. How can I truly be set free, unless I am willing to free myself from this anger and hatred.
As I continue this journey, of reclaiming my life, there will be many times that I will have to ponder this question. In the Webster Dictionary the definition of forgive which is a verb, (a verb is an action word) means To pardon; to give up resentment of; to cease to feel resentment against. That's a hard pill to swallow, especially when it has altered ones life. Yet I must take action to do so, this I know.
To every action there is a reaction, and as you will read in later blogs to come, my actions have cause reactions that I am not proud of and has also caused me much pain because of my poor decisions concerning relationships. I have lost a lot in my life and have endured more abuse and have felt severe rejection, but I will write about that another time.
My purpose for writing this particular blog, is to reveal that forgiveness is the key to beginning a normal life. And I know that all abused victims desire a normalcy, we strive to feel whole, complete, to feel that we are without blemish. I truly feel through this journey those who continue to follow my blog that we will find our final destination without spot or blemish.
However, in order to accomplish this we must strive to begin to heal through forgiveness. God's word states in Ephesians 4:31 & 32 [Let all bitterness and wrath, anger, clamour and evil speaking, be put away from you with all malice. And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you.]
I realize that this will be difficult to do, some may say impossible. Therefore instead of saying I can or will do this, let's just begin to try and to say to the Lord "make me willing to be willing". You see, I say I forgive, but then I find myself fighting these awful feeling again. That's right, at times I'm right back where I started from, but I am willing to be made willing to forgive, in Jesus Name, Amen.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Come Into My Parlor Said The Spider To The Fly
It was a beautiful warm sunny day in June. I had just turned 5 years old and was excited that we had moved into a new neighborhood. I could see all around me many kids to play with, but since I was the new kid on the block I was ignored. That wasn't going to stop me, after all I already had some survival skills and being the extrovert that I am, I walked right up and introduced myself. However these kids were not going to make it easy for me, so needless to say my first couple of days were no fun! Little by little I began to make headway and before long I was part of the gang. Every morning the first kid out would give his/her unique signal letting the other kids know that the day was ready to begin. My mother would this "the call of the wild". What would we do today? Play kick ball, ride bikes, hopscotch, jax, red light green light, I could go on and on, all I knew was there were kids everywhere, it was like a kids heaven. You see we moved from Walnut street which was our main street in town with a total of one kid to play with, so you can see why I thought I was in heaven.
Unknown to me while we played there was a older man who would sit on his front porch and watch us kids run up and down the street. He would always say hi and in return we would greet him back as we would run past him. One day he came out on his porch with Popsicle's as we approached and asked us all if we wanted one. Well, what kid ever turned down a Popsicle, certainly not me and neither did anyone else. Before long it became a habit with him, he would see us playing across the street in this empty field and would beckon us over with Popsicle's. Before long he had us all sitting on his porch talking and joking with us. We all thought he was nice and for awhile he was nice.
One weekend all my friends seemed to have places to go and since my parents worked on the weekend I would stay at a neighbors house for the whole weekend. I had nothing to do, and was skipping along down the street when the man with the Popsicle's came out with one for me. We laughed for awhile as I sucked on the tasty treat and before long I had finished it. He asked if I would like another one, which of course I did, but this time he asked me to come in. I had nothing better to do so I went in. I still can smell his house in my mind, it was musty and stale but my mind was on that Popsicle. This time instead of going back on the porch he asked if I wanted to watch some cartoons and since nobody was around to play with, I said yes. We talked and laughed at the cartoons, I had a great time however it was getting late in the day so I left and went back to my babysitters house. Her daughter was older than me and seemed jealous of the time her mother would give me and therefore treated me mean. I hated staying there.
Soon another weekend would come around and my friends were either camping with their families or doing something and again I would find myself alone with nothing but time on my hands and nobody to play with, except for the older man who always had a supply of Popsicle's. It got to be a habit, me and him on the weekends talking, watching cartoons, he actually enjoyed spending time with me. Little did I know just how much fun he had planned for me. He nurtured me and had gained my trust and I thought he was my friend.
It was August almost time for me to begin kindergarten and another weekend approached. You see the kids were always around during the week, but on the weekends they would do special things with their parents while mine worked! Back to the babysitter I would go, dreading every minute of it, but I had my buddy the man with the Popsicle's, he would play with me. I had no idea just what kind of games he wanted to play, but that weekend I soon found out! He called me into his bedroom, he said he had something to show me and brought down a box. In the box were pictures of naked men and women and being young as well as inquisitive I giggled and laughed, something inside of me liked looking at them. Then it happened, he touched me in places I knew that were wrong, my heart beating out of my chest, I can still feel how hard my heart was beating still to this day!! I was so little and afraid, I was paralyzed with fear and it was as if I was out of my body watching and feeling things that I didn't want, but was too scared to stop. He took his clothes off and would rub on me and as bad as this sounds after awhile it began to feel good. I thought bad girl, bad bad girl! Nasty, dirty little girl don't you darn tell, for if I did he will say I wanted it, it was all my fault. And if I didn't come back, he would tell all my friends what we did and nobody would be able to play with the nasty, dirty little girl!!!
I can't tell you how long this continued to happen for my mind seemed to turn off as I became numb. I would go back to my house or the babysitters and bathe trying to rub the dirt and smell off of me. Why did I allow him to keep me in his web of deceit? In my mind I was that nasty, dirty little girl who had heard the saying "come into my parlor said the spider to the fly" only now I knew just what that saying meant, I was the fly and he was the spider and I was caught in his web!!!
This continued until one day I came home from kindergarten and heard my mom talking to the nieghbor and they were talking about someone who had died. I later learned it was the SPIDER and I was free from his web. I was FREE and no one would ever know about me the nasty, dirty little girl! I finally had no worries, or so I thought, because although I was free from him, there lay waiting another SPIDER only I was unaware of it, that was to come later.
I've since learned that it's not uncommon for a young child to be aroused or the cunning ways a pedophile works. This was a text book example. Parents pay attention to your children and who they surround theirselves with. Notice adults that want to spend an unusual amount of time with them. Don't count on them to tell you when bad things happen to them. Their minds are not equiped with rationalization, especial when lies and fear engulf them.
And to the survivors of such hideous assaults, as hard as it is to do, forgive your abusers. For in continuing the hate it only hurts YOU. In the Bible if you go to John 10:10 it says "The thief comes to steal, kill, and destory. I (Jesus) have come that you may have life, and that you may have it more abundantly " It's hard to understand why evil things happen to us, but we must be careful not to let the THIEF steal our life, he's had it for way to long...RECLAIM YOUR LIFE for Jesus is waiting to give you abundant life.
Unknown to me while we played there was a older man who would sit on his front porch and watch us kids run up and down the street. He would always say hi and in return we would greet him back as we would run past him. One day he came out on his porch with Popsicle's as we approached and asked us all if we wanted one. Well, what kid ever turned down a Popsicle, certainly not me and neither did anyone else. Before long it became a habit with him, he would see us playing across the street in this empty field and would beckon us over with Popsicle's. Before long he had us all sitting on his porch talking and joking with us. We all thought he was nice and for awhile he was nice.
One weekend all my friends seemed to have places to go and since my parents worked on the weekend I would stay at a neighbors house for the whole weekend. I had nothing to do, and was skipping along down the street when the man with the Popsicle's came out with one for me. We laughed for awhile as I sucked on the tasty treat and before long I had finished it. He asked if I would like another one, which of course I did, but this time he asked me to come in. I had nothing better to do so I went in. I still can smell his house in my mind, it was musty and stale but my mind was on that Popsicle. This time instead of going back on the porch he asked if I wanted to watch some cartoons and since nobody was around to play with, I said yes. We talked and laughed at the cartoons, I had a great time however it was getting late in the day so I left and went back to my babysitters house. Her daughter was older than me and seemed jealous of the time her mother would give me and therefore treated me mean. I hated staying there.
Soon another weekend would come around and my friends were either camping with their families or doing something and again I would find myself alone with nothing but time on my hands and nobody to play with, except for the older man who always had a supply of Popsicle's. It got to be a habit, me and him on the weekends talking, watching cartoons, he actually enjoyed spending time with me. Little did I know just how much fun he had planned for me. He nurtured me and had gained my trust and I thought he was my friend.
It was August almost time for me to begin kindergarten and another weekend approached. You see the kids were always around during the week, but on the weekends they would do special things with their parents while mine worked! Back to the babysitter I would go, dreading every minute of it, but I had my buddy the man with the Popsicle's, he would play with me. I had no idea just what kind of games he wanted to play, but that weekend I soon found out! He called me into his bedroom, he said he had something to show me and brought down a box. In the box were pictures of naked men and women and being young as well as inquisitive I giggled and laughed, something inside of me liked looking at them. Then it happened, he touched me in places I knew that were wrong, my heart beating out of my chest, I can still feel how hard my heart was beating still to this day!! I was so little and afraid, I was paralyzed with fear and it was as if I was out of my body watching and feeling things that I didn't want, but was too scared to stop. He took his clothes off and would rub on me and as bad as this sounds after awhile it began to feel good. I thought bad girl, bad bad girl! Nasty, dirty little girl don't you darn tell, for if I did he will say I wanted it, it was all my fault. And if I didn't come back, he would tell all my friends what we did and nobody would be able to play with the nasty, dirty little girl!!!
I can't tell you how long this continued to happen for my mind seemed to turn off as I became numb. I would go back to my house or the babysitters and bathe trying to rub the dirt and smell off of me. Why did I allow him to keep me in his web of deceit? In my mind I was that nasty, dirty little girl who had heard the saying "come into my parlor said the spider to the fly" only now I knew just what that saying meant, I was the fly and he was the spider and I was caught in his web!!!
This continued until one day I came home from kindergarten and heard my mom talking to the nieghbor and they were talking about someone who had died. I later learned it was the SPIDER and I was free from his web. I was FREE and no one would ever know about me the nasty, dirty little girl! I finally had no worries, or so I thought, because although I was free from him, there lay waiting another SPIDER only I was unaware of it, that was to come later.
I've since learned that it's not uncommon for a young child to be aroused or the cunning ways a pedophile works. This was a text book example. Parents pay attention to your children and who they surround theirselves with. Notice adults that want to spend an unusual amount of time with them. Don't count on them to tell you when bad things happen to them. Their minds are not equiped with rationalization, especial when lies and fear engulf them.
And to the survivors of such hideous assaults, as hard as it is to do, forgive your abusers. For in continuing the hate it only hurts YOU. In the Bible if you go to John 10:10 it says "The thief comes to steal, kill, and destory. I (Jesus) have come that you may have life, and that you may have it more abundantly " It's hard to understand why evil things happen to us, but we must be careful not to let the THIEF steal our life, he's had it for way to long...RECLAIM YOUR LIFE for Jesus is waiting to give you abundant life.
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