Hello, It's Been A While

It seems like a decade since writing a post! I've missed putting my feeling in writing. At times I feel a little inadequate to write after reading all the wonderful stuff that is out there. Some things I may be repeating, one can't remember always what one has said already. So if that's the case, my apologies in advance.

I've had several friends and family member question why I would put myself out there in writing the subjects I have written on. I am glad to say that my family has taken what I've written well, they're just sorry to know all that has happened to me as a very young girl. In all honesty I knew people who were close to me would read what I had written and I wanted them too. It was NEVER my intention to hide under a anonymous name for I knew that if I was to ever overcome my mental imagines, I was going to have to come completely clean and be very open, which included who I was.

You see I saw a broader picture than just a release from my own struggles. I saw a whole lot of people getting a release from their own demons. Sexual abuse is something a person rarely recovers completely from. I know I certainly haven't! However, I have become more at peace within myself and that speaks volumes.

Do I close my eyes at night and relive somethings? At times, YES.
Does it bring shivers down my spine and try to consume me? At times, YES!

It's so easy to allow yourself to become overwhelmed in the past, to drudge up all those negative experiences and become depressed. It's also hard when you realize that the dreams you once had for yourself will never come true. It's even harder when you realize that one of the reason they will never come true was because of the abuse you endured. Not that I'm using it as an excuse, because I know there are a lot of people out there who have gone through even worse than I have and yet made a fantastic life for themselves.

It has taken me 42 years to realize why my behaviors were so extreme. And even though people have the best of intentions, they can NEVER know unless they have been through it themselves what it feels like to be soiled, thinking you're unworthy of a quality love, although you search for it most of your life. I guess it's just in our instinct to continue to try and salvage our lives.

I hope that those out there who do know me don't think this was an attempt on my part to put shame on my family. I know some people took me wrong or maybe I just didn't make myself very clear. I do want to say that although I was an unplanned pregnancy I DO  know my parents loved me. They had their own set of issues to deal with that's all. And although they aren't alive today, I still would have written on all the subjects I have written on. I had to. It was a drawing deep within me to share my experiences. I know that I have touched some with my openness and for that I am truly grateful.

Just think about this....if only we as a people could trust our inner self to just be honest, and not be fearful of what others might think, then  maybe, just maybe we could live happier, healthier lives. Now I'm not saying we should go around just speaking our minds  that would hurt someones feelings...that would be displeasing to God and cause more harm than good. However, I do feel that if we could share more of our lives, hurts, dreams and failures there would be others willing to do the same. For I truly believe with all my heart that there are so many hurting people out in this big ole' world that would find closure if only they had the freedom to be honest without repercussion's. Yes, WITHOUT  repercussion's. It's time that we all realized we're flawed. One mans struggles may not be yours but yours are just as much of a struggle. We need to have compassion for one another and a high tolerance showing LOVE and RESPECT for each other.

I fall short myself but I strive to reach that goal. God willing and I know HE is...someday I will attain that goal. People ask me why I have to put God into everything, the simple answer to that is because HE is in everything. Every decision we make whether it be good or bad, HE is there trying to help his children as best as HE can. Remember though, HE did give us a free will and HE won't go against it. He'll try to show us, speak to us through people, places, and things, but ultimately we have to come to the conclusion that we were in the wrong and ask for HIS forgiveness and assistance. And what's so wonderful about our Lord is that HE is there, even when we are at our lowest, giving us a life line if we would just reach up and grab it! That's what HE has done for me and I hate to tell you how many times HE has had to help me out of the pit I've dug myself into!!

I just wanted to touch base with you dear friends. There has been  a lot of changes going on in my life. Some wonderful, some not so good. I just know that through it all I am not alone and that is so comforting. I had a dream last night that let me know God is still fighting for me, and that HIS power is still thriving inside of me. I love those dreams and I thank you Lord for giving me hope and a vision. God says in His word that His people perish for lack of knowledge...help me Lord not to be one of those people.

To you out there who think that you are unworthy, just remember I too feel that way at times. Our abusers did a terrific job in making us feel we are the one to blame...but YOU are worthy and I encourage you to continue to tell yourself that. Our abusers have stolen a great deal from us, but we can take it back. This is my attempt to regain my life by sharing my inner most thoughts. As you read my stories of survival I hope you can begin to see yourself as a survivor but more importantly WORTHY of all that life as to offer. Pick yourself up out of the depths of despair and continue to endure. If I can, YOU can too. Life is good and it's waiting for you to embrace it...so go ahead...EMBRACE IT!