I'm sitting here thinking about when I began writing my blogs, how scared I was that no one would understand and yes...I even thought some of you would think I of was attention seeking! Now I realize it has become a necessity!! I don't know how I kept all this in for so many years. Here I am, a grown woman and in some aspects still a small child. I think about the really important things that were back in my life and wish I had a do over. Then I suddenly realize that if maybe, just maybe I had never been abused I would have done a lot of things different. I've said it once and I'll say it again, people say you should never have regrets. I say to myself, "how can I NOT have regrets?" Did I want someone to abuse me? Absolutely not! So yes, I regret all of this stuff that has happened to me!! However, I know God will work it all toward the good for me and for you.
I wonder about abusers? What makes a man/woman think of a child so sexually? I know all the reasons given for such behavior, but still, being the victim and knowing how a victim feels, I still have to wonder! How do they justify their actions? Even physical abuse, a man shakes his six weeks old baby girl until her brain is damaged!!!! I use to care for people whom had grown and were adults, but had no great quality of life because of actions such as shaking, and throwing them against a wall. I look at my soon to be two month old grandson and think...how can someone do such a thing? My heart cries out for that child and more like them. It happens often you know?
I'll be fifty six soon and I confess that I live on red alert for my grandchildren. The parents get mad because I make comments concerning their safety, but I can't help it. I know they are being well watched, but still I can't help it! I don't mean to insult their abilities as a mother, I simply can't help it!! The thought of one of my grandchildren ever going through what I have, sickens me to the core. The thought of my children being assaulted sickens me to the core. I don't want one more child to EVER feel the way I've felt all these years. But that's unrealistic I know!
I ponder on my Heavenly Father. He knows all things before it happens, why did it ever have to happen? I know the answers to those questions, you see I have the head knowledge, but I still don't have the heart knowledge. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame God. I know why humans have a sinful nature. Not every wrong thing I did can I completely blame on the abuse. I also had choices that I hold myself accountable for, some decisions I made out of PRIDE! It does say "Pride goth before the fall". Well that's certainly the truth.
Oh I could on and on and on and ON, but there is no need for it anymore. I've come into a happier place. I'm understanding that you don't always have to be perfect to be accepted. I'm slowly but surely understanding the acceptance of self. That's a victory, REALLY it is! The family and friends I love don't profess to be perfect and I love them JUST the way they are. They may make me mad, but still I love them. I truly care for the well being. And as for myself? It is what it is, plain and simply. Sometimes life throws you some lemons....bad lemons. However, one can choose to either just sit there and let them rot, of make some good old lemonade. I'm ready for the lemonade!
I'm not saying that every once in awhile I won't have a difficult day, but I feel like I'm on the mend. And I encourage YOU the reader, if you're at the end of yourself, and you know what I mean. Please, comment to me, I'll return your questions or testimonies with a comment. I know how important it is sometimes to vent. VENT to me, I'm here. Nope, I do not have a P.H.D., so I don't know all the answers, but I can listen and tell you how I feel. I want to be the listening ear I never had. Anonymous is fine, we're all just faces in a world full of danger.
I'm going to try and be more upbeat with my blogs. So if you begin to notice that I'm not just focusing on abuse, rejection, etc. it's because I'm learning to accept me. The good, the bad, the ugly...me! However, I do have a weapon on my side and He is Jesus. Those of you who do not know Him, you really should give HIM a try, you won't be disappointed. Not in Jesus, In humans YES, but not Jesus. Those of you whom are Christians, we all need to have a more intimate relationship with Him. I've noticed that since writing these blogs and sharing my love for Jesus, I've started to change inside. Will the wounds always be there? Only time will tell, after all this is new for me. I've never experienced this kind of acceptance towards myself. One thing I do know, I always have Jesus, maybe not as close as He would have liked me to be YET, but He has always waited for me. HE'S waiting for YOU too.
Yes, I believe I'm beginning to reclaim my life. I'm not stupid enough not to know there is still a hill to climb, but at least I'm climbing. I'm now moving forward instead of backwards. I may stumble, but I know I'm capable of getting up, brushing myself off and starting all over again. And I give God the glory. Just as I am, I come but not alone, with Jesus.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Reading Road Maps In The Dark
I realize I have laid dormant for many years. As I look back on my life, it's almost as if I've watched it from outside of my body. Here I am, soon to be 56 years old and other than my children, what do I have to show for it? I wasted my years wondering mindlessly in the dark. Fooling myself into thinking I was doing terrific when all along I was fooling people around me as well as myself.
I should have gone to college, but I wasn't encouraged to do so. I look at all my friends have accomplished and wonder why didn't I have that drive? I know it's never too late to go to college, but my desire is not there. What is my purpose Lord? I know we all have some kind of calling, but I'm yet to find mine. I'm not complaining, really I'm not. Nor am I wanting sympathy. God has been good to me regardless of my rebellious nature and for that I am truly thankful!
I feel I'm beginning a new chapter in my life and although I've been told that we should never have regrets because they're what makes us who we are. I can't help but have them anyway. When I was a little girl I had such dreams for my life, but I allowed them to be stolen. Now as I reflect on the many years that have past, I can't help but feel mad at myself as well as others, but mainly at myself. After all it was up to me to take the lessons I learned and turn them into good.
A friend of mine posted a song by Michael McDermott called Carry Your Cross and although I find the lyrics haunting because of memories, there is one particular part of the song that keeps going over and over in my mind and those lyrics are "We're like reading road maps in the dark!" That's what I feel like I've been doing all of my life!! I'm so ready to come out of that darkness and begin to read the map that God has had planed out for me, but I keep getting in His way! I'm so sorry for decisions I've made, some that has caused harm to my loved ones. I truly want to do what is pleasing to my Lord, but just as Paul wrote, the thing I want to do, I do not do and those things that I do not want to do, I do.
How long can you wait for me Lord? I'm afraid of that answer. My desire is there but my flesh is so weak. All I know to do is ask You Lord to please not give up on me. People think because I pray and desire to seek Your will and I talk the talk, that I walk the walk. That is so far from the truth, although I will say my desire is to be that kind of person, sadly I am not consistent nor have I surrender completely.
I guess I'm writing this because I don't want any one to think I am fake or that I'm try to put on a facade. I tell it like it is, good or bad and when I'm wrong I say I'm wrong. I think I am a trust worthy person, and will defend what I believe is right to the very end. If I am your friend, I will fight for you if need be and when I get hurt, I try to forgive. Sometimes it takes awhile for me to get to the point of forgiveness, but eventually I do get there.
I tend to look at others who have strength and conviction for the Lord and find myself envious of their relationship with God. All the while knowing full well, that He is there ready for me...waiting for me...reaching for me. Why, what or whom am I waiting for? These are questions I ask myself almost daily. Do I have faith? The answer is definitely. Do I believe God answers prayer? Most definitely!!
So why am I still reading road maps in the dark? I believe some of it has to do with the sexual abuse that still creeps around in my mind, as well as some hurts that I haven't be able to let go of. Important people who have hurt my heart that hasn't yet mended. And some of them have been Christians. Yet I know when I stand before my Lord and Savior I have no excuse, for He is ready and willing to heal my brokenness. You see I know the scriptures, and recite them to help others, yet here I am keeping myself from allowing God to help me. Oh, He has help me many times, but I always take the help I've received from Him back!
Why are you down cast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 42:11
I truly believe and have hope in the scripture that is found in Romans 8:38&39...For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I claim that Father for myself in Jesus Name. Please forgive me and never give up on me, for I know in my heart that the scripture is true in Philippians 2:13...For it is God which works in you(me) both to will and to do His good pleasure. As always I will continue to pray for my break through and I am sure that day will come!!
I should have gone to college, but I wasn't encouraged to do so. I look at all my friends have accomplished and wonder why didn't I have that drive? I know it's never too late to go to college, but my desire is not there. What is my purpose Lord? I know we all have some kind of calling, but I'm yet to find mine. I'm not complaining, really I'm not. Nor am I wanting sympathy. God has been good to me regardless of my rebellious nature and for that I am truly thankful!
I feel I'm beginning a new chapter in my life and although I've been told that we should never have regrets because they're what makes us who we are. I can't help but have them anyway. When I was a little girl I had such dreams for my life, but I allowed them to be stolen. Now as I reflect on the many years that have past, I can't help but feel mad at myself as well as others, but mainly at myself. After all it was up to me to take the lessons I learned and turn them into good.
A friend of mine posted a song by Michael McDermott called Carry Your Cross and although I find the lyrics haunting because of memories, there is one particular part of the song that keeps going over and over in my mind and those lyrics are "We're like reading road maps in the dark!" That's what I feel like I've been doing all of my life!! I'm so ready to come out of that darkness and begin to read the map that God has had planed out for me, but I keep getting in His way! I'm so sorry for decisions I've made, some that has caused harm to my loved ones. I truly want to do what is pleasing to my Lord, but just as Paul wrote, the thing I want to do, I do not do and those things that I do not want to do, I do.
How long can you wait for me Lord? I'm afraid of that answer. My desire is there but my flesh is so weak. All I know to do is ask You Lord to please not give up on me. People think because I pray and desire to seek Your will and I talk the talk, that I walk the walk. That is so far from the truth, although I will say my desire is to be that kind of person, sadly I am not consistent nor have I surrender completely.
I guess I'm writing this because I don't want any one to think I am fake or that I'm try to put on a facade. I tell it like it is, good or bad and when I'm wrong I say I'm wrong. I think I am a trust worthy person, and will defend what I believe is right to the very end. If I am your friend, I will fight for you if need be and when I get hurt, I try to forgive. Sometimes it takes awhile for me to get to the point of forgiveness, but eventually I do get there.
I tend to look at others who have strength and conviction for the Lord and find myself envious of their relationship with God. All the while knowing full well, that He is there ready for me...waiting for me...reaching for me. Why, what or whom am I waiting for? These are questions I ask myself almost daily. Do I have faith? The answer is definitely. Do I believe God answers prayer? Most definitely!!
So why am I still reading road maps in the dark? I believe some of it has to do with the sexual abuse that still creeps around in my mind, as well as some hurts that I haven't be able to let go of. Important people who have hurt my heart that hasn't yet mended. And some of them have been Christians. Yet I know when I stand before my Lord and Savior I have no excuse, for He is ready and willing to heal my brokenness. You see I know the scriptures, and recite them to help others, yet here I am keeping myself from allowing God to help me. Oh, He has help me many times, but I always take the help I've received from Him back!
Why are you down cast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 42:11
I truly believe and have hope in the scripture that is found in Romans 8:38&39...For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I claim that Father for myself in Jesus Name. Please forgive me and never give up on me, for I know in my heart that the scripture is true in Philippians 2:13...For it is God which works in you(me) both to will and to do His good pleasure. As always I will continue to pray for my break through and I am sure that day will come!!
Friday, March 9, 2012
The Invisible Children Of Uganda
There were many reason I began to write a blog, but I never knew just how therapeutic this would be. I have manage all my life to disguise my feelings and at times I think many thought I had no feeling nor conscience. It's easier than people think to hide pain that one goes through, than it is to deal with someone else's pain. I feel someone else's pain this evening so strongly that I feel I am suffocating.
I could never be a politician, no it's much better for me to just be a plain Jane, a no schmo, a nobody because if I had the power to exercise force I would do it this very moment! I must have been hiding under a rock for eight or nine years, because this is the first time I've actually heard about Joesph Kony the leader of the L.R.A. or Lords Resistance Army. I watched in horror as the reporter told the story of all the children being kidnapped and forced to fight for this Joesph Kony. The boys are brutalized and taken from the parents, even made to kill them and the girls are taking for sexual pleasures for the men in authority in this army.
As a sexually abused survivor I can hardly catch my breath listening to the horrific and disgusting situations these young children have to endure. I can not believe that our government has allowed this to go on for so long. You may feel that it is none of our business and to let the country deal with their own issues, God tells me different and so does my heart. What is wrong with this world? And what is wrong with us? I guess God knows what he's talking about by not revealing the power that we actually have within us, because we probably would use it to call down fire upon everyone who offended us, but this circumstance is totally different as far as I am concerned. And at this time I wish I could call fire down on this ungodly man!!I know, I know, vengeance is mine saith the Lord.
Just as my heart would beat out of my chest when going through the abuse I have had to deal with, my heart is beating out of my chest for these "Invisible Children of Uganda" It's as if I feel there heart pounding, feel there tears actually going down my face, I can hear the screams of the young girls being raped and killed and the boys getting their ears,fingers,lips and nose cut off. Why is this happening? And better yet, what can we do? I feel as if I can't catch my breath, as if there is something I can do this very moment, but what? Ranting is getting me nowhere, and crying isn't helping either!
PRAY...PRAY...PRAY AND DON'T STOP! We are entering a time where crucial decisions are being made, and we just might be the next to endure such brutality. I know you love us Lord, but how can you put up with so much wickedness, and how can we ask you to not look away from us as a nation, when we have turned our backs on you? We aren't living an American dream, but rather the reality of America! And the reality is that we have turned away from our first love which is God all mighty and He is going to turn His back on us if we as a nation and as individuals don't repent and turn from our sins and abominations. Do you really think that we are THAT special that what is happening in Uganda, Iran, Syria, North Korea can't happen to us? We are already owned by China.
When I found out that those children in Uganda run every night once it is dark trying to return to their homes, knowing if they get caught death awaits them and nothing is being done about it, simply makes me sick and ashamed for our Country and ashamed as a people who speak of rights for others. Oh we will fight for the right to abort a child, fight for the right for same sex marriage, fight for the right for other religions to have their freedoms while little by little Christians loose theirs. We fight for every single thing that God abhors.
Over and over again God speaks to the churches in Revelations warning and saying "he that hath an ear let him hear what the Spirit saith to the churches!" But we desensitized people don't think God is speaking to us. We say, but God we love thy neighbor as Christ loves the church...lies! We feed the poor and widows and care for the children...lies! We are a nation of lovers of self.
God how can I lay me down to sleep tonight knowing there are children out there being tortured, mutilate, raped, shivering in the darkness. Wondering where their help or even if their help will come? As I place those covers over my clean body, with my belly full, heat in my home, water to drink and food to eat and a light to find my way, how do I close my eyes and sleep peacefully? Where is their light Oh Lord? Where is their comfortable bed to sleep in and food and water to drink? Wanting their mothers and fathers to hold them and tell them they are loved and are safe?
They are going through their tribulation right now, young , innocent, and scared. Can you hear their hearts beating out of their chest? I can. Can you hear their cry in the night and through the day? I can. Can you hear that young girl being raped or beaten into submission? I can. Can you hear that young boy being sodomized? I can. Can you stand by and do nothing? I can't.
God I make this pledge to you this very moment, if you show me the way to help, I will. Show me the path in which to take,for I can rest assured that You will protect me, for he that dwells in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the Shadow of the Almighty. I know that God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and of love, and of a sound mind. That no weapon formed against me shall prosper. Any tongue that shall rise against me shall be shown to be wrong, for this is my heritage as a servant of the Lord and my righteousness is of the Lord.
As I close with such a heavy heart, I leave you with this prayer. Father, may those who read this blog be touched by You. May they not find comfort in their cozy life, without thinking of the children of Uganda. May you bring a Godly conviction on each and everyone to the point to where they are seeking a solution to the help of this cause. And may you turn the embers that burn ever so slowly into a raging fire that causes them not to be satisfied with their life. I ask this in the Name of Jesus, for it's not by might, nor by power, but by My spirit, says the Lord, Amen!
Father, I claim Proverbs 3:24 "When I lie down to sleep, I shall not fear for my sleep shall be sweet." And one day soon, every child shall be able to say the same thing. In the Name of Jesus,Amen!
Since I wrote this I have seen a video that exposes this evil man for what he truly is. In October President Obama officially sent troops to help with technology to find Kony, but we must keep reminding the politicians that we the people care. So on April 20th 2012 people from all over the world are going to bring light to Joseph Kony by putting flyer's and posters up and give him all the exposure and awareness that a movie star would get but it's for the purpose of revealing this depraved terrorist for what he really is. I hope all who hear the video and learn about the event will participate. If you'd like to view the video go to... Kony2012www.youtube.com
I could never be a politician, no it's much better for me to just be a plain Jane, a no schmo, a nobody because if I had the power to exercise force I would do it this very moment! I must have been hiding under a rock for eight or nine years, because this is the first time I've actually heard about Joesph Kony the leader of the L.R.A. or Lords Resistance Army. I watched in horror as the reporter told the story of all the children being kidnapped and forced to fight for this Joesph Kony. The boys are brutalized and taken from the parents, even made to kill them and the girls are taking for sexual pleasures for the men in authority in this army.
As a sexually abused survivor I can hardly catch my breath listening to the horrific and disgusting situations these young children have to endure. I can not believe that our government has allowed this to go on for so long. You may feel that it is none of our business and to let the country deal with their own issues, God tells me different and so does my heart. What is wrong with this world? And what is wrong with us? I guess God knows what he's talking about by not revealing the power that we actually have within us, because we probably would use it to call down fire upon everyone who offended us, but this circumstance is totally different as far as I am concerned. And at this time I wish I could call fire down on this ungodly man!!I know, I know, vengeance is mine saith the Lord.
Just as my heart would beat out of my chest when going through the abuse I have had to deal with, my heart is beating out of my chest for these "Invisible Children of Uganda" It's as if I feel there heart pounding, feel there tears actually going down my face, I can hear the screams of the young girls being raped and killed and the boys getting their ears,fingers,lips and nose cut off. Why is this happening? And better yet, what can we do? I feel as if I can't catch my breath, as if there is something I can do this very moment, but what? Ranting is getting me nowhere, and crying isn't helping either!
PRAY...PRAY...PRAY AND DON'T STOP! We are entering a time where crucial decisions are being made, and we just might be the next to endure such brutality. I know you love us Lord, but how can you put up with so much wickedness, and how can we ask you to not look away from us as a nation, when we have turned our backs on you? We aren't living an American dream, but rather the reality of America! And the reality is that we have turned away from our first love which is God all mighty and He is going to turn His back on us if we as a nation and as individuals don't repent and turn from our sins and abominations. Do you really think that we are THAT special that what is happening in Uganda, Iran, Syria, North Korea can't happen to us? We are already owned by China.
When I found out that those children in Uganda run every night once it is dark trying to return to their homes, knowing if they get caught death awaits them and nothing is being done about it, simply makes me sick and ashamed for our Country and ashamed as a people who speak of rights for others. Oh we will fight for the right to abort a child, fight for the right for same sex marriage, fight for the right for other religions to have their freedoms while little by little Christians loose theirs. We fight for every single thing that God abhors.
Over and over again God speaks to the churches in Revelations warning and saying "he that hath an ear let him hear what the Spirit saith to the churches!" But we desensitized people don't think God is speaking to us. We say, but God we love thy neighbor as Christ loves the church...lies! We feed the poor and widows and care for the children...lies! We are a nation of lovers of self.
God how can I lay me down to sleep tonight knowing there are children out there being tortured, mutilate, raped, shivering in the darkness. Wondering where their help or even if their help will come? As I place those covers over my clean body, with my belly full, heat in my home, water to drink and food to eat and a light to find my way, how do I close my eyes and sleep peacefully? Where is their light Oh Lord? Where is their comfortable bed to sleep in and food and water to drink? Wanting their mothers and fathers to hold them and tell them they are loved and are safe?
They are going through their tribulation right now, young , innocent, and scared. Can you hear their hearts beating out of their chest? I can. Can you hear their cry in the night and through the day? I can. Can you hear that young girl being raped or beaten into submission? I can. Can you hear that young boy being sodomized? I can. Can you stand by and do nothing? I can't.
God I make this pledge to you this very moment, if you show me the way to help, I will. Show me the path in which to take,for I can rest assured that You will protect me, for he that dwells in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the Shadow of the Almighty. I know that God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and of love, and of a sound mind. That no weapon formed against me shall prosper. Any tongue that shall rise against me shall be shown to be wrong, for this is my heritage as a servant of the Lord and my righteousness is of the Lord.
As I close with such a heavy heart, I leave you with this prayer. Father, may those who read this blog be touched by You. May they not find comfort in their cozy life, without thinking of the children of Uganda. May you bring a Godly conviction on each and everyone to the point to where they are seeking a solution to the help of this cause. And may you turn the embers that burn ever so slowly into a raging fire that causes them not to be satisfied with their life. I ask this in the Name of Jesus, for it's not by might, nor by power, but by My spirit, says the Lord, Amen!
Father, I claim Proverbs 3:24 "When I lie down to sleep, I shall not fear for my sleep shall be sweet." And one day soon, every child shall be able to say the same thing. In the Name of Jesus,Amen!
Since I wrote this I have seen a video that exposes this evil man for what he truly is. In October President Obama officially sent troops to help with technology to find Kony, but we must keep reminding the politicians that we the people care. So on April 20th 2012 people from all over the world are going to bring light to Joseph Kony by putting flyer's and posters up and give him all the exposure and awareness that a movie star would get but it's for the purpose of revealing this depraved terrorist for what he really is. I hope all who hear the video and learn about the event will participate. If you'd like to view the video go to... Kony2012www.youtube.com
Monday, March 5, 2012
The Candle Lighter Award
For those of you who have been following my blog site, you may have noticed a Candle Lighters Award below my profile picture. I have been blessed to be the recipient of this award. The award represents the following:
The Candle Lighters Award is an award for a post or blog that is positive and brings light into the world.
The Candle Lighters Award belongs to those who believe, who always survive the day and never stop dreaming, who do not quit but keep trying.
There are no rules
If a person wishes to accept it is done! You are also free to decline or ignore. A recipient can pass it on to as many nominees as they wish and as often as they wish.
If anyone would have told me that after only a few months of blogging that someone would find ME worthy of the recognition of an award, I would have thought it ridiculous. After all I have never been one to receive recognition for anything positive, at least not in a very long time. And definitely not someone like myself, who only has a High School education and can not compete with such knowledgeable and professional blogs. However, here I am accepting The Candler Lighters Award from another blogger whom I respect and find to be just as courageous as she has given me credit for being.
Thank You Rescuing Little L for thinking me a worthy recipient of such an honor, I have read so many blogs, how can one choose, for there are so many of us out there? Yet I accept this award but, I do so for ALL abused people whom are out there, silent, feeling they have no voice, ashamed, feeling alone and still to blame.
When I read that I had been chosen, I can not begin to express to you the joy I felt plus the acceptance for being me. ME... the person whom I have been running from for years, the pain I had tried to block out of my mind. The hurt and disgust for myself that I had hidden all these years. The lost LOVE!! This award will never take away the memories that have held me captive all these years, nor do I ever expect that they will ever leave. However I know that with God's help I will be able to overcome and possibly do even more...be a beacon of light to those who feel that they will always have to live all the days of their lives feeling soiled, used, and cast aside like a piece of garbage.
Let me encourage you ...no challenge you from this day forth to seize the world and all it has for you. Quit believing the lies that pulse through your brain and the depression that continues to try and grip your spirit! Let this day be a day of renewal for you as well as for me. Allow Jesus to renew your spirit as you pray and commune with Him daily. I try to remember scripture from the bible to help me through. Two that are always of comfort to me are the following:
Philippians 4:13> I can do ALL things through Christ who strenghtens me.
Romans 8:37> I am more than a conqueror through Christ who loves me.
I look forward to writing many more blogs. Not all of them will pertain to sexual issues, but I'm sure that because of my history, it will have some bearing on my opinions. I promise that to the best of my ability to always be honest and forthcoming with all that is in my heart. You see, I feel that there is not one person whom can move forward without acknowledging their own truths. For you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free, and once you are free, you will be free indeed!
Again many thanks to you Rescuing Little L...may God's blessing abound mightily for you and yours.
The Candle Lighters Award is an award for a post or blog that is positive and brings light into the world.
The Candle Lighters Award belongs to those who believe, who always survive the day and never stop dreaming, who do not quit but keep trying.
There are no rules
If a person wishes to accept it is done! You are also free to decline or ignore. A recipient can pass it on to as many nominees as they wish and as often as they wish.
If anyone would have told me that after only a few months of blogging that someone would find ME worthy of the recognition of an award, I would have thought it ridiculous. After all I have never been one to receive recognition for anything positive, at least not in a very long time. And definitely not someone like myself, who only has a High School education and can not compete with such knowledgeable and professional blogs. However, here I am accepting The Candler Lighters Award from another blogger whom I respect and find to be just as courageous as she has given me credit for being.
Thank You Rescuing Little L for thinking me a worthy recipient of such an honor, I have read so many blogs, how can one choose, for there are so many of us out there? Yet I accept this award but, I do so for ALL abused people whom are out there, silent, feeling they have no voice, ashamed, feeling alone and still to blame.
When I read that I had been chosen, I can not begin to express to you the joy I felt plus the acceptance for being me. ME... the person whom I have been running from for years, the pain I had tried to block out of my mind. The hurt and disgust for myself that I had hidden all these years. The lost LOVE!! This award will never take away the memories that have held me captive all these years, nor do I ever expect that they will ever leave. However I know that with God's help I will be able to overcome and possibly do even more...be a beacon of light to those who feel that they will always have to live all the days of their lives feeling soiled, used, and cast aside like a piece of garbage.
Let me encourage you ...no challenge you from this day forth to seize the world and all it has for you. Quit believing the lies that pulse through your brain and the depression that continues to try and grip your spirit! Let this day be a day of renewal for you as well as for me. Allow Jesus to renew your spirit as you pray and commune with Him daily. I try to remember scripture from the bible to help me through. Two that are always of comfort to me are the following:
Philippians 4:13> I can do ALL things through Christ who strenghtens me.
Romans 8:37> I am more than a conqueror through Christ who loves me.
I look forward to writing many more blogs. Not all of them will pertain to sexual issues, but I'm sure that because of my history, it will have some bearing on my opinions. I promise that to the best of my ability to always be honest and forthcoming with all that is in my heart. You see, I feel that there is not one person whom can move forward without acknowledging their own truths. For you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free, and once you are free, you will be free indeed!
Again many thanks to you Rescuing Little L...may God's blessing abound mightily for you and yours.
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