It's a known fact that sharks smell blood in the water and swim straight to it. Just when I thought it was safe to feel freedom, the shark must have smelled blood because another abuser came into my life. As I go back into my mind that's what I see, a shark swimming around me, her fin sticking out of the water getting closer and closer until the attack! Yes, I said she remember a molester does not have to be a male. I knew freedom for about three years and then a new babysitter came into my life.
As usual my parents worked weekends and the lady who had taken care of me had become ill and wasn't able to watch me any longer. My hope was that my mom would stop working weekends and stay home, but that wasn't happening and now I had a new babysitter. At first like most abusers she was nice, letting me watch programs I liked and giving me freedom to play with kids when they were around. I actually thought she was cool. She was in her senior year of High School and would watch me after school until my mom came home and then always on the weekends. However, she liked the boys, mostly "hoods" that's what rebellious kids were called back in my day.
On the weekends I would have to stay with her Friday night, Saturday night, and all day Sunday. I also had to sleep in the same bed with her, I hated that and I never understood why since there was another bedroom. However, that was the rule and therefore I obeyed. In her house was a basement and in one corner of the basement was an area that had a curtain around it with a mattress on the floor. I always thought it was strange but never really gave it that much thought. I liked going in the basement, we played music, danced and sang, those were fun times. One day the fun stopped and again the HELL began.
"Come over here Debbie and give me a message, my back hurts" she said. I was always giving my big brother messages so I thought nothing of it. Then she told me to start rubbing her in personal spots and I said NO. She told me that if I didn't do as she said she would tell my mom I was bad then I would be grounded from playing with the kids after school and would have to stay in her house all the time. She became mean and the look in her eyes scared me, so although I hated it, I touched her where ever she told me to. It started to happen more often, and at times would occur in my parents own bed. OH, how I hated the control she had over me. I was her puppet and she was pulling the strings, this went on for one long year.
I can remember sitting and watching Lassie on Sunday evenings and when Lassie would put her paw up at the end of the show, silent tears would fall down my face. Partly because I wished that Lassie could save me, and also because I knew my mom would be coming to get me soon. My babysitter would laugh at me and call me a baby. To this day when I watch an old episode of Lassie, the memories come flooding back.
Silly me, I thought I was safe when I heard a girl was going to watch me. That's when I learned that gender plays no part in sexual abuse. It matters not whether you are the victim or the abuser, gender has no boundries. I would wonder what I had done that was so wrong for my life to be so ugly and dark!
As my babysitter was getting ready for graduation, I was informed that she wouldn't be watching me any longer. Hallelujah, I was excited. My abuser was going to be gone and maybe just maybe my mom would be staying home with me. But that was not to be, for yet again I was on my way to a new sitter. What awaited me, I didn't know. I had learned not to be excited about anything anymore, and was so broken inside that whatever was going to happen to me was my own HELL to deal with.
I begged my mom to stay home with me, but she said she needed to work. My parents owned two taverns at that time and she was responsibile for one, or so she said. You know my mother was raised in church, but while she was working she didn't go so neither did I. Oh, I was told about God and sang the songs such as "Jesus Loves the Little Children" and every now and then my older sister would take me to church. I loved the feeling I had when I went to church, I felt so clean afterwards. When I would hear teaching where Jesus said "suffer the little children to come unto me", I always thought it meant the children who were suffering and in my young mind I wondered why Jesus didn't come to me. He was there, I know that now, but my parents were more involved with making money. I just wish they had read the word in Proverbs 28:20 [A faithful man shall abound with blessings: but he that maketh haste to be rich shall not be innocent].
I can't help but feel they had a hand in my abuse by not being there, by not caring when I cried and begged them not to leave me. I'm sure now that if I would have just told them what was happening, they would have put a stop to it. However, I'm not so sure if my mom would have stopped working or just found me another babysitter. Silence is an abusers best friend. I had many babysitters in my young life, not all of them sexually abused me, but some were cruel and one put me through a different HELL. I'll have to leave that story for another time, for I'm too weary to share it now this story has left me depleted.
However, I must tell you I am feeling lighter as I reclaim my life. I leave you with this verse that is a promise I stand on from Philippians 1:6 [I am sure that God who began the good work in you will keep on helping you grow in His grace until His task within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns].
Monday, January 30, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
It's Hard To Forgive Lord
It's sad to say, but I have to be truthful, I was relieved when my abuser died. Thinking about it over the past few days I have wondered, did he ever know Jesus? Was he in a bondage of hell of his own? Had he also come from a life of abuse? Over the years I have read and listened to people say that most abuser are victims of abuse themselves. This may sound strange coming from me, but I hope in my abuser last breath he cried out for forgiveness and his soul was saved.
When ask how many times a person should forgive, I always refer to Matthew 18:21 & 22 [Then came Peter to Him, (Jesus) and said, Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him, seven times? Jesus said unto him, I say unto thee, not seven times: but seventy times seven] That's a lot of forgiveness. And in all honesty it has been hard to forgive this man, yet how can I expect Jesus to forgive me, if I'm not willing to forgive him, no matter how awful the sin and how traumatic the experience was for me. How can I truly be set free, unless I am willing to free myself from this anger and hatred.
As I continue this journey, of reclaiming my life, there will be many times that I will have to ponder this question. In the Webster Dictionary the definition of forgive which is a verb, (a verb is an action word) means To pardon; to give up resentment of; to cease to feel resentment against. That's a hard pill to swallow, especially when it has altered ones life. Yet I must take action to do so, this I know.
To every action there is a reaction, and as you will read in later blogs to come, my actions have cause reactions that I am not proud of and has also caused me much pain because of my poor decisions concerning relationships. I have lost a lot in my life and have endured more abuse and have felt severe rejection, but I will write about that another time.
My purpose for writing this particular blog, is to reveal that forgiveness is the key to beginning a normal life. And I know that all abused victims desire a normalcy, we strive to feel whole, complete, to feel that we are without blemish. I truly feel through this journey those who continue to follow my blog that we will find our final destination without spot or blemish.
However, in order to accomplish this we must strive to begin to heal through forgiveness. God's word states in Ephesians 4:31 & 32 [Let all bitterness and wrath, anger, clamour and evil speaking, be put away from you with all malice. And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you.]
I realize that this will be difficult to do, some may say impossible. Therefore instead of saying I can or will do this, let's just begin to try and to say to the Lord "make me willing to be willing". You see, I say I forgive, but then I find myself fighting these awful feeling again. That's right, at times I'm right back where I started from, but I am willing to be made willing to forgive, in Jesus Name, Amen.
When ask how many times a person should forgive, I always refer to Matthew 18:21 & 22 [Then came Peter to Him, (Jesus) and said, Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him, seven times? Jesus said unto him, I say unto thee, not seven times: but seventy times seven] That's a lot of forgiveness. And in all honesty it has been hard to forgive this man, yet how can I expect Jesus to forgive me, if I'm not willing to forgive him, no matter how awful the sin and how traumatic the experience was for me. How can I truly be set free, unless I am willing to free myself from this anger and hatred.
As I continue this journey, of reclaiming my life, there will be many times that I will have to ponder this question. In the Webster Dictionary the definition of forgive which is a verb, (a verb is an action word) means To pardon; to give up resentment of; to cease to feel resentment against. That's a hard pill to swallow, especially when it has altered ones life. Yet I must take action to do so, this I know.
To every action there is a reaction, and as you will read in later blogs to come, my actions have cause reactions that I am not proud of and has also caused me much pain because of my poor decisions concerning relationships. I have lost a lot in my life and have endured more abuse and have felt severe rejection, but I will write about that another time.
My purpose for writing this particular blog, is to reveal that forgiveness is the key to beginning a normal life. And I know that all abused victims desire a normalcy, we strive to feel whole, complete, to feel that we are without blemish. I truly feel through this journey those who continue to follow my blog that we will find our final destination without spot or blemish.
However, in order to accomplish this we must strive to begin to heal through forgiveness. God's word states in Ephesians 4:31 & 32 [Let all bitterness and wrath, anger, clamour and evil speaking, be put away from you with all malice. And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you.]
I realize that this will be difficult to do, some may say impossible. Therefore instead of saying I can or will do this, let's just begin to try and to say to the Lord "make me willing to be willing". You see, I say I forgive, but then I find myself fighting these awful feeling again. That's right, at times I'm right back where I started from, but I am willing to be made willing to forgive, in Jesus Name, Amen.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Come Into My Parlor Said The Spider To The Fly
It was a beautiful warm sunny day in June. I had just turned 5 years old and was excited that we had moved into a new neighborhood. I could see all around me many kids to play with, but since I was the new kid on the block I was ignored. That wasn't going to stop me, after all I already had some survival skills and being the extrovert that I am, I walked right up and introduced myself. However these kids were not going to make it easy for me, so needless to say my first couple of days were no fun! Little by little I began to make headway and before long I was part of the gang. Every morning the first kid out would give his/her unique signal letting the other kids know that the day was ready to begin. My mother would this "the call of the wild". What would we do today? Play kick ball, ride bikes, hopscotch, jax, red light green light, I could go on and on, all I knew was there were kids everywhere, it was like a kids heaven. You see we moved from Walnut street which was our main street in town with a total of one kid to play with, so you can see why I thought I was in heaven.
Unknown to me while we played there was a older man who would sit on his front porch and watch us kids run up and down the street. He would always say hi and in return we would greet him back as we would run past him. One day he came out on his porch with Popsicle's as we approached and asked us all if we wanted one. Well, what kid ever turned down a Popsicle, certainly not me and neither did anyone else. Before long it became a habit with him, he would see us playing across the street in this empty field and would beckon us over with Popsicle's. Before long he had us all sitting on his porch talking and joking with us. We all thought he was nice and for awhile he was nice.
One weekend all my friends seemed to have places to go and since my parents worked on the weekend I would stay at a neighbors house for the whole weekend. I had nothing to do, and was skipping along down the street when the man with the Popsicle's came out with one for me. We laughed for awhile as I sucked on the tasty treat and before long I had finished it. He asked if I would like another one, which of course I did, but this time he asked me to come in. I had nothing better to do so I went in. I still can smell his house in my mind, it was musty and stale but my mind was on that Popsicle. This time instead of going back on the porch he asked if I wanted to watch some cartoons and since nobody was around to play with, I said yes. We talked and laughed at the cartoons, I had a great time however it was getting late in the day so I left and went back to my babysitters house. Her daughter was older than me and seemed jealous of the time her mother would give me and therefore treated me mean. I hated staying there.
Soon another weekend would come around and my friends were either camping with their families or doing something and again I would find myself alone with nothing but time on my hands and nobody to play with, except for the older man who always had a supply of Popsicle's. It got to be a habit, me and him on the weekends talking, watching cartoons, he actually enjoyed spending time with me. Little did I know just how much fun he had planned for me. He nurtured me and had gained my trust and I thought he was my friend.
It was August almost time for me to begin kindergarten and another weekend approached. You see the kids were always around during the week, but on the weekends they would do special things with their parents while mine worked! Back to the babysitter I would go, dreading every minute of it, but I had my buddy the man with the Popsicle's, he would play with me. I had no idea just what kind of games he wanted to play, but that weekend I soon found out! He called me into his bedroom, he said he had something to show me and brought down a box. In the box were pictures of naked men and women and being young as well as inquisitive I giggled and laughed, something inside of me liked looking at them. Then it happened, he touched me in places I knew that were wrong, my heart beating out of my chest, I can still feel how hard my heart was beating still to this day!! I was so little and afraid, I was paralyzed with fear and it was as if I was out of my body watching and feeling things that I didn't want, but was too scared to stop. He took his clothes off and would rub on me and as bad as this sounds after awhile it began to feel good. I thought bad girl, bad bad girl! Nasty, dirty little girl don't you darn tell, for if I did he will say I wanted it, it was all my fault. And if I didn't come back, he would tell all my friends what we did and nobody would be able to play with the nasty, dirty little girl!!!
I can't tell you how long this continued to happen for my mind seemed to turn off as I became numb. I would go back to my house or the babysitters and bathe trying to rub the dirt and smell off of me. Why did I allow him to keep me in his web of deceit? In my mind I was that nasty, dirty little girl who had heard the saying "come into my parlor said the spider to the fly" only now I knew just what that saying meant, I was the fly and he was the spider and I was caught in his web!!!
This continued until one day I came home from kindergarten and heard my mom talking to the nieghbor and they were talking about someone who had died. I later learned it was the SPIDER and I was free from his web. I was FREE and no one would ever know about me the nasty, dirty little girl! I finally had no worries, or so I thought, because although I was free from him, there lay waiting another SPIDER only I was unaware of it, that was to come later.
I've since learned that it's not uncommon for a young child to be aroused or the cunning ways a pedophile works. This was a text book example. Parents pay attention to your children and who they surround theirselves with. Notice adults that want to spend an unusual amount of time with them. Don't count on them to tell you when bad things happen to them. Their minds are not equiped with rationalization, especial when lies and fear engulf them.
And to the survivors of such hideous assaults, as hard as it is to do, forgive your abusers. For in continuing the hate it only hurts YOU. In the Bible if you go to John 10:10 it says "The thief comes to steal, kill, and destory. I (Jesus) have come that you may have life, and that you may have it more abundantly " It's hard to understand why evil things happen to us, but we must be careful not to let the THIEF steal our life, he's had it for way to long...RECLAIM YOUR LIFE for Jesus is waiting to give you abundant life.
Unknown to me while we played there was a older man who would sit on his front porch and watch us kids run up and down the street. He would always say hi and in return we would greet him back as we would run past him. One day he came out on his porch with Popsicle's as we approached and asked us all if we wanted one. Well, what kid ever turned down a Popsicle, certainly not me and neither did anyone else. Before long it became a habit with him, he would see us playing across the street in this empty field and would beckon us over with Popsicle's. Before long he had us all sitting on his porch talking and joking with us. We all thought he was nice and for awhile he was nice.
One weekend all my friends seemed to have places to go and since my parents worked on the weekend I would stay at a neighbors house for the whole weekend. I had nothing to do, and was skipping along down the street when the man with the Popsicle's came out with one for me. We laughed for awhile as I sucked on the tasty treat and before long I had finished it. He asked if I would like another one, which of course I did, but this time he asked me to come in. I had nothing better to do so I went in. I still can smell his house in my mind, it was musty and stale but my mind was on that Popsicle. This time instead of going back on the porch he asked if I wanted to watch some cartoons and since nobody was around to play with, I said yes. We talked and laughed at the cartoons, I had a great time however it was getting late in the day so I left and went back to my babysitters house. Her daughter was older than me and seemed jealous of the time her mother would give me and therefore treated me mean. I hated staying there.
Soon another weekend would come around and my friends were either camping with their families or doing something and again I would find myself alone with nothing but time on my hands and nobody to play with, except for the older man who always had a supply of Popsicle's. It got to be a habit, me and him on the weekends talking, watching cartoons, he actually enjoyed spending time with me. Little did I know just how much fun he had planned for me. He nurtured me and had gained my trust and I thought he was my friend.
It was August almost time for me to begin kindergarten and another weekend approached. You see the kids were always around during the week, but on the weekends they would do special things with their parents while mine worked! Back to the babysitter I would go, dreading every minute of it, but I had my buddy the man with the Popsicle's, he would play with me. I had no idea just what kind of games he wanted to play, but that weekend I soon found out! He called me into his bedroom, he said he had something to show me and brought down a box. In the box were pictures of naked men and women and being young as well as inquisitive I giggled and laughed, something inside of me liked looking at them. Then it happened, he touched me in places I knew that were wrong, my heart beating out of my chest, I can still feel how hard my heart was beating still to this day!! I was so little and afraid, I was paralyzed with fear and it was as if I was out of my body watching and feeling things that I didn't want, but was too scared to stop. He took his clothes off and would rub on me and as bad as this sounds after awhile it began to feel good. I thought bad girl, bad bad girl! Nasty, dirty little girl don't you darn tell, for if I did he will say I wanted it, it was all my fault. And if I didn't come back, he would tell all my friends what we did and nobody would be able to play with the nasty, dirty little girl!!!
I can't tell you how long this continued to happen for my mind seemed to turn off as I became numb. I would go back to my house or the babysitters and bathe trying to rub the dirt and smell off of me. Why did I allow him to keep me in his web of deceit? In my mind I was that nasty, dirty little girl who had heard the saying "come into my parlor said the spider to the fly" only now I knew just what that saying meant, I was the fly and he was the spider and I was caught in his web!!!
This continued until one day I came home from kindergarten and heard my mom talking to the nieghbor and they were talking about someone who had died. I later learned it was the SPIDER and I was free from his web. I was FREE and no one would ever know about me the nasty, dirty little girl! I finally had no worries, or so I thought, because although I was free from him, there lay waiting another SPIDER only I was unaware of it, that was to come later.
I've since learned that it's not uncommon for a young child to be aroused or the cunning ways a pedophile works. This was a text book example. Parents pay attention to your children and who they surround theirselves with. Notice adults that want to spend an unusual amount of time with them. Don't count on them to tell you when bad things happen to them. Their minds are not equiped with rationalization, especial when lies and fear engulf them.
And to the survivors of such hideous assaults, as hard as it is to do, forgive your abusers. For in continuing the hate it only hurts YOU. In the Bible if you go to John 10:10 it says "The thief comes to steal, kill, and destory. I (Jesus) have come that you may have life, and that you may have it more abundantly " It's hard to understand why evil things happen to us, but we must be careful not to let the THIEF steal our life, he's had it for way to long...RECLAIM YOUR LIFE for Jesus is waiting to give you abundant life.
Friday, January 20, 2012
God's Precious Blessings
I began my first blog by telling you a little about my background as a
young child. Now I'd like to encourage you that there are blessing
which have occurred even as I walked in my journey of secrecy.
I married at the young age of twenty. The man I married was a good person and although I thought I loved him, sadly I didn't. However God Blessed me with a set of twin girls and then later along came another beautiful daughter, so I have three children all together. I always wanted twins but since my sister had twin boys, I figured that it wouldn't possibly happen a second time in our family...how wrong I was. In my sadness God gave me the greatest gift of all, my children.My life revolved around them, and their love gave me a fulfillment which I had never known. I thank HIM daily for those blessings in which He bestowed upon me.
Anyone who has gone through sexual abuse is always looking for any signs of strange behavior when your children are around people (strangers, friends or family) one never knows! I emerged myself into a christian school and became involved with many projects, with hopes that this would somehow fill the gap of hurt and betrayal that seemed to engulf my brain. I fought fear at all times and used the school for my salvation from going crazy. I wasn't happy at home, I didn't desire my husband physically and at times, as cruel as this may sound...his touch repulsed me. I tried for seventeen years to make this marriage work, but ultimately it came to and end. I must point out that the father of my children had nothing to do with my feeling towards him, it was the demons inside of me that I was at war with!
The reason that I want to share this with you now is because I want you to know there is happiness at the end of my journey, and that you can overcome any obstacles whether it be physical, mental, emotional or spiritual.
As we begin this journey into the deep and dirty secrets of sexual abuse, some of what I say may come across strong, but there can be no sugar coating the truth if you truly want to be set free. Some of what I divulge will turn your stomach. Some of what I tell you still turns mine, but it's been branded in my mind and shall remain there forever!
My hope for us all through these stories is not to sensationalize the abuse, but rather to encourage you that Gods love is greater than anything that can possibly happen to you and that greater is HE that is in you, than he that is in this world. Yes I will be lifting up the name of Jesus because without HIM my life would be a complete wreck. So be of good courage my friends, for there is hope that you will come through this. Will you be able to forget these things that have happened to you, probably not. Can you overcome and be used to help others...YES!
I don't need to tell you that those whom did you harm were evil because YOU know that , YOU lived it , but they were controlled by Satan (the father of this world) that's why it says in the bible that we "Wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, powers, wicked rulers in high places" that's why we need God to achieve peace. My desire is that through this journey we will begin to heal and find true peace.
I leave you with this scripture...Revelations 12:11 "And they (us) overcame him (Satan) by the blood of the lamb (Jesus) and by the word of their testimony.. ."
I married at the young age of twenty. The man I married was a good person and although I thought I loved him, sadly I didn't. However God Blessed me with a set of twin girls and then later along came another beautiful daughter, so I have three children all together. I always wanted twins but since my sister had twin boys, I figured that it wouldn't possibly happen a second time in our family...how wrong I was. In my sadness God gave me the greatest gift of all, my children.My life revolved around them, and their love gave me a fulfillment which I had never known. I thank HIM daily for those blessings in which He bestowed upon me.
Anyone who has gone through sexual abuse is always looking for any signs of strange behavior when your children are around people (strangers, friends or family) one never knows! I emerged myself into a christian school and became involved with many projects, with hopes that this would somehow fill the gap of hurt and betrayal that seemed to engulf my brain. I fought fear at all times and used the school for my salvation from going crazy. I wasn't happy at home, I didn't desire my husband physically and at times, as cruel as this may sound...his touch repulsed me. I tried for seventeen years to make this marriage work, but ultimately it came to and end. I must point out that the father of my children had nothing to do with my feeling towards him, it was the demons inside of me that I was at war with!
The reason that I want to share this with you now is because I want you to know there is happiness at the end of my journey, and that you can overcome any obstacles whether it be physical, mental, emotional or spiritual.
As we begin this journey into the deep and dirty secrets of sexual abuse, some of what I say may come across strong, but there can be no sugar coating the truth if you truly want to be set free. Some of what I divulge will turn your stomach. Some of what I tell you still turns mine, but it's been branded in my mind and shall remain there forever!
My hope for us all through these stories is not to sensationalize the abuse, but rather to encourage you that Gods love is greater than anything that can possibly happen to you and that greater is HE that is in you, than he that is in this world. Yes I will be lifting up the name of Jesus because without HIM my life would be a complete wreck. So be of good courage my friends, for there is hope that you will come through this. Will you be able to forget these things that have happened to you, probably not. Can you overcome and be used to help others...YES!
I don't need to tell you that those whom did you harm were evil because YOU know that , YOU lived it , but they were controlled by Satan (the father of this world) that's why it says in the bible that we "Wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, powers, wicked rulers in high places" that's why we need God to achieve peace. My desire is that through this journey we will begin to heal and find true peace.
I leave you with this scripture...Revelations 12:11 "And they (us) overcame him (Satan) by the blood of the lamb (Jesus) and by the word of their testimony.. ."
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
A Late In Life Inconvenience
I feel you need a little background information about me before I divulge more of the private hell I have endured as a child. Let me begin at the age of three. I have always known that I was an unwanted pregnancy, which made me feel like an inconvenience to my parents. As I was born at a stage in their lives when they were able to have more freedom along came me, a late in life baby. They had no time for me,busy with their own lives, leaving me with my sisters to contend with. And also knowing that they (my sisters) themselves didn't want to be bothered, after all they were in High School, and wanted to do what girls their age were doing. Don't get me wrong, I know my sisters loved me, but still I was pushed on them which at times cause great discord. My mother purposely worked nights and slept through the day while my siblings were at school. This gave me a lot of time on my hands, walking the streets waiting for the school kids to get out so I would have someone to play with. I can't even imagine letting one of my children at that age out on their own! But there I was able to wonder wherever I wanted to roam while my mother slept.
I had more freedom in my young life than a child should ever have had! I was lonely, but unable to express it. I remember a house just a block behind mine where an older man lived. After awhile he took notice in the fact that I was always wondering the neighborhood alone, and he finally spoke to me. What a relief, someone was giving me attention, something to do, and I so desperately wanted, no needed some attention. He was a nice man, but after awhile although young, I started to feel that his desire to befriend me was just as much for him as it was for me. Looking back on it now, although I didn't understand the concept at the time, I felt sorry for him. It was as if we were two lost souls looking for acceptance and attention. As we grew closer, talking on the front porch somehow my mother heard of our friendship and stopped me from visiting him. This made me angry because I felt that she didn't have time for me, yet at the same time she didn't want me to have anyone else. She never explained why, just that I was not to go there again...if only she would have been truthful with me maybe what happened to me later in life would never have happened!
I have so much more to share with you, so much more, but I feel this is where I should end for now. I felt you needed this background information about me, as it is important for you to understand why I was such an easy prey...because I was an inconvenience!
It says in the Bible that Mary (who was carrying Jesus) approached Martha and the baby within Martha leaped in her womb. Later we discover that this baby was John the baptist who preached of the coming Messiah (Jesus Christ). I wonder to myself, if that unborn child which Martha was carrying could sense the Messiah ...is it possible that in my mother womb I could sense the rejection and disappointment that my mother felt when she learned of her pregnancy with me?
In this search for my truth in reclaiming my life, did the ultimate betrayal that I kept hidden in my secret place happen because of my desire to be wanted and loved? And if so, did it start at conception? Did I receive a spirit of rejection in my mothers womb that ultimately led to the HELL that awaited me later?
I had more freedom in my young life than a child should ever have had! I was lonely, but unable to express it. I remember a house just a block behind mine where an older man lived. After awhile he took notice in the fact that I was always wondering the neighborhood alone, and he finally spoke to me. What a relief, someone was giving me attention, something to do, and I so desperately wanted, no needed some attention. He was a nice man, but after awhile although young, I started to feel that his desire to befriend me was just as much for him as it was for me. Looking back on it now, although I didn't understand the concept at the time, I felt sorry for him. It was as if we were two lost souls looking for acceptance and attention. As we grew closer, talking on the front porch somehow my mother heard of our friendship and stopped me from visiting him. This made me angry because I felt that she didn't have time for me, yet at the same time she didn't want me to have anyone else. She never explained why, just that I was not to go there again...if only she would have been truthful with me maybe what happened to me later in life would never have happened!
I have so much more to share with you, so much more, but I feel this is where I should end for now. I felt you needed this background information about me, as it is important for you to understand why I was such an easy prey...because I was an inconvenience!
It says in the Bible that Mary (who was carrying Jesus) approached Martha and the baby within Martha leaped in her womb. Later we discover that this baby was John the baptist who preached of the coming Messiah (Jesus Christ). I wonder to myself, if that unborn child which Martha was carrying could sense the Messiah ...is it possible that in my mother womb I could sense the rejection and disappointment that my mother felt when she learned of her pregnancy with me?
In this search for my truth in reclaiming my life, did the ultimate betrayal that I kept hidden in my secret place happen because of my desire to be wanted and loved? And if so, did it start at conception? Did I receive a spirit of rejection in my mothers womb that ultimately led to the HELL that awaited me later?
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