A Late In Life Inconvenience

I feel you need a little background information about me before I divulge more of the private hell I have endured as a child. Let me begin at the age of three. I have always known that I was an unwanted pregnancy, which made me feel like an inconvenience to my parents. As I was born at a stage in their lives when they were able to have more freedom along came me, a late in life baby. They had no time for me,busy with their own lives, leaving me with my sisters to contend with. And also knowing that they (my sisters) themselves didn't want to be bothered, after all they were in High School, and wanted to do what girls their age were doing. Don't get me wrong, I know my sisters loved me, but still I was pushed on them which at times cause great discord. My mother purposely worked nights and slept through the day while my siblings were at school. This gave me a lot of time on my hands, walking the streets waiting for the school kids to get out so I would have someone to play with. I can't even imagine letting one of my children at that age out on their own! But there I was able to wonder wherever I wanted to roam while my mother slept.

I had more freedom in my young life than a child should ever have had! I was lonely, but unable to express it. I remember a house just a block behind mine where an older man lived. After awhile he took notice in the fact that I was always wondering the neighborhood alone, and he finally spoke to me. What a relief, someone was giving me attention, something to do, and I so desperately wanted, no needed some attention. He was a nice man, but after awhile although young, I started to feel that his desire to befriend me was just as much for him as it was for me. Looking back on it now, although I didn't understand the concept at the time, I felt sorry for him. It was as if we were two lost souls looking for acceptance and attention. As we grew closer, talking on the front porch somehow my mother heard of our friendship and stopped me from visiting him. This made me angry because I felt that she didn't have time for me, yet at the same time she didn't want me to have anyone else. She  never explained why, just that I was not to go there again...if only she would have been truthful with me maybe what happened to me later in life would  never have happened!

I have so much more to share with you, so much more, but I feel this is where I should end for now. I felt you needed this background information about me, as it is important for you to understand why I was such an easy prey...because I was an  inconvenience!

It says in the Bible that Mary (who was carrying Jesus) approached Martha and the baby within Martha leaped in her womb. Later we discover that this baby was John the baptist who preached of the coming Messiah (Jesus Christ). I wonder to myself, if that unborn child which Martha was carrying could sense the Messiah ...is it possible that in my mother womb I could sense the rejection and disappointment that my mother felt when she learned of her pregnancy with me?

In this search for my truth in reclaiming my life, did the ultimate betrayal that I kept hidden in my secret place happen because of my desire to be wanted and loved? And if so, did it start at conception? Did I receive a spirit of rejection in my mothers womb that ultimately led to the  HELL that awaited me later?