Shadow Boxing

Just when I think I have overcome ... the shadows start creeping back into my mind.  YES, I have experienced a trigger that has my mind racing. The type that take you down to ground level, and it has me shadow boxing AGAIN! You know the one? It causes  the " what ifs", the" how comes" and "whys". At times I feel so strong and then the shadows of a time past come flooding my brain. I wish I was a person free from my past. I try, and at times I think I succeed. Then... the shadows come back and I realize I'm living in a fog. A fog I keep trying to get out of. I feel  all is well, and then  suddenly I see that little girl still trying to escape her past. I'm going to confess something...I LIVE IN FEAR! I fear for my grandchildren, for ALL children. I worry that I see more into situations than I should. I dissect  every situation, try to read peoples intentions and basically look for monsters under the bed.

How did I get this far in life? I can't believe I'm in my late fifties and have lived all these years with such a heaviness in my being. Even as I type this, my mind tells me to stop, to keep confessing that I'm alright. That I can handle anything that comes my way. however, the truth is, I'm still that scared little girl, looking for acceptance and love. Still expecting that childhood dream  of the mystical knight in shining armor  to come to my rescue. An emotional rescue.     I feel I need to confess that I am wounded, I do have scars from hurtful people. Some whom meant me harm and some whom did not! I cry out to God and He hears me say " I HAVE GOT TO LET IT GO!!!" "God, help me let it go." I have no answers. I trust in the Lord, I truly do. I know Jesus is my emotional rescuer!   However here I am, trying to overcome the shadows... again.

I hate that I was robbed of my innocence at a young age.  I hate that I made wrong decisions because of my abuse. I hate that people still cover up abuse of all kinds, but especially sexual abuse. And ...  WHY,  do people think about saving the abuser and not the victims!!? For an example, the recent allegations of a well known actor/icon!   I'm tired of being victimized all over again! You see, that's what happens when victims hear of someone being sexually abused.  We feel victimized  all over again. The smells, the scenery, hurt and pain happens all over again.

I cry out to those of you whom have been mistreated by people of authority and say...YOU  are not alone! We are not alone, although I know at times it feels as if  we are. All I can do is pray... pray for those who have been abused.... pray for a depraved world!  I'm so very very tired, tired of filling sad, tired of filling mad, but mostly I am tired of the bull shit, cover ups and sick ass people who defend the predators who pry on the innocent!!! And I'm especially tired of those whom judge others for stepping forward YEARS after their abuse has occurred. It takes time, much strength, courage and an exceptional support group, because sadly there will always skeptics.

 May what is done in the dark be brought to the light and the evil be exposed.