Just As I Am

I'm sitting here thinking about when I began writing my blogs, how scared I was that no one would understand and yes...I even thought some  of you would  think I of was attention seeking! Now I realize it has become a necessity!! I don't know how I kept all this in for so many years. Here I am, a grown woman and in some aspects still a small child. I think about the really important things that were back in my life and wish I had a do over. Then I suddenly realize that if maybe, just maybe  I had never been abused I would have done a lot of things different. I've said it once and I'll say it again, people say you should never have regrets. I say to myself, "how can I NOT  have regrets?" Did I want someone to abuse me? Absolutely not! So yes, I regret all of this stuff that has happened to me!! However, I know God will work it all toward the good for me and for you.

I wonder about abusers? What makes a man/woman think of a child so sexually? I know all the reasons given for such behavior, but still, being the victim and knowing how a victim feels, I still have to wonder! How do they justify their actions? Even physical abuse, a man shakes his six weeks old baby girl until her brain is damaged!!!! I use to care for people whom had grown and were adults, but had no great quality of life because of actions such as shaking, and throwing them against a wall.  I look at my soon to be two month old grandson and think...how can someone do such a thing? My heart cries out for that child and more like them. It happens often you know?

I'll be fifty six soon and I confess that I live on red alert for my grandchildren. The parents get mad because I make comments concerning their safety, but I can't help it. I know they are being well watched, but still I can't help it! I don't mean to insult their abilities as a mother, I simply can't help it!! The thought of one of my grandchildren ever going through what I have, sickens me to the core. The thought of my children being assaulted sickens me to the core. I don't want one more child to EVER feel the way I've felt all these years. But that's unrealistic I know!

I ponder on my Heavenly Father. He knows all things before it happens, why did it ever have to happen? I know the answers to those questions, you see I have the head knowledge, but I still don't have the heart knowledge. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame God. I know why humans have a sinful nature. Not every wrong thing I did can I completely blame on the abuse. I also had choices that I hold myself accountable for, some decisions I made out of PRIDE! It does say "Pride goth before the fall". Well that's certainly the truth.

Oh I could on and on and on and ON, but there is no need for it anymore. I've come into a happier place. I'm understanding that you don't always have to be perfect to be accepted. I'm slowly but surely understanding the acceptance of self. That's a victory, REALLY  it is! The family and friends I love don't profess to be perfect and I love them JUST the way they are. They may make me mad, but still I love them. I truly care for the well being. And as for myself? It is what it is, plain and simply. Sometimes life throws you some lemons....bad lemons. However, one can choose to either just sit there and let them rot, of make some good old lemonade. I'm ready for the lemonade!

I'm not saying that every once in awhile I won't have a difficult day, but I feel like I'm on the mend. And I encourage YOU the reader, if you're at the end of yourself, and you know what I mean. Please, comment to me, I'll return your questions or testimonies with a comment. I know how important it is sometimes to vent. VENT to me, I'm here. Nope, I do not have a P.H.D., so I don't know all the answers, but I can listen and tell you how I feel. I want to be the listening ear I never had. Anonymous is fine, we're all just faces in a world full of danger.

I'm going to try and be more upbeat with my blogs. So if you begin to notice that I'm not just focusing on abuse, rejection, etc. it's because I'm learning to accept me. The good, the bad, the ugly...me! However, I do have a weapon on my side and He is Jesus. Those of you who do not know Him, you really should give HIM a try, you won't be disappointed. Not in Jesus, In humans YES, but not Jesus. Those of you whom are Christians, we all need to have a more intimate relationship with Him. I've noticed that since writing these blogs and sharing my love for Jesus, I've started to change inside. Will the wounds always be there? Only time will tell, after all this is new for me. I've never experienced this kind of acceptance towards myself. One thing I do know, I always have Jesus, maybe not as close as He would have liked me to be YET, but He has always waited for me. HE'S waiting for YOU too.

Yes, I believe I'm beginning to reclaim my life. I'm not stupid enough not to know there is still a hill to climb, but at least I'm climbing. I'm now moving forward instead of backwards. I may stumble, but I know I'm capable of getting up, brushing myself off and starting all over again. And I give God the glory. Just as I am, I come but not alone, with Jesus.