Poof, You're Gone But Not Forgotten

Where does one begin with this topic? I have sought God to help me with the words, I have asked God if I should even write these words! All I know is that all that has happened to me in my life has shaped and manipulated as well as corrupted my thinking process. Even as I write these blogs, I know that I haven't healed and may never heal completely, although God is trying to help bring  me through this nightmare.

I have made awful choices in my life, destructive choices, choices that effected others, but at the time I didn't care. I wish I could tell you that during this time I didn't know Jesus Christ, that I hadn't accepted Him as my Lord and Savior, but that would be a lie. I was "born  again" at the age of ten and yes it was real. I knew Him as my Savior, but I didn't know Him as my Father, Comforter, Healer, and certainly NOT as a Mighty Counselor.

Before I go any further God spoke this scripture to me so that I could feel a freedom to share this intense subject. Romans 8: 1 "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit". In the Webster dictionary, "condemnation" means, To find to be wrong; to show the guilt; to announce judgement upon; to officially declare unfit for use. Although I have asked for forgiveness and know the Lord has forgiven me, how can I forgive myself? I still struggle with condemnation!

I'd love to be able to justify my actions, but there is no justification for abortion!! Not only have I experienced it, but I've taken another to do so. I needed to call upon my Counselor, but at the time I didn't look upon Him like that, maybe my  love for self kept me blinded. I would love to be able to play the blame game, but in all honesty there is NO ONE to blame but me, myself and I.

In the era I grew up in, people tried to justify these actions by saying as women we have a right to choose what goes on in our body, we still have many who think like that! I'm just curious to know that if these women would have ever had an abortion, would they still feel the same? Could they have gone on living with it day in and day out afterwards? There was another young girl at the time that was going to abort her baby at the same time with me, but her family found out and stopped her...thank God! I see that child and to this day wonder what if? How my heart aches for what I put my unborn baby through! Maybe I was a late in life inconvenience, but at least I had a chance at life. What chance did my child have and even more important, what would that child have become, what mark would he/she have made in this world? If at conception the baby is not alive, then why does it have to be killed? Because at conception it is a thriving, undeveloped human being and that's just the plain facts! The baby IS alive!! However, I got on an airplane at the age of fifteen, flew to New York and returned the same day...POOF...the baby was gone!! How convenient for ME! ME! ME! ME! It was all about ME!

Now, how do I justify this...in church they say justify means just as if it didn't happen... but it did! Everyday I think how, why, what if, what for and where do I go now? When I read about the right we as women are to have over our bodies, I always wonder, what about the right of the child? What about the right to peace of mind...because I was never counseled on how to live with this knowledge that I killed a baby. I harbor such grief and disdain for myself over this. The guilt I feel toward the girl I took to the abortion clinic still haunts me. It's like a cancer gnawing at my guts.

I've always read in scripture that king David had a heart towards God, a pure heart. Yet he saw Bathsheba (who was married) bathing and when he looked upon her he found her to be beautiful in his sight(he had lust for her). King David sent for her and slept with her. Later she tells him that she is pregnant. King David tried everything to get her husband to lay with his wife, even bringing him home from battle. However, Uriah was a honorable man, and because his friends/tribesmen were in battle, he felt it wrong to have comfort and chose to sleep at the door of the king's house, and when David realized that this man was going to be honorable and not sleep with Bathsheba, David sent him to the front lines knowing full well he would be killed. Therefore leaving Bathsheba to mourn her husband for awhile but then free to become David's wife. Which was displeasing to God. David knew this man would die, and sent him intentionally to the battle field so that he could get out of the mess he created with Bathsheba and be free to have this man's wife. After awhile David repented and was forgiven, but he intentionally murdered a man for his gain and yet God still forgave him. Why do I find it so hard to accept that God will do that for me?

I just don't think I should get off that easy, but that is what grace is all about. Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me, I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now I see. I'm so terribly sorry for my sins. Jesus says, if we confess our sins and turn away from them, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins. I'm sure some of you reading this understand exactly what I am going through, while others find what I have written irrelevant. For those of you who feel the anguish of knowing you killed a human being, I feel your pain. I have no answers, only to say that I too feel the guilt and can only leave you with this scripture...

Hebrews 13:5 >Let your character or moral disposition be free from the love of money---(including)greed, avarice, lust and craving for earthly possessions---and be satisfied with your present (circumstances and with what you have); for He (God) Himself has said, "I will not in any way fail you, nor give you up, nor leave you without support. (I will) not, (I will) not, (I will) not in any degree leave you helpless, nor forsake, nor let (you) down, nor (relax My hold on you). Assuredly not!"

God tells us over and over that He loves us and will not leave us nor forsake us. I know all to well that it seems to easy to be forgiven for such a sin. However, it is man who puts a degree on sin, for in God's sight, sin is sin with the exception of the unpardonable sin which is to deny Jesus Christ.  My prayer for those of us whom have participated in this atrocity is that we find peace, love and an assurance of His forgiveness, loving kindness and His acceptance. May we find His saving grace!!