Crying In The Dark

I have prayed for direction on how to write this blog, for I need guidance on how to word this as to not bring hurt to anyone. You see I am happily married now to a wonderful man and in no way is this meant to cause him to doubt my love for him, for I truly feel God sent him to me and I love him.

 Doctors say that when you are a child, your brain is still in the process of growing and so your thought process, your ability for reasoning is undeveloped. So I humbly ask you to please keep this in mind as I share what I consider my first rejection of love from a boy friend. The reason that I feel this important to share, is to show yet another way sexual abuse can warp your mind. I have struggled far too long with trust issues and am only now beginning to fully understand why my life went so wrong back in my younger years.

As most of us did, we have gone through a first love. For those whom have been following my blogs, you may remember me asking the question, could I ever love or trust anyone? Well, after my experiences with the abuse I endured, I thought I had found someone that I could trust and love. We had a special relationship, full of laughter, special moments together, dancing, talking and sharing our problems. Yes, I thought it was love but most of all I had found a "male" whom I thought was my best friend. Did I tell him about my abuse? No, because I was a shamed of what he would think of me, but we share everything else.

He was wonderful boy. Not only was he good looking, but he was kind, and fun and very caring. His life wasn't all roses and he was a hard worker. He had a paper route and mowed grass, he was far from lazy and he treated me like I was special. I received wonderful gifts from him, for the first time in my life he made Valentines Day, Birthdays and Christmas very special. One gift I have to this day. He played basketball and I was a cheerleader, mainly  his cheerleader. I adored the ground he walked on and felt the feeling was mutual. I had fully believed in our relationship and in my innocence truly believed that someday we would be married. That's how devoted to him  I was. I thought I'd finally found someone who truly loved me for me and as far as I felt, the very gates of hell wouldn't prevail against our love. I had him high on a pedestal believing that our love was that  "pure" love I had longed for. You see I sought purity so desperately!! I wanted to feel pure!

One day HELL came knocking at my door, because he had been advised to break up with me and experience the world. This took me from the highest mountain top to the deaths of despair. My life was shattered! Now most of you have gone through this in your life time and bounced right back, however for someone who has gone through the kinds of abuse that I had endured, it took me to a whole different level. For the first time in my life, I no longer cared about my friends, most of them wanted my boy friend anyway, and to be perfectly frank, I couldn't hang in the circle of friends we both had because I couldn't stand to watch him with other girls. After awhile he decided he wanted to try again, but by that time I had heard some much, that this "pure" love I had held so close to my heart I now thought was gone. For ME the "PURENESS" had been taken from me. I had been told he had given himself to someone else! So I rebelled, I made a new circle of friends and was determined to never let anyone hurt me again...on the contrary...I would be the one who would do the hurting. And I hurt many people!

During that time I think I tried every drug that was out there with the exception of heroin (I was too scared of needles) or else I probably would have. Back then we didn't have crack cocaine or methylene to my knowledge...thank God! I was promiscuous, after all why not, I had been used and abused and it was time for me to be the abuser. I had no respect for myself much less anyone else, and frankly I didn't give a damn. I was on a path of destruction and looking back on it now, I think I wanted to self destruct. I was miserable with myself, I couldn't let go of the past and deep down inside I wanted so much to return to my first love. By that time he had a girl friend and naturally I knew he would never want me now...not now!!

So I went on with my life, drinking, drugging and giving myself to whomever I felt like. I realize now I was just trying to mask the pain of abuse, abandonment, and rejection. I had good men come and go in my life, but I wouldn't have recognized it for I felt so hurt and betrayed, so damaged. I can't tell you the number of times I cried myself to sleep during those dark ages. I did finally marry and had three beautiful daughters and guarded them with my life, until my marriage fell apart. I place no blame on anyone for it was my own dissatisfaction that was the demise of my marriage. However that's a whole other subject altogether.

You see even though I wasn't being abused by anyone anymore, I had become my own abuser. It was like a person who liked cutting themselves, they do it because the pain they feel is so great inside that they have to release it through self mutilation. I was determined to sabotage my life because I felt unworthy to have a fulfilling, wonderful life. I eventually left the hard drugs alone, but continued with the drinking, marijuana and promiscuous behavior. It is only by the grace of God that I am able to write these words down and share my experiences with you. I was on a path of life long unhappiness and if it were not for God sending my husband into my life, who knows what would have happened to me!

Are you out there in this world, wondering in the darkness, feeling depressed, unwanted, unworthy? Do you feel like trash and allow men/women to soil you, or even deluding yourself into thinking that you are the one trashing the man/woman? Are you allowing drugs and alcohol to dull your senses just so you can make it through another day? Is pain, anxiety, the feeling of suffocating getting to be to much? Do you feel like death is better than living? Well, I've been there, felt that, and have even came close to accomplishing death...except there was one BIG  reason that kept me from it...my belief in GOD. JESUS  said He would never leave us nor forsake us.

I know that Jesus never caused these terrible things to happen to me, nor did my boy friend  intentionally try to hurt me . After all, we were young and suppose to explore life. Why these things happened to me, I will never know. I only know that they did and now I have to decide what I am going to do about it? Am I going to let it continue to defeat me or am I going to overcome it? It's my choice as it is yours. I have chose to overcome as I hope you will also. I encourage you to put your trust in the Lord with your whole heart. As we continue on this journey allow Jesus to be your peace, Ephesians 2:14.

Proverbs 3:5,6  Lean on, trust and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him,and He shall direct and make straight and plain your paths.

I truly feel God has had me write these experiences to not only help set me free, but for YOU who is out there crying in the dark! Won't you please trust me and respond to me in a comment? Together with the help of our Heavenly Father we can get through this together. What? You say you don't believe in God? Then let us work together to overcome your pain through sharing our experiences together. You can remain anonymous, just take that step of exposing the shame, a shame that you shouldn't carry any longer. For it's not your fault. You can only changed what you are willing to acknowledge. I promise you...  it will be the start of reclaiming your life!