It's Hard To Forgive Lord

It's sad to say, but I have to be truthful, I was relieved when my abuser died. Thinking about it over the past few days I have wondered, did he ever know Jesus? Was he in a bondage of hell of his own? Had he also come from a life of abuse? Over the years I have read and listened to people say that most abuser are victims of abuse themselves. This may sound strange coming from me, but I hope in  my abuser last breath he cried out for forgiveness and his soul was saved.

 When ask how many times a person should forgive, I always refer to Matthew 18:21 & 22 [Then came  Peter to Him, (Jesus) and said, Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him, seven times?  Jesus said unto him, I say unto thee, not seven times: but seventy times seven]  That's a lot of forgiveness. And in all honesty it has been hard to forgive this man, yet how can I expect Jesus to forgive me, if I'm not willing to forgive him, no matter how awful the sin and how traumatic the experience was for me. How can I truly be set free, unless I am willing to free myself from this anger and hatred.

As I continue this journey, of reclaiming my life, there will be many times that I will have to ponder this question. In the Webster Dictionary the definition of forgive which is a verb, (a verb is an action word)  means To pardon; to give up resentment of; to cease to feel resentment against. That's a hard pill to swallow, especially when it has altered ones life. Yet I must take action to do so, this I know.

To every action there is a reaction, and as you will read in later blogs to come, my actions have cause reactions that I am not proud of and has also caused me much pain because of my poor decisions concerning relationships. I have lost a lot in my life and have endured more abuse and have felt severe rejection, but I will write about that another time.

My purpose for writing this particular blog, is to reveal that forgiveness is the key to beginning a normal life. And I know that all abused victims desire a normalcy, we strive to feel whole, complete, to feel that we are without blemish. I truly feel through this journey those who continue to follow my blog that we will find our final destination without spot or blemish.

However, in order to accomplish this we must strive to begin to heal through forgiveness. God's word states in Ephesians 4:31 & 32 [Let all bitterness and wrath, anger, clamour and evil speaking, be put away from you with all malice. And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you.]

I realize that this will be difficult to do, some may say impossible. Therefore instead of saying I can or will do this, let's just begin to try and to say to the Lord "make me willing to be willing". You see, I say I forgive, but then I find myself fighting these awful feeling again. That's right, at times I'm right back where I started from, but I am willing to be made willing to forgive, in Jesus Name, Amen.