It's a known fact that sharks smell blood in the water and swim straight to it. Just when I thought it was safe to feel freedom, the shark must have smelled blood because another abuser came into my life. As I go back into my mind that's what I see, a shark swimming around me, her fin sticking out of the water getting closer and closer until the attack! Yes, I said she remember a molester does not have to be a male. I knew freedom for about three years and then a new babysitter came into my life.
As usual my parents worked weekends and the lady who had taken care of me had become ill and wasn't able to watch me any longer. My hope was that my mom would stop working weekends and stay home, but that wasn't happening and now I had a new babysitter. At first like most abusers she was nice, letting me watch programs I liked and giving me freedom to play with kids when they were around. I actually thought she was cool. She was in her senior year of High School and would watch me after school until my mom came home and then always on the weekends. However, she liked the boys, mostly "hoods" that's what rebellious kids were called back in my day.
On the weekends I would have to stay with her Friday night, Saturday night, and all day Sunday. I also had to sleep in the same bed with her, I hated that and I never understood why since there was another bedroom. However, that was the rule and therefore I obeyed. In her house was a basement and in one corner of the basement was an area that had a curtain around it with a mattress on the floor. I always thought it was strange but never really gave it that much thought. I liked going in the basement, we played music, danced and sang, those were fun times. One day the fun stopped and again the HELL began.
"Come over here Debbie and give me a message, my back hurts" she said. I was always giving my big brother messages so I thought nothing of it. Then she told me to start rubbing her in personal spots and I said NO. She told me that if I didn't do as she said she would tell my mom I was bad then I would be grounded from playing with the kids after school and would have to stay in her house all the time. She became mean and the look in her eyes scared me, so although I hated it, I touched her where ever she told me to. It started to happen more often, and at times would occur in my parents own bed. OH, how I hated the control she had over me. I was her puppet and she was pulling the strings, this went on for one long year.
I can remember sitting and watching Lassie on Sunday evenings and when Lassie would put her paw up at the end of the show, silent tears would fall down my face. Partly because I wished that Lassie could save me, and also because I knew my mom would be coming to get me soon. My babysitter would laugh at me and call me a baby. To this day when I watch an old episode of Lassie, the memories come flooding back.
Silly me, I thought I was safe when I heard a girl was going to watch me. That's when I learned that gender plays no part in sexual abuse. It matters not whether you are the victim or the abuser, gender has no boundries. I would wonder what I had done that was so wrong for my life to be so ugly and dark!
As my babysitter was getting ready for graduation, I was informed that she wouldn't be watching me any longer. Hallelujah, I was excited. My abuser was going to be gone and maybe just maybe my mom would be staying home with me. But that was not to be, for yet again I was on my way to a new sitter. What awaited me, I didn't know. I had learned not to be excited about anything anymore, and was so broken inside that whatever was going to happen to me was my own HELL to deal with.
I begged my mom to stay home with me, but she said she needed to work. My parents owned two taverns at that time and she was responsibile for one, or so she said. You know my mother was raised in church, but while she was working she didn't go so neither did I. Oh, I was told about God and sang the songs such as "Jesus Loves the Little Children" and every now and then my older sister would take me to church. I loved the feeling I had when I went to church, I felt so clean afterwards. When I would hear teaching where Jesus said "suffer the little children to come unto me", I always thought it meant the children who were suffering and in my young mind I wondered why Jesus didn't come to me. He was there, I know that now, but my parents were more involved with making money. I just wish they had read the word in Proverbs 28:20 [A faithful man shall abound with blessings: but he that maketh haste to be rich shall not be innocent].
I can't help but feel they had a hand in my abuse by not being there, by not caring when I cried and begged them not to leave me. I'm sure now that if I would have just told them what was happening, they would have put a stop to it. However, I'm not so sure if my mom would have stopped working or just found me another babysitter. Silence is an abusers best friend. I had many babysitters in my young life, not all of them sexually abused me, but some were cruel and one put me through a different HELL. I'll have to leave that story for another time, for I'm too weary to share it now this story has left me depleted.
However, I must tell you I am feeling lighter as I reclaim my life. I leave you with this verse that is a promise I stand on from Philippians 1:6 [I am sure that God who began the good work in you will keep on helping you grow in His grace until His task within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns].
Showing posts with label Sexual Abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sexual Abuse. Show all posts
Monday, January 30, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Come Into My Parlor Said The Spider To The Fly
It was a beautiful warm sunny day in June. I had just turned 5 years old and was excited that we had moved into a new neighborhood. I could see all around me many kids to play with, but since I was the new kid on the block I was ignored. That wasn't going to stop me, after all I already had some survival skills and being the extrovert that I am, I walked right up and introduced myself. However these kids were not going to make it easy for me, so needless to say my first couple of days were no fun! Little by little I began to make headway and before long I was part of the gang. Every morning the first kid out would give his/her unique signal letting the other kids know that the day was ready to begin. My mother would this "the call of the wild". What would we do today? Play kick ball, ride bikes, hopscotch, jax, red light green light, I could go on and on, all I knew was there were kids everywhere, it was like a kids heaven. You see we moved from Walnut street which was our main street in town with a total of one kid to play with, so you can see why I thought I was in heaven.
Unknown to me while we played there was a older man who would sit on his front porch and watch us kids run up and down the street. He would always say hi and in return we would greet him back as we would run past him. One day he came out on his porch with Popsicle's as we approached and asked us all if we wanted one. Well, what kid ever turned down a Popsicle, certainly not me and neither did anyone else. Before long it became a habit with him, he would see us playing across the street in this empty field and would beckon us over with Popsicle's. Before long he had us all sitting on his porch talking and joking with us. We all thought he was nice and for awhile he was nice.
One weekend all my friends seemed to have places to go and since my parents worked on the weekend I would stay at a neighbors house for the whole weekend. I had nothing to do, and was skipping along down the street when the man with the Popsicle's came out with one for me. We laughed for awhile as I sucked on the tasty treat and before long I had finished it. He asked if I would like another one, which of course I did, but this time he asked me to come in. I had nothing better to do so I went in. I still can smell his house in my mind, it was musty and stale but my mind was on that Popsicle. This time instead of going back on the porch he asked if I wanted to watch some cartoons and since nobody was around to play with, I said yes. We talked and laughed at the cartoons, I had a great time however it was getting late in the day so I left and went back to my babysitters house. Her daughter was older than me and seemed jealous of the time her mother would give me and therefore treated me mean. I hated staying there.
Soon another weekend would come around and my friends were either camping with their families or doing something and again I would find myself alone with nothing but time on my hands and nobody to play with, except for the older man who always had a supply of Popsicle's. It got to be a habit, me and him on the weekends talking, watching cartoons, he actually enjoyed spending time with me. Little did I know just how much fun he had planned for me. He nurtured me and had gained my trust and I thought he was my friend.
It was August almost time for me to begin kindergarten and another weekend approached. You see the kids were always around during the week, but on the weekends they would do special things with their parents while mine worked! Back to the babysitter I would go, dreading every minute of it, but I had my buddy the man with the Popsicle's, he would play with me. I had no idea just what kind of games he wanted to play, but that weekend I soon found out! He called me into his bedroom, he said he had something to show me and brought down a box. In the box were pictures of naked men and women and being young as well as inquisitive I giggled and laughed, something inside of me liked looking at them. Then it happened, he touched me in places I knew that were wrong, my heart beating out of my chest, I can still feel how hard my heart was beating still to this day!! I was so little and afraid, I was paralyzed with fear and it was as if I was out of my body watching and feeling things that I didn't want, but was too scared to stop. He took his clothes off and would rub on me and as bad as this sounds after awhile it began to feel good. I thought bad girl, bad bad girl! Nasty, dirty little girl don't you darn tell, for if I did he will say I wanted it, it was all my fault. And if I didn't come back, he would tell all my friends what we did and nobody would be able to play with the nasty, dirty little girl!!!
I can't tell you how long this continued to happen for my mind seemed to turn off as I became numb. I would go back to my house or the babysitters and bathe trying to rub the dirt and smell off of me. Why did I allow him to keep me in his web of deceit? In my mind I was that nasty, dirty little girl who had heard the saying "come into my parlor said the spider to the fly" only now I knew just what that saying meant, I was the fly and he was the spider and I was caught in his web!!!
This continued until one day I came home from kindergarten and heard my mom talking to the nieghbor and they were talking about someone who had died. I later learned it was the SPIDER and I was free from his web. I was FREE and no one would ever know about me the nasty, dirty little girl! I finally had no worries, or so I thought, because although I was free from him, there lay waiting another SPIDER only I was unaware of it, that was to come later.
I've since learned that it's not uncommon for a young child to be aroused or the cunning ways a pedophile works. This was a text book example. Parents pay attention to your children and who they surround theirselves with. Notice adults that want to spend an unusual amount of time with them. Don't count on them to tell you when bad things happen to them. Their minds are not equiped with rationalization, especial when lies and fear engulf them.
And to the survivors of such hideous assaults, as hard as it is to do, forgive your abusers. For in continuing the hate it only hurts YOU. In the Bible if you go to John 10:10 it says "The thief comes to steal, kill, and destory. I (Jesus) have come that you may have life, and that you may have it more abundantly " It's hard to understand why evil things happen to us, but we must be careful not to let the THIEF steal our life, he's had it for way to long...RECLAIM YOUR LIFE for Jesus is waiting to give you abundant life.
Unknown to me while we played there was a older man who would sit on his front porch and watch us kids run up and down the street. He would always say hi and in return we would greet him back as we would run past him. One day he came out on his porch with Popsicle's as we approached and asked us all if we wanted one. Well, what kid ever turned down a Popsicle, certainly not me and neither did anyone else. Before long it became a habit with him, he would see us playing across the street in this empty field and would beckon us over with Popsicle's. Before long he had us all sitting on his porch talking and joking with us. We all thought he was nice and for awhile he was nice.
One weekend all my friends seemed to have places to go and since my parents worked on the weekend I would stay at a neighbors house for the whole weekend. I had nothing to do, and was skipping along down the street when the man with the Popsicle's came out with one for me. We laughed for awhile as I sucked on the tasty treat and before long I had finished it. He asked if I would like another one, which of course I did, but this time he asked me to come in. I had nothing better to do so I went in. I still can smell his house in my mind, it was musty and stale but my mind was on that Popsicle. This time instead of going back on the porch he asked if I wanted to watch some cartoons and since nobody was around to play with, I said yes. We talked and laughed at the cartoons, I had a great time however it was getting late in the day so I left and went back to my babysitters house. Her daughter was older than me and seemed jealous of the time her mother would give me and therefore treated me mean. I hated staying there.
Soon another weekend would come around and my friends were either camping with their families or doing something and again I would find myself alone with nothing but time on my hands and nobody to play with, except for the older man who always had a supply of Popsicle's. It got to be a habit, me and him on the weekends talking, watching cartoons, he actually enjoyed spending time with me. Little did I know just how much fun he had planned for me. He nurtured me and had gained my trust and I thought he was my friend.
It was August almost time for me to begin kindergarten and another weekend approached. You see the kids were always around during the week, but on the weekends they would do special things with their parents while mine worked! Back to the babysitter I would go, dreading every minute of it, but I had my buddy the man with the Popsicle's, he would play with me. I had no idea just what kind of games he wanted to play, but that weekend I soon found out! He called me into his bedroom, he said he had something to show me and brought down a box. In the box were pictures of naked men and women and being young as well as inquisitive I giggled and laughed, something inside of me liked looking at them. Then it happened, he touched me in places I knew that were wrong, my heart beating out of my chest, I can still feel how hard my heart was beating still to this day!! I was so little and afraid, I was paralyzed with fear and it was as if I was out of my body watching and feeling things that I didn't want, but was too scared to stop. He took his clothes off and would rub on me and as bad as this sounds after awhile it began to feel good. I thought bad girl, bad bad girl! Nasty, dirty little girl don't you darn tell, for if I did he will say I wanted it, it was all my fault. And if I didn't come back, he would tell all my friends what we did and nobody would be able to play with the nasty, dirty little girl!!!
I can't tell you how long this continued to happen for my mind seemed to turn off as I became numb. I would go back to my house or the babysitters and bathe trying to rub the dirt and smell off of me. Why did I allow him to keep me in his web of deceit? In my mind I was that nasty, dirty little girl who had heard the saying "come into my parlor said the spider to the fly" only now I knew just what that saying meant, I was the fly and he was the spider and I was caught in his web!!!
This continued until one day I came home from kindergarten and heard my mom talking to the nieghbor and they were talking about someone who had died. I later learned it was the SPIDER and I was free from his web. I was FREE and no one would ever know about me the nasty, dirty little girl! I finally had no worries, or so I thought, because although I was free from him, there lay waiting another SPIDER only I was unaware of it, that was to come later.
I've since learned that it's not uncommon for a young child to be aroused or the cunning ways a pedophile works. This was a text book example. Parents pay attention to your children and who they surround theirselves with. Notice adults that want to spend an unusual amount of time with them. Don't count on them to tell you when bad things happen to them. Their minds are not equiped with rationalization, especial when lies and fear engulf them.
And to the survivors of such hideous assaults, as hard as it is to do, forgive your abusers. For in continuing the hate it only hurts YOU. In the Bible if you go to John 10:10 it says "The thief comes to steal, kill, and destory. I (Jesus) have come that you may have life, and that you may have it more abundantly " It's hard to understand why evil things happen to us, but we must be careful not to let the THIEF steal our life, he's had it for way to long...RECLAIM YOUR LIFE for Jesus is waiting to give you abundant life.
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