Reading Road Maps In The Dark

I realize I have laid dormant for many years. As I look back on my life, it's almost as if I've watched it from outside of my body. Here I am, soon to be 56 years old and other than my children, what do I have to show for it? I wasted my years wondering mindlessly in the dark. Fooling myself into thinking I was doing terrific when all along I was fooling people around me as well as myself.

I should have gone to college, but I wasn't encouraged to do so. I look at all my friends have accomplished and wonder why didn't I have that drive? I know it's never too late to go to college, but my desire is not there. What is my purpose Lord? I know we all have some kind of calling, but I'm yet to find mine. I'm not complaining, really I'm not. Nor am I wanting sympathy. God has been good to me regardless of my rebellious nature and for that I am truly thankful!

I feel I'm beginning a new chapter in my life and although I've been told that we should never have  regrets because they're what makes us who we are. I can't help but have them anyway. When I was a little girl I had such dreams for my life, but I allowed them to be stolen. Now as I reflect on the many years that have past, I can't help but feel mad at myself as well as others, but mainly at myself. After all it was up to me to take the lessons I learned and turn them into good.

A friend of mine posted a song by Michael McDermott called Carry Your Cross and although I find the lyrics haunting because of memories, there is one particular part of the song that keeps going over and over in my mind and those lyrics are "We're like reading road maps in the dark!" That's what I feel like I've been doing all of my life!! I'm so ready to come out of that darkness and begin to read the map that God has had planed out for me, but I keep getting in His way! I'm so sorry for decisions I've made, some that has caused harm to my loved ones. I truly want to do what is pleasing to my Lord, but just as Paul wrote, the thing I want to do, I do not do and those things that I do not want to do, I do.

How long can you wait for me Lord? I'm afraid of that answer. My desire is there but my flesh is so weak. All I know to do is ask You Lord to please not give up on me. People think because I pray and desire to seek Your will and I talk the talk, that I walk the walk. That is so far from the truth, although I will say my desire is to be that kind of person, sadly I am not consistent  nor have I surrender completely.

I guess I'm writing this because I don't want any one to think I am fake or that I'm try to put on a facade. I tell it like it is, good or bad and when I'm wrong I say I'm wrong. I think I am a trust worthy person, and will defend what I believe is right to the very end. If I am your friend, I will fight for you if need be and when I get hurt, I try to forgive. Sometimes it takes awhile for me to get to the point of forgiveness, but eventually I do get there.

I tend to look at others who have strength and conviction for the Lord and find myself envious of their relationship with God. All the while knowing full well, that He is there ready for me...waiting for me...reaching for me. Why, what or whom am I waiting for? These are questions I ask myself almost daily. Do I have faith? The answer is definitely. Do I believe God answers prayer? Most definitely!!

So why am I still reading road maps in the dark? I believe some of it has to do with the sexual abuse that still creeps around in my mind, as well as some hurts that I haven't be able to let go of. Important people who have hurt my heart that hasn't yet mended. And some of them have been Christians. Yet I know when I stand before my Lord and Savior I have no excuse, for He is ready and willing to heal my brokenness. You see I know the scriptures, and recite them to help others, yet here I am keeping myself from allowing God to help me. Oh, He has help me many times, but I always take the help I've received from Him back!


Why are you down cast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 42:11

I truly believe and have hope in the scripture that is found in Romans 8:38&39...For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I claim that Father for myself in Jesus Name. Please forgive me and never give up on me, for I know in my heart that the scripture is true in Philippians 2:13...For it is God which works in you(me) both to will and to do His good pleasure. As always I will continue to pray for my break through and I am sure that day will come!!